Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

Title should say, DH is accusing me of being abusive for talking.

Divorce. But I suppose he’ll be entitled to a lot of the money. It depends whether it’s better cutting your losses now or not. And no, of course you’re not being abusive. He cannot afford to do what he’s doing without you supporting him, the very least he can do is talk about it and come up with a plan.

No, you’re not, and he’s childish and living in a fantasy land if he thinks you can both carry on this way when he’s not bringing any money in and your savings are running out.

That’s hard.. I’ve no solution for him but could you gain extra income from students staying? Your local FE. College will be looking for places for overseas language students to stay if you’ve a spare bedroom? Or a Monday to Friday lodger? Or do Airbnb?

Do you have kids?

I’d stop giving him my savings for a start. He will have to giving up the office he’s renting, if he cannot afford it. Then look around for a smaller house and ask him to come to viewings. If he refuses then I’d get a divorce otherwise you’re heading that way and might lose the house you’re in too.

This isn't an excuse for him but it is clear that he is humiliated about his business now working out. He will see downsizing amd cutting back as an acknowledgement that he isn't able to fulfil the typically male role as the provider. This feeling is so overwhelming that he is prepared to risk everything by trying to pretend it isn't happening.

I think the only way to appease someone who feels that way is to make out that this is all part of the plan. It will take pressure off of him to make decisions about the business in desperation for money, rather than long term stability. It's taking a step back (admittedly) to take a giant leap forward in the midterm future.

We have two young children so renting rooms isn’t really an option.

I have said I’d be willing to move to a bigger house again if things pick up. He keeps saying that moving is financial suicide due to stamp duty. Our mortgage interest rate is due to quadruple and the end of the year too.

The problem here is your DH. Not you.

Right. So you financially support your husband, essentially paying for him to live and do his hobby, you want to stop, so he calls you abusive; and you need to ask if he’s right?!? Come off it op. What a horrible, nasty, selfish man. I would get a divorce today.

He’s saying it’s because I try to force him to discuss things, and because I haven’t put all of my savings into a joint account

Of course you are not being abusive. He is pretending reality doesn't exist. I would put the finances down on paper and give it to him to look at. Ask him what the solution is. If he won't engage at all is there a sibling or parent who could talk to him? You may eventually have to divorce if he won't deal with this.

OF COURSE you need to discuss finances as a couple! No idea why you’re using ‘force’. He’s absolutely done a number on you. If you don’t understand why you need to divorce him, then at least stop paying the rent for his hobby.

Do not put your savings into a joint account!

asking your husband to discuss family life and finances is not abusive.

refusing to make changes to family life that benefit the whole family so he can keep his pride is abusive

How are you abusive? you literally spend years supporting his passion project and paying bills. He is refusing adult communication about practical steps and making you feel like you are abusive

Perhaps you could see a financial adviser together and he could hear it from someone else.

Or you see one on your own and a divorce lawyer.

Move without him!

So you pay for everything, presumably do majority of housework and child rearing whipe he dicks about with his vanity project of a job that at best barely supports himself and doesnt support his kids...?

He writes cheques on financial decisions (the house) that he expect yoou to cash (by paying the mortgage) ...?

The only abuser here is him.
I couldn't and wouldnt live like this

See a lawyer and find out how much it's going to cost you to exit this marriage.

I’ve said this to him, we move together or separately but I’m not staying. He said I was abusing him.

WTF! How the hell are you being abusive? The way I see it he’s being financially controlling by refusing to contribute to the shared household finances and blocking a house move to a cheaper property!!

This is classic DARVO (Google it)

He keeps saying that moving is financial suicide due to stamp duty

He does have a point that selling and buying and potentially buying again will involve costs that isn't recoverable. However his unwillingness to discuss is stonewalling and by not discussing he gets to continue doing what he want, so it's effective.

I can understand your panic and generally women are more anxious about financial stability. How old are you? How old are the children? Are the savings earmarked for anything such as children's uni. Does he earn enough to contribute to a pension?

One approach is to build a spreadsheet with your view of finances - a few scenarios, including carrying on as currently. Send to him and offer to arrange a meeting with an external 3rd party such as financial advisor to review finances. If you are in your 40s you would need to consider pension outlook.

Well he’ll be happy to be free of his dreadful abusive wife then won’t he? Poor sausage.

You can’t reason with someone whose head is so firmly stuffed in the sand. Follow through and move without him.

Well that's not abusing him, you are exercising your right to live the life you want. He may view you as lacking support for him and his Elon monetary aspirations.

If he is "business-minded" (whether in reality or just in his head/ego) then put it all on a spreadsheet for him...

And no, you are not being abusive, he just doesn't want to face reality. It isn't easy to start up a business, but after a couple of years it should be making some money if it's going to be viable long term.

And definitely don't move your savings into the joint account...do you have enough for a deposit on the smaller place?