AIBU to expect support for marathon training with two children?

[Nowarunner2026]

Last year I was offered a place in the London Marathon via the Ballot. It is something I have always wanted to do, albeit I am an occasional runner (I ran 5k maybe every few weeks, much prefer walking or swimning) but it's a bucket list thing like i am sure it is for many people

Everyone was supportive and really encouraging, father in law brought me some running related gifts for my birthday, as did other family members etc. Everyone except DH. He threw the biggest strop ever, called me selfish for even thinking about it (we have 2 children 9 and 4) and accused me of sacrificing family time for some stupid dream. Says the man who goes to football every weekend, up ubtil recently worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) still does shifts on occasion, and will doesn't think twice about going away with his friends

For whatever reasons I had to defer from last year (a knee injury which is now recovered and some family illnesses) and I still have my place this year as I was able to defer

Mentioned it to DH again and he refuses to talk about it. Point blank won't engage. Says that I he won't support me. Won't come and watch. Won't look after the kids when I want to go running etc.

I do understand that training for it is going to take time, especially early next year but it's also only for a few months, where as he has gone to football every weekend for 10+ years (including away games)

If this was you, would you expect some support for a short period ? Or am I being unrealistic?

Your husband doesn't like you. Sorry.

I would not particularly phrase it as wanting "support". I would however expect equal hobby/free time to my husband, and I would use it as I please.

Your husband plays football in his hobby time. Add up how many hours a week he gets for football and other things like socialising without you. Add up how many hours a week you get for any hobbies/socialising. You should both have the same amount of hours. Once you have sorted that out you can use your hours for marathon training if you like.

Your poor husband’s wifebot is on the blink!

This is appalling from him on so many levels. What a dick.

Fundamentally this is him saying he won’t support you in fact he is basically preventing you.

I hope you can find a way to do it without him and other people bring your kids along to watch you achieve this!

In the meantime, when are you dumping this useless pos?

You are entitled to equal free time. He sees you as the default parent, so he can head out to football without checking you are free. I'd be very tempted to just head off for a run 30 mins before he needed to leave for football. I'd also be tempted to add up the hours you have looked after DC whilst he has had time off and tell him you will deduct from this balance.

I don't say ltb easily, but I would honestly split up over this - and the children would also be told the reason. I wouldn't sugar coat it.

He doesn't want to support your dreams or ambitions - its not good enough

I also wouldn't hide it from the family when they asked how the running was going.

"Oh, not very well, really it's hard because Tom tries to hinder it by refusing to have the kids".

Is this consistent with other behaviour towards you?

Does he do an equal amount of the child minding/housework?

Do you go out with friends or take time for yourself in other ways?

What I mean is - say he's a stay at home dad and you already work long hours, and will now need to train at the weekends when he goes to the football matches, the only time he gets to do something for himself, and you are saying that for six or seven months he'll have to give that up to make space for your training, then MAYBE he's not being unreasonable.

But I expect it's not that.

If he's the kind of Dad that never really pitches in, and is throwing a strop because you are finally doing something for yourself, then I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship.

If this is out of character for him, and he's a 50/50 partner in other ways, apart from his football matches, then play him at his own game. Tell him you'll be going to a friends/parent's house without the kids when he goes to football matches from now on, and he will have to organise and pay for childcare. He won't believe you, so you'll have to get up at the crack of dawn that day and go off in the car. Then he is left with the children and it will be his decision to leave them on their own to go to the match. Unless he's a psychopath, he won't do that. You'll find soon enough that he will stay with the kids while you go training.

Don't get stuck in the argument of whether a marathon is doable, or sensible at your age, or reasonable with young kids. You're doing the marathon, it's that simple, you're not looking for his permission.

When you have pointed out his 10+ years of football training and his away games, what has he said?

Wow what a dick, he won't even discuss it with you, that's inexcusable. I would be thinking about the relationship as a whole, not sure I would want to continue a relationship with someone with that attitude. What a fucking idiot.

Oh dear his appliance is malfunctioning. Poor guy.

@Nowarunner2026 if you had no children he’d be fine with it. So, he obviously doesn’t want to be left looking after the kids.

Forget what he thinks and feels about this. He has to look after his kids whether he likes it or not. Just start training, let him sulk.

So you are expected to facilitate him doing football but he won’t reciprocate?

You may as well separate. This man despises you.

Wow, what an absolutely selfish prick! This is disgusting behaviour from him OP.

I did the London marathon in 2014 and it continues to be one of the best experiences, and the best days of my life. You HAVE to do this while you have the chance to.

I was very lucky in that my DH was very supportive and watched the kids and picked up the slack while I trained, came with me down to London to support me and was very proud of my achievement.

Saying that though, I did do some training when the kids were in bed early in the morning and later in the evenings later on when the training increases and the mileage got longer. The main issue is the long run you need to do. It was vital I had my DH support for that, even with getting up and heading out while the kids were still asleep on a weekend, I was often not back until late morning and my DH had to get them up and sorted while I was out, which he was more than happy to do.

Then I took over for the afternoon shift while he went out for a long bike ride. Its called give and take.

