Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

He’s a millstone around your neck - move on without him. You are not being abusive at all - he sounds like a lazy loser tbh!

indont feel sorry for him having a business that didn’t work out. By the time he started this, which would have been 23 earliest, it was common knowledge barley was on the decline and wouldn’t come back, it was ridiculous thing to do. And was always going to fail.

The only good thing in this situation is that when you leave him and he tries to get half your savings and rental property you can offset it by going after half his pension, hopefully he will have to pay you, rather than the other way round. I’m sure from the many replies here you can see that there’s nothing you are doing that is remotely abusive, he’s prepared to bankrupt you for his ego and vanity. Please don’t let him.

I wonder if you really know the full story of how badly his business is doing? Is it a Limited? Maybe review the accounts on Companies House. He doesn't sound mature enough to be running a business to me.

Jesus, OP, just divorce him. (I'm not being flippant, I know it's not an easy thing to do, but this man child will be a rock around your neck until the day he dies.)

No, you're not being abusive by wanting to discuss financial solutions. (Especially when you're the only one bringing any money in. If his business isn't at least breaking even, let alone making a profit, it's not viable.)

Would it change things if I said I only worked part time?

I am a TA so I get the holidays to care for DC.

I offered to get a job in the local pub on an evening but DH couldn’t guarantee being home to look after DC.

No.

Yet another example where I wish people would stop tossing around the word "abusive" so readily. Even if you were being excessive, haven't all you people some other words in your vocabulary, such as, in this case, "nagging" or "badgering"?

But, no, I don't think you are abusive, or nagging, or badgering. It seems to me that he's refusing to treat you as an equal partner. And that would have me wondering if this is new or has often been the case, and whether it shows up in other aspects of your life.

Is there any chance you could demand to both meet with a marital and/or financial counselor? Have you ever just matter-of-factly asked him how he expects things to play out?

No it doesn't make a difference. If anything it is worse on him. A TA's salary is low, not at a sustainable level to compensate for him not bringing in an income for years, and not to support a family on your own. You are working hard, volunteering to work 2 jobs whilst he isn't doing one productive one. He should be the one getting a part time job until his business is viable (if it ever can be)

He just says it will get better

Could you then say, "How will it get better? What will make it better? And when?"

Is there any chance that his work will suddenly bring in a lot of money?

No it doesn’t change anything. It’s your wage supporting the family. You have offered to downsize your home specifically to accommodate his failing business.

As others have said, he’s financially inept and you’re being realistic and supportive. He is being neither. Shutting down discussions and sulking and calling you unfair names.

Ask to take a look at his business plan so you can get an idea of when and how much income he is forecasting. So you can use those figures for the household budget to assess affordability of your mortgage increasing. If he says it will get better, he should have this at least to be able to demonstrate what will be different in the next year or two compared with the last (if he has a business plan I would be amazed!!)

The fact that his business isn't making any money is a red herring; he is calling you abusive for wanting to have an adult discussion about finances.
You are being realistic about money, not abusive. You can't let him bankrupt you, you have children.

It looks even worse for him if he refuses to look after his own child so that he can do his hobby (which is what a business that earns no money is) rather than you work.

op, if you can’t accept the fact that you have married an arsehole yet, that’s fine, but I would urge you to keep talking to people - friends, strangers, professionals - constantly, they’re all going to say what we’ve said - until it sinks in. Then as soon as it does, get rid of this awful awful man pdq.

I would move out, with or without him, and look at separate living anyhow.
I'm sure there were good points about him somewhere, at some time, but dang, he sounds like a plonker.

Why can’t he guarantee to be in? He isn’t making any financial contribution doing his hobby (it doesn’t sound like a business to me!) so he’s got all the time in the world to be in and look after his children.

Not that you should have to get an evening job in a bar - if anyone should, he should!

No...
Changes zero

Utterly floored that as a TA you are the "breadwinner"

Divorce this guy.

He's the abuser! At the very least financial, verbal, and emotional. He wants you to put all of YOUR savings in a joint account? Bump that noise!

He refuses to talk or to listen to reason, but the fact is that he contributes very little to the welfare of your family. He refuses to sell your house and won't agree to buy something with no mortgage, knowing that your current interest rate will quadruple at the end of the year. He refuses to WFH or reduce expenses for his business or to work part-time to supplement the missing earnings. He's eating up your savings and is putting his own foolish wants above helping take care of his family. He refuses to leave or to let you go.

PLEASE PLEASE, PLEASE, do something to stop him before he throws the remainder of your savings away. Please do it now! See a solicitor and start legal proceedings. The longer you wait, the less you'll have. Your pension level grows each month(?) which means the longer you let this play out the more money he will legally be allowed to take. Even if you sell before the end of the year, each month you live there making payments will mean you'll lose even more.

He's abusive- he's turning everything around and trying to make you believe you're the abuser. But you know that isn't true. Stop bending over backwards to accommodate his willful waste of your money. People who start businesses often continue working full- or at least part-time until they're making as much from the business they as they do at their current job. They don't just quit. They have a safety net so they don't run through the family money and use up all their partners' savings.

Please see someone this week. Don't tell him yet, but get the house ready for a real estate appraisal. Begin sorting and packing up. (There's a great MN thread from the past where the OP tells how and what she did to get ready to go. I think she rented a storage unit and stockpiled everything they'd for the first year. It was brilliant!) Without letting him know, move your savings to a new bank- one that he's not affiliated with. He doesn't need to know where the money is and how much you have left. Let the solicitors work that out, but please don't let him continue to drive your family into bankruptcy. Buy the smaller house in your name only. If you're legally separated I think you can do that with no problems. A good divorce lawyer or solicitor will be able to advise you on how to protect your money from him. After all, you'll need it to take care of yourself and your children in the future.

You told us "I’ve said this to him, we move together or separately but I’m not staying." Say it again and immediately follow-through. He obviously thinks you're bluffing and will give in to him. He's way past due for a wake-up call!

I know this won't be easy. I rarely actually say LTB. Instead I encourage people to look after themselves- maybe get therapy or help from Women's Aid and to tell their loved ones for support. But in your case he's convinced that you'll stay no matter what. He sees no reason to compromise. Give him a scare and show him he's wrong.

You don't deserve the abuse he's dumping on you. Leaving him may be the only thing to shock him enough to open his eyes. Can you imagine how great no mortgage would be? Let go of his vision and make it a reality! 💐

TAs work FULL-TIME. I know from experience. Add in all the hours you'd be paying for childcare if you weren't able to look after them outside of term time; I feel sure that if you put a monetary value on that time, you'd see that you're not paid nearly enough. If you got paid the equivalent amount that daycare would cost, your income would really jump!

Please value yourself more. Don't let him convince you that you're the bad guy. You really, really aren't!

This!

I would be telling him you wont be paying his way anymore than

Why are you allowing this??

He told her she's being abusive. Why would she need to use a different word? He's the one who said it. I think the entire point of the thread is that she does NOT think she's abusive.

I'm sure you know a spelling mistake is not the point of the thread. Did you realize your comment added no value at all? This is someone's real life, not a challenge to you to count mistakes. Please play nicely.

I thought she was talking about 'barley', even googled the barley trade and farming!