Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

Children are 5 and 7, DH is 50 and in 35.

He has a really good pension, I do not. His solution to this is to sell my rental property (it’s worth less than £100k) and live on that. I’m not sure what happens when that runs out, and we’ll burn through it as I’ll lose my rental income.

He did agree to put our house on the market but is back peddling now it’s sold and there’s a suitable house for us to move into.

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

Bloody hell. I’d be leaving him op. And definitely do not give him any more of your savings towards his business. Keep them for yourself and moving and for the kids. What a horrible man.

I would encourage you op to speak to a solicitor to find out your rights if you were to leave him, and what might happen to your finances.

Oh divorce him he sounds like an utter waste of space. Sounds like financial suicide staying married..

Op. I’ve read the whole thread and your responses which aren’t acknowledging the he’s abusive and you should get divorced posts.

to be honest, I don’t get it.

i don’t understand how you don’t get that it is him who is abusive, that he gas lights you, that he uses you.

What is he.... 6?
This is no way to live....

Also totally unsurprised at the age gap....

Stop cannabalising your assets and go and see a divorce lawyer.

From watching my mother get screwed over in a similar way (my dad was basically retirement age when she go it tofehter and decided enough was enough) i can tell for free if you wait another 10 years you will bitterly regret it as financially he will be viewed as the dependent party.

Right now you are in an okay position.
Start point is 50 /50 of all assets (you'd have the kids so rightly... will likely get more...60 or 70,)
This will inc a portion of all pension...so you'd get half as a start point... given compounding and the fact yours is bad I'd preserve as much pension provision as possible.

You can also trade it for more equity in the home.

In your shoes i would STRONGLY encourage you to continue with the sale and either move into rented OR biy the new house if you feel you could manage it on your own post separation... eg. It's a 400k house and you could comfortably manage a 200k mortgage. Do that and then you can preserve 50% of xombine pension pot too

Let him be a child and play the long game.
Do not let the sale fall through.

All his solutions involve your money and your assets. Don't sell your other property.

If anything, HE is the financially abusive one.
Does he have a ‘men should be the breadwinners’ mindset, and is ashamed / can’t bring himself to admit that his business just doesn’t cut the mustard?

I any case, at 50 he isn’t going to change.
Do you want to keep living with him?

God what a dick, don’t give him money he’s going to spend it all on his failure of a business. You’re not abusive he is.

in future just nod, say sure thing, and crack on. He’s living off you and abusing you at the same time. Utter dick.

Please protect your money and investments. Do not allow this man any access to them. They are your future and your children's future. Thank goodness your kids have one parent with their head screwed on.

You might be thinking that the posters calling for divorce are being too extreme. That's because you are in the relationship and have been told you are the bad guy, so are finding it hard to accept this new idea that he is using you. Please just sit with it and allow it to process. If you can't get angry on your own behalf, think about your children. Your DH is happy to make them financial instable just to further his own ambition and play businesses. Does that sound right to you?

I would recommend seeing a financial advisor on your own first. Get a good understanding yourself, and then later involve him if you really want to stay. But, in my own personal opinion, I'd recommend moving to the new placr and taking him at his wors - if he's not going to be there, then he doesn't have to come. He can go an rent a property with the income from his 'business' can't he?

But remember that the OP would have to halve her assets- her rental house worth 100k etc. If his business isn’t making money, no assets there either, so she’s the one who will be giving up a lot.

This pretty much sums up what I was going to say.

Well it’s obviously not controlling and abusive to ask to discuss finances. It is a perfectly reasonable, indeed vital thing for a couple to discuss.

What would be abusive would be, for example, monitoring every penny your partner spends or trying to prevent them having access to money.

To be honest, he might actually bbe being abusive or controlling to you. Are you getting threatened for trying to discuss finances? Eg “if you mention it again, I’ll leave you.”.

exDP abused me. He normally accused me of his faults Eg he was very fond of telling me I was lazy becuase the house was a mess but when I tied to tidy and clean, I would ask him to put away his shoes and letters etc that were scattered all over rhe floor and he would ignore me and carry on watching TV. He would also actively sabotage my work, so for example while I was cleaning the kitchen floor, he would decide it was the right moment to walk around the kitchen in his muddy wellies

I think it would alsp be a good idea to document how much of your savings have already been 'invested' into his business, or at least how much have been burned through supporting him. Maybe it will make him see, or maybe it will bring it home to you how much of your children's money has been wasted on him.

He is financially abusing you. He is making absolutely no contribution either financially or to family life and blaming everything on you. How hands-on is he with your children? I'm assuming that him renting an office elsewhere means that he can't do housework or childcare.

Speak to a solicitor to see what he would be entitled to if you split up.

I had no idea I was being abused until my GP told me. Psychological abuse creeps up on you. My abuser was very clever (PhD) and clever people can be incredibly good at manipulation. I’m no fool either - I have a degree.

Then your solution can be to divorce him and take half of his pension. He obviously thinks that your savings, your rental home and your wages are his but his pension isn't yours.

The age difference makes it clear that there is a power imbalance in your marriage and he calls all the shots.

What a selfish man.

He's trying to steal your money and calling you abusive when you offer a very sensible alternative.

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

So where does he plan to live? is he going back to Mummy's?

In any event, that seems to me a clear signal to start getting your own legal advice with a view to divorce.

Fucking he’ll and he says you’re abusive?

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

How incredibly childish.

Haven't read the full thread. However honestly get some spreadsheets together showing your own assets, joint assets and income and see a financial advisor with the end game of divorcing.

He is gaslighting you and in a few years you'll be that far in and without nothing to your name that it'll be harder to walk away.

Oh wow!! This sounds exactly like my ex. I ended up practically financially ruined because of him. he doesn’t want to discuss finances because I presume he’s in a worse financial state than you may be aware of. I would say yes we will be moving house, however you won’t be in it. Trust me when I say if this continues it will drive you mad

Thank you on the ops behalf for responding. I hope she will be able to see that that is what has happened to her.
op - when you got together at 20 something and 40 something, he chose you because you were vulnerable and