Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

Then tell him not to bother. As the house is already being sold now would be a good time to agree a financial division and divorce.

Fuck him, OP. He's a massive prick. I wouldn't be staying with him - he's refusing to parent or have anything to do with you and the kids unless YOU do what HE wants and he says YOU'RE being abusive? Gaslighting at its finest. You're best off out of this one. His massive pension can be his cushion instead of you.

@MNLurker1345it is blindingly obvious the op has been gaslit for decades by this man and can no longer recognise that he is controlling her in a completely unhealthy way, and so she didn’t mention divorce, but it is absolutely what she needs to consider before he ruins both her and her children both financially and mentally.

He expects the OP to finance his business by selling her property, leaving her without that rental income and without a decent pension, while he himself has the financial cushion of a nice fat pension. The risk is entirely on her, not him. And his business is failing so it's just throwing good money after bad. And he's calling her abusive for just trying to discuss this.

I wouldn't be sticking around.

Why should OP do even more to keep her family afloat when she has her H hanging round her neck like a grumpy millstone?

He sounds awful. Agree with the comment that you should get financial advice and quietly look at your options.

Yes. She has been controlled and gaslit for decades. I have reported your post to the mods as the last thing someone vulnerable like the op needs is anyone suggesting what he is doing isn’t abuse.

He’s 50? Sounds like he’s 15. He sounds emotionally stunted and completely incapable of talking and getting his point across. Has he always been like this??

Stop topping him up. Pay your half and say he owes the other half. If he won’t pay say oh I guess we will lose the house then.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle and ask whether you think his business has a lot of future potential or if it really is just a hobby.

If it's just a hobby then you need to get rid: he clearly doesn't care about you.

Overused word I know but this is massive gaslighting on his part. He’s messing with you because he wants to keep being a deadbeat.

If anything OP, he’s abusing you.

I'm not sure how you have got "She has been controlled and gaslit for decades" from this post.

I haven't read the entire thread just the opening couple of posts so sorry if it came up later.

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

Perfect. Don’t pack any of his things, let him stay as a squatter in the house you no longer own. Tell him he can see the kids at his new place.

Well when you put it like that....

I think your husband is going through something in his own head that he needs to sort out and he is refusing to engage with you on some important issues here.
It does not sound like you want to leave him but staying put sounds like financial suicide and a surely eventually the end of the marriage while moving might speed up the end of the marriage and leave you in a better financial situation.
I know which I'd choose.

TBH I might go get some financial advice right now, not like you sound like you need any, but maybe a third party's advice might be something he takes on board when he doesn't take it from you, plus they might come up with some other possible solutions for you.

There is only one person who is abusive in this relationship and it’s not you

Invest your money. In a divorce lawyer. He's emotionally blackmailing you citing abuse for wanting to have a reasonable conversation about your future. Get rid.

If you haven’t read the thread, that would explain why you have made such nonsense posts. Please be careful. Although to be fair, how you didn’t infer from the opening post that someone who pays all the bills, the other person wont discuss it, and the payer thinks they’re the one bring abusive isn’t in a normal healthy relationship, I don’t know.

I think he's extremely lucky that you have bank rolled him to indulge his business failure. And, the pittance he contributes to the household expenses. You are most defintely not being unreasonable. He is. I personally would lose all respect for a man like this. You have come up with a very good compromise that enables him to basically continue earning virtually nothing and to offset this with a partime job. Yet, he has intepreted this as abusive behaviour. I am afraid he is the one being abusive financially and comparitively to your input. Any self respecting man puts family first. Not his own lazy ass.

I tried to start a business years ago. It didn’t work because I didn’t have the money to get the traction to get it off the ground. We tried for years and finally I went back to work. In the meantime a few people I know are now earning well because they stuck at it and got the loans I couldn’t get but making a business work is lonely because everyone is rolling their eyes really and telling you you need to go get a real job until it makes money and it’s only then they’re clapping you on the back. If ye can’t afford for him not to work ye can’t afford it. I think it comes down to how willing he is to work on the marriage ahead of the business and whether he can learn to talk to you rationally (which is hard because you do feel attacked but that’s it his head)

Why does he think he can use all of your savings to support his lack of earnings - seriously? He cannot expect you to carry the load whilst he pontificates. He really needs to grow up. Does he go through life being disagreeable?

My in-laws lost several massive, expensive houses over the years ploughing money in the my FIL's failing businesses. They ended up in a shitty bungalow with not a penny left for their kids...
They had a 6 bed house in West London and a Cotswolds house with a pool at one point!
Don't cover a failing business. You will all drown.

You need to leave him , even if you lose out financially initially it will be worth it . You cannot spend the rest of your life with this person .

Don't rock the boat until the house sale goes through. Nod and smile and humour him until you're shot of the larger house and there's no chance of him torpedoing the sale.

Then get a divorce in motion. This is no way to live. You'll lose out, since it sounds like you have more assets, but his pension will be offset against that. Much better to do it now and recover financially than wait 10 years until things are even worse.