Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

You are not abusive. He might be.

He's not entirely wrong about stamp duty and other costs of moving making any savings a longer term thing. But that's not really the point here. You are not in a position to keep throwing away good savings that could be used for longer term investemtns and financial support. And so a decision and a solution needs to be made.

If you can't come to an agreement then yes, I don't see how this relationship continues.

would he be open to talking to an independent ifnancial adviser?

I have....
She'll be giving up FAR less now than she will if she lets him bleed her for another decade then he reaches "retirement age"

The flat is not worth much by her own admission its 100k - that's a 50k trade off on his pension and she keeps it (a good pension I am guessing is well over 250k somewhere on 500k to 1m mark)

@whatscookinggoodlooking1 You have to take charge here. What you are doing is financial planning for both your future.

Is he one to plan financially for the future. It doesn’t sound like it.

You are not in anyway abusive and he is gaslighting you.

Please do what you need to do, he can come along kicking and screaming or he can ship out. If you allow yourself to be affected by his inactivity and tantrums you will regret it.

My lovely DH, took charge of our finances, house buying etc. Until he had a life changing health issue. Now I do all of the finances and what I realised is that although we are financially stable he hadn’t planned for the future and now I am doing it all. It is liberating.

I would get some advice before you move home. What you don't want to do is downsize to a smaller house and then split and potentially being in the position of having to buy him out of his share of the house or sell that house too.

Stay quiet and start working out what a life without him might look like, then ask yourself which life you would rather - the one you are currently living or a new life on your own

I am guessing this is one of many issues within the relationship?

Dont tell him but see a divorce solicitor asap. This is only to go one way and it’s probably better to get out of this mess now financially and for the children not to grow up to think that his behaviour is normal. He should want to be bringing an income into the household to support his children not to sit down and watch you do all the lifting.

My DH is a bit older than me and so we don’t retire separately, we are both saving for an early retirement. He is going to play business man and then retire whilst you continue to work and look after him and then what sort of retirement do you have? He will be too old or dead for you to do anything as a couple and you will be exhausted.

What exactly does he currently bring to the table?

No you aren't being controlling and abusive. You are being a responsible adult.

Have you seen his business plan, the actual document? If you haven't then ask to. If he has never created one and is just winging it then he is a chancer and it would explain why he is looking to you to financially support his business rather than his bank. Banks want to see a well prepared business plan before they will lend.

If he does have a business plan, how far away from his projections is the reality? A lot of new businesses don't turn a profit in the first few years, but if his figures are way off then he needs to be businesslike and make some changes. Maybe stop renting office space as you suggested or maybe, if it is really running into debt, shut it down. And that debt should include any money you have contributed. Tapping into someone else's savings isn't running a business, it is using them to keep an expensive hobby going. TBH his resistance to all your valid solutions suggests this is a pipe dream of his that he won't give up until he has drained every penny you have.

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.
He needs to work from home or give up the business and get a ob.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn
Don't do this because of course it matter whether he earns or not. He's a wannabe cocklodger and as you've said he's 50 and you are 35, in 10-15 years time he's going to be retired and you'll be 45-50 with another 15-20 years to go, working hard to support him.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else
Don't eat into that money

+My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.
I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here*

You need to divorce him before it gets any worse. Yes, you will lose out financially in the divorce but that is better than staying with him and having this go on and potentially losing out even more in 10 years time.

You should get legal advice.

Try again, pick your moment as you realise the topic is one he is struggling to come to terms with. And pick how you talk about it as well. If he senses you are telling him what has to happen that will not help.
And telling him you will leave him definitely won’t. He will see that as emotional blackmail. Which is why he called it abusive.
So, timing and how. Talk to each other with respect. That means acknowledging both your views and feelings about it.

There you go even more reason to do what
you know is right. “Bo hoo! I am not going to help you pack”. Well you are not going to pack his stuff ar you?

I have seen too many women allow the DH/DPs to call the shots when it comes to household finances and future financial planning, all for an easy life and because their OHs dig their feet in.

Being forced to be in full control of the finances has made me see things differently.

OP, you know what the right thing to do is.

Sorry have seen a bit more.
You have sold your house now. But think he doesn’t want to move into a smaller house and you think he is stalling.
You managed to persuade him to sell the house though.
I don’t think you have any intention of moving into a smaller house with him at all.

My first thought was also divorce and your updates haven’t changed that!

If anything he’s financially abusive

I really don’t get the default “get a divorce” position on MN. Divorce surely is a last resort, not “oh, my husband called me abusive so I need to divorce him”.

Not all relationship issues are abusive. Some are, some are not.

We don’t know whether this marriage will make it or not. OP says she “is begging him to discuss finances”. She did not say she was considering divorce.

No. He's a classic example of a man appropriating language women use to make sense of their poor treatment in relationships, and weaponising it against them.
If anyone is controlling, its a person who won't allow their partner any input into where they live and what money is spent upon. If anyone is abusive it's the person who gaslights their partner into believing that expressing a dissenting opinion is abuse.

You need to sit in down and have a clear and direct conversation with him. Tell him this can’t be avoided and it’s essential that you have a proper discussion about your finances immediately.

He needs to downscale and accept that his business isn’t making as much as he thought and also get another part time job.

There is no way you should be continuing to use your savings to keep you afloat. What does he think you will do once those savings run dry?

Hes using these words to shut you down. Just like when men say women are nagging them to do housework.

It's not a business, it's a hobby. He needs to do what most people do when setting up a business - run it alongside another job until it's making enough money for him to quit the day job.

He's probably ashamed that he's not turning a profit, which is why he won't talk about it. What happens if you say to him, that's it, savings have run out now, we can't pay any bills, what do we do (even if they haven't, just to call his bluff).

Also if you're in your mid 30s, you are young! You have your working life ahead of you and you sound financially switched on, you can make a lovely life for you and the DC, he's already made it clear that he will quiet quit on the marriage just because you want to move somewhere you can afford, assuming he would come home to sleep, eat, laundry, whatever...

Start getting copies of all the finances and seek legal advice asap xx

So you've offered to move into a smaller house where you cover all the bills etc so his business becomes your "fun money" - completely removing the pressure from him and he has said no???

What the Hell is wrong with him? I would've took your arm off.

Yep, it says it all about this place that first comment was a variation of "LTB". Do the women that put that but such little effort into their own relationships??

You are not being abusive
He is being a great big baby
Crack on with the sale if you can, and keep your savings separate

How much effort is the man in the op putting in to his relationship?

Is he 50 or 5?
What a man child.
Tell him to grow up for gods sake. What is it with these men….

So you have been with this man since you were (minimum) 28 and he was 43? This is already ringing some alarm bells. I appreciate age gaps are more acceptable the older you get but with the other things you mentioned it’s very concerning. I sort of think he’s gone for a younger woman as you might be easier to control or manipulate?

You are absolutely not being abusive here, he is. The fact he wants you to pile all your money into a joint account, sell your asset (and presumably use that money in the joint account too!) whilst he makes no change or sacrifice is abusive. He’s expecting you to make all the sacrifice whilst he does what he likes.

his threat to only sleep in the house etc is equally as abhorrent and abusive. He’s trying to control and coerce you into doing exactly what he wants, you must not let him do this.

Whilst divorce would leave you in a vulnerable position re sharing assets, if you show that you are the one supporting the children etc then I’d expect that you’d retain a much larger share in order to continue doing so.

I would put your ducks in a row and clearly look into how much money you’ve already given him/his business. Speak to a solicitor and ask for their view on how much you’d be likely to walk away with.

life is too short to be with a man who quite frankly sounds vile

I don't know, all I know is "LTB" or some variation of it seems to be the default position for a lot of people here. I mean, fair enough if it's abuse or infidelity or something but this?? Divorce him over this??? REALLY?!??!?

Stop financially supporting him immediately, definitely do not sell your rental property as that’s a good source of income and move without him. The only person abusive is him and he’s just leeching off you if he’s refusing to do anything to make any income for your family.

Have you seen a mortgage advisor yet?

Whats he hiding? Debt? Another woman?