Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

Not read FT but does he not read the newspapers?
Every day well established businesses are going bankrupt/closing down.
This is a very bad time to start a new one.
He is a dreamer.
Buy him a few newspapers - or make him see some free online every day.

Do not put your money in a joint account, it will disappear into his business.
Time to issue an ultimatum and to mean it. He grows up, gets at least a part time job or you're done. He will bleed you dry all the time blaming you.

Disagreeing and having realistic financial concertos not being controlling.

expecting and demanding your spouse to shut up and finance you is abusive and controlling.

HE is being abusive, financially. He is taking more than you can both afford, and refusing to negotiate. He is then turning the tables on you, so that you don’t consider the consequences of his refusal. It’s completely unacceptable. Please don’t tolerate it. Either divorce or separate your finances legally.

Lawyer up! Even if you decide not to divorce, at least you know your options and how to best protect what’s yours, for your children, if not for yourself.

Sounds like your common-or-garden arsehole.

What is this "business" hobby?

I googled 'barley' and it certainly isn't doing well at the moment. Your husband needs to think of something else in order to earn money.

"For UK farmers at the moment, barley margins are facing headwinds due to generally comfortable global supplies and high input costs, which are squeezing overall profitability. Spot ex-farm prices for feed barley sit at roughly £150 to £280 per tonne. However, growing malting barley can be highly lucrative if it meets the stringent specifications for the brewing and distilling industries, securing a valuable premium.
For investors, the barley market operates on slim margins. Global prices remain highly volatile and are heavily tied to the pricing of larger cereals like wheat and corn. When alternative grains are oversupplied, barley struggles to command high prices. Trading is typically conducted through derivatives like futures and CFDs on global exchanges rather than physical ownership."

Your husband sounds abusive if he will not have a reasonable discussion with you. I'd go ahead and buy, leave him to make up his mind whether or not he wants to stay married. You can't go on as you are, it's an awful situation and he is, frankly, horrible to you.

In answer to you question it wouldn’t seem so, no. Practical and adult decisions need
to be made.

He is the controlling abusive one. There is a reason he wanted someone much younger. Becs he thought you’d be easier to control. My guess is, he has up to a point and now you are trying to stand up to him he is flipping it around.

I would definitely think about divorce, I don’t know if there is a way for you to keep the money have. Do you have family you can speak to?

Depending on the type of pension(s) he has, he may be able to access some/all of the funds in five years time. If he's still plugging away at his failing business then he might end up investing his pension in it too (if he thinks success is just around the corner so he can be set for life), leaving your partnership with even fewer assets.

He sounds like a spoiled toddler, you both need to assess current and future financial plans and compromise on them (e.g. he gives up his office, or agrees to the move and doesn't strop about it, or he gets a part time job to top up his income). If he is unwilling to do this then you need to seriously consider whether your marriage has a future and plan accordingly. You both also need to be considering the children's future- teenagers can be expensive and if they want to go to university you are likely to need to provide substantial support even if they take all the loans available to them.

Even if you don't yet decide to leave him, it is worth gathering all the information (all assets on both sides, including pensions, less any debts) and speaking to a solicitor about what you would be entitled to based on the length of your marriage and your two children.

He’s the abusive one

It's also worth checking he doesn't have any debt related to the business that he hasn't told you, and checking there is no way be can take out any debt secured on your properties.

Leave him,sell the house,split it and buy your own house,he won't have anyone then to financially prop up his stupid money pit business

Telling someone they are being abusive is a tactic that abusers often say to their victims. He's the abusive, controlling one. He's insisting that you prop up his failing business, and point blank refusing to discuss finances with you.

Time to think about leaving him I reckon, because he is not going to change.

so He is financially abusing you: you’re supporting the entire family, and he is now asking for your savings aswell, with no viable financial plan.
he’s emotionally abusing you: refusing to talk, making you follow him about like a puppy begging him to talk, making you doubt yourself so you begin to ask AIBU.
then HE calls YOU an abuser ? This is DARVO technique used by manipulators and abusers.
I would get myself to a solicitor asap.

It was a joke, Barley is a key ingredient in many soups.

In your shoes I would continue with the house sale, but def not purchase a new home with him. If you do decide to split then you don’t want to have to sell again, uproot your kids again, have wasted stamp duty money etc.

I would move into a rental for now and buy yourself time to work out what to do with your marriage - is it salvageable? Would he go to marriage therapy together to see if you can work through your difference of opinion? Also quietly see a solicitor to get a better understanding on what your financial split might look like in the event of a possible divorce.

Are you abusive - not from anything you have written in this thread. Is he abusive - possibly, but we don’t have the full picture here so you need to take some time to process that idea. Is he usually a good man who is currently struggling with a failing business and having a breakdown/depression? Or has he always been selfish and refused to engage in important discussions?

Your "D"H is being financially abusive to you. Why are you giving him your savings? Stop subsidising his vanity project, buy the new house in your name only, and move into it with the kids.

Honestly, I would say, that’s fine dear and ignore him. But only pack yours and the kids stuff and other stuff you want to take. Ignore his enquiries and when it comes to the day just act dumb and either leave his stuff behind or pack it up and take it to the tip.

It sounds like you can afford the new place without his “income” but would the plan be to hold it as joint owners? If so, do you want to think about that? Would you be better off just getting somewhere in your own name (even if smaller) if the likelihood is that you’re going to split up shortly and/ or his business might fail (is there any chance his creditors could come after the house if his name is on the.title register!)?

I think overall I’d be cutting my losses now and getting somewhere just for me and the kids.

He's saying that because it works to stop you in your tracks. It's not abusive to protect your family from going under financially. Let him make you the villain in his story and move forward, if this is what you want to do.

Absolutely do not put your savings in a joint account. If his business is barely scraping by then he will just eat through those.

Unless you suggest it as a compromise: if you can move and downsize, paying off the mortgage then you will consider making savings jointly available but at the moment you're the only one keeping you both afloat so he either gets a supplement job to help/ drops his business or you sell the house and downsize.

He is being really stubborn and it's not fair for you to carry the weight and worry when he won't even talk about finances. Part of being in an adult trusting relationship is about transparency with finances and working as a team.

Dear god
Sometimes you read a thread about another woman and think how the hell did she end up with such a dreadful man.
For your childrens sake op
I really really hope you manage to escape this man
He is the one abusing you ..not the other way round

No, definitely not being abusive!

What is the size of your current house and what is the size of the house you want to move into? Will your family be cramped in the smaller house? Will children each have their own room?

YOU are being abused both emotionally and financially.
Reach out to a domestic abuse charity.
Do not sell your rental house.
He is running down your money.
It's what abusers do.
You need legal advice asap.

This is not a hood man.
Wake up.
Tell family and fridnds the truth.
Stop giving him any money.

Your husband needs therapy by the sounds of it. Sorry you’re facing this. Of course you’re not being abusive by being realistic and not pouring your finances (which it sounds like you are the only one with any to speak of) down the drain.

ETA: mental instability is the best case scenario, and as others have pointed out, it’s possible he is actually being abusive himself in which case he’s just accusing you of what he’s doing, which is typical abuser behaviour.