Have you worked out when you would do your runs? Can you do them around the times when the kids will be at school/childminder so it doesn't affect family time as much? Can you get up early on a weekend to do your long run? Either way you are going to find it difficult without his support unless you have someone else who can help with the kids while you train which I really hope you do.

His main reason for refusing to support you is not that it will affect family time, more that it will mean he has to do more with the kids and pick up the slack while you train. That is what his issue is.

It must be so disappointing for you to learn the depths of his utter selfishness NOT to support you and to want this FOR YOU.

I imagine this has left you reconsidering your relationship and whether this man is someone you want to waste any more of your life on.

He is a dick. After you complete the marathon, seriously considering leaving him.
Find a way to do the training, prioritize yourself. When the kids are asleep, or at a friend's, or ask the grandparents to help a bit.
Go early, go late, but how ever you do it, go run.
So this for you, so you remember how strong and determined you can be.
You will need that determination to finish the race, and to leave that jerk when it's done.

I am a marathon runner and have had similar issues with my DH. I did London this year and he didn’t come or even congratulate me afterwards.

You are getting quite a sympathetic set of responses on here thankfully, I had a similar thread a few years ago (about my husband refusing to look after the kids for half an hour after work so I could go for a run) and was flamed!

Anyway, how I deal with this is to go running very early morning (before he/kids are awake), I sacrifice a weekend lie in for this. I also go during my lunch break or straight after school drop off when WFH. There are ways to make it work, good luck!

Having done a marathon myself training is an enormous commitment
couple of rest days a week and running all other then on rest days you need to spend a bit of time looking after yourself and stretching
at least one long run a week
London marathon is extortionate cost for transport and accommodation for the event

it has a massive impact on life in the run upto it

i used to do short run before work then some in evening or treadmill at gym after kids in bed
problem with London your training is in the tale end of winter so it not as though you can do long runs after kids in bed

have you got a training plan in mind and how it would work?

also I’ve worked shift there horrendous I’d be pissed of it that was thrown at me to defend a hobby

I think the best you can do is look at training plans and see how it would work

This would genuniely make me question the entire relationship, I could not be with a man who had so little respect for me.

So I have an H who has run marathons (including London) and frankly it is a massive great big issue in our marriage, because training is brutal and as you get close to the marathon it was taking out a whole weekend day, followed by a day and a half of lying down because everything hurt. The fact he is still alive and we are still married is sometimes a mystery to me, and I would point to marathon training as being one of the threats to our stable home.

It isn't really the marathon, though, that is the issue: it's about the fair division of free time. I would talk to him about it that way, and explain this is the "balancing payment" for all his football weekends / weekends away with his buddies.

How selfish! I think I’d point out I personally think that is highly unreasonable however if that is the way he prefers things to be in your marriage, I am prepared to follow suit for the sake of marital harmony. Therefore, henceforth with immediate effect, all support for football is removed. He wants to play? He finds a babysitter.

A lot of people on here seem to criticise husbands for fitness hobbies/challenges, like running, gym and cycling. Me, I think both husbands and wives should support each other as much as possible. These days, it's likely both work and have childcare duties, and as long as you both do these equally, why shouldn't each of you have time to pursue hobbies?

I think there's quite a difference between training for one, bucket list, marathon, and running two or three a year every year and therefore being in constant marathon training mode.

And I think there would be less strain in your relationship if you were taking the full Sunday to do something for yourself.

OP, my DH has run London a few times. I did suggest he didn't do it the year we had a baby due in March though, We both run anyway but he was really considerate in that he would often do long runs early on a Sunday so it wouldn't impact our time too much and he would do other runs before work. I think you can fit it into family life with some organisation and ingenuity. The baby in question runs herself now and we often do races as a family.

Do you know any other runners? It might be good to meet up with some others for longer runs, especially if you are lacking encouragement at home. It will reinforce the idea that this is a legitimate way to spend time.

Our family ethos is to all work together as a team so we all get to do the things we want to do. It can take some logistical magic some days but it is important to both of us that nobody feels they miss anything. That is our version of family life.

Could someone else come and support you on the day? I think spectating in London with kids can be hard work and it might be better not to have to consider any of that when you have a marathon ahead of you.

In terms of his attitude, is it just because he doesn't want to look after the kids while you run? Or is there more to it? It sounds like a very strong negative reaction.

I think you should definitely train with London in mind, building up super gradually of course and don't let his attitude put you off. It just seems a very strong stance of his to be so against you doing something you want to do. Is this how he is generally or did those surprise you?

Some people seem to interpret 'family life' as spending all your time doing housework, running kids to activities and never doing what you want with a martyred nod at kids preventing this, but there are other ways. We manage to cram everyone's activities into most weeks without feeling we are missing out on anything, which is easier now the youngest is 14 but we still fitted in 3 runs a week each when she was a baby. He would come back from a run and I would go out for one sometimes.

His lack of motivation to support you in this might need a bit of unravelling.

He is being a dick. However, do you know how many hours of training you will need to do in the months before the race? It’s not really comparable to a couple of hours of football a week. My DB runs marathons and my (lovely and very patient) SIL is solo parenting a lot. If you want to work this out with your DH it might be worth looking at a training plan so at least you know how many hours it will take.