Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

of course this isn’t abuse.
i would make an appointment with a marriage counselor straight away, with the objective being to be able to discuss finances together as a couple. It’s highly unreasonable- and not sustainable - to be in a marriage where you cannot discuss money together…
if he will not even discuss / listen at all, you will have to divorce surely. How does he think it will go really..

If he’s not going to LIVE in your new house - where is he going to live? I don’t think anyone’s mentioned the possibility of another woman/man, sorry if I missed that. It would explain a lot.

What possible reason is he giving for renting somewhere else when you are working in a school and the kids are also out all day? He has the house to himself! He can work on the kitchen table, he doesn’t need an office. He knows moneys tight, what possible justification does he give that isn’t 100% selfish. If he cared about you and his children he would be pitting your needs first, or at least theirs. Have you pointed this out? A reason for being out the house could also be that he does fuck all all day or spends the money he does make irresponsibly, or gambling. Easier to get away with it if you’re not being watched.

In terms of refusing to help pack, but agreeing under duress to move - of course he’s agreeing, he can hardly stay and wave at the new owners when they arrive and live with them can he, and presumably he’s got nowhere else to go - the brass neck of him! His ego is off the charts. As you can’t leave his stuff behind for whoever buys from you, I’d suggest hiring a storage unit short term and moving it into that, and tell him you’ve paid for a week/fortnight/month - DO NOT PAY FOR MORE!!! And it is up to him to deal with it. If he wants to grow up he can move it into your new house or he can move into the fucking storage unit.

And the next time he tells you you’re abusive tell him what he is doing fits financial, emotional and coercive abuse and if he doesn’t knock it on the head you could report him. He’s an abusive, pathetic, parasitic leach and I wouldn’t put another woman off the cards as this explains why he’s loathe to stop this non-profit-making business as it gives him an alibi and place to go to when you and the kids, and all his other responsibilities, ‘do his head in’ and piss him off.

You are enabling him to an extent, OP, as without you he’d be fucked and he knows this. As someone on here advised, get legal and financial advice as soon as possible and if it’s at all possible get away from this man.

He needs to give up his rented office and work from home for a starters.

having read the full thread I honestly think divorce him! He sounds awful. He is not your partner op..

OMG, OP, he gets worse with every update!

He's using you. He believes he's entitled to everything while you and the children ... aren't.

You're worth more than this, literally and figuratively. I'm afraid you should divorce him before he's bled you dry. It's a guarantee he'll take you to the cleaners, so you need a ruthless lawyer while you can still afford one.

If anything I’d say he is being abusive:

Financial abuse?

And refusing to talk and throwing out false accusations to shut you up. That’s coercive and controlling.

The fact he’s gaslighting you and threatening you with the term ‘abuse’ (projection much?) into giving him access to your finances through a joint account, as well as putting you under pressure to sell a massive asset of yours which generates income all points to him attempting to tighten the noose regarding financial control. He’s trying to push you out the driving seat and (knowing you have a weaker pension) make you vulnerable and therefore more compliant to his manipulation.

Be under no illusion that he is out for himself and does not have yours or your children’s welfare or security at heart. He wants to rinse through your safety net so he has even greater power over you and you will have no choice but to stay with him and live a miserable life. If he even stays with you. You will have nothing and he could even engineer taking your children from you.

Protect yourself and your children from him

It sounds like you are smart not to do that.

Honestly, he sounds like the abusive one. He gives what to the marriage? It sounds like he enjoys taking but wants to live in a fantasy world.

Giving him access to your savings would be a disaster.

Sell the house, ditch the man, get half of his pension and move into your rental.

He may be 15 years older than you, but he sounds like a spoilt child. How on earth is it going to get better? He started his business three years ago and has not made any money at all.

You have offered to work evenings in a pub on top of your day job but he says he can't commit to being home in the evenings. Why not? Does he have to work on his business outside your home during the evening? I very much doubt it.

He is a controlling arsehole and you and your children would be better off without him. You have leverage due to his large pension so if he goes for your rental property and savings, you can go for his pension.

What a wanker! Divorce him.

Ha! It sounds like he wants to run you into the ground

This man is spectacularly selfish, hes also exploiting you. You need to stop enabling this shit, stop running around after him financially and domestically, if he calls you abusive tell him you'll divorce him then, and set him free to pay his own bills and wipe his own arse.
I think you need some therapy, alone, to rediscover your self worth.

He’s the abuser.
He wants you in a position where you’ve no money/ choices. Leave him.

This. He has a young family to support and you are pulling your weight. Who does he think he is, fiddling and faffing around with a hobby job and taking the easy life.
leave him op. Being mortgage free brings SO much peace and freedom to your life. You can live that life and then save towards other things. It’s time for an ultimatum.

"MarmaladeSandwich7 · 16/06/2026 11:22*
Why do so many folks put “ barley” instead of barely?"*

Your excuse doesn't really make sense, but you deserve credit for making your explanation so entertaining. Also, good for you; you used barley correctly, spelling and all! 😉♥️

Where will he be then? If he doesn't make any money to pay for a place of his own?

Classic DARVO here. He sponges off you and gets nasty at the slightest hint that you might be thinking that you're not actually willing to pay all the bills for the whole family forever, give him access to all your savings, give up your own future security etc? This is financial abuse, of you, by him.

Live in your affordable smaller house with your DC, don't give him access to your savings, get into FT work as soon as you can and prioritize starting a decent pension. Or you and he will be kept together by finances in old age, whether either of you wants it or not.

He's making her pay all the bills, trying to get her to give up her assets and savings (or, to put it another way, her potential means of freeing herself - he has definitely thought of this) and shouting her down if she tries to discuss anything. It IS abuse.

@Elsvieta- that poster later on admitted they hadn’t read the thread at all, rendering their post utterly pointless, although damaging to the op.

Is there any way you can buy the new house in just your name OP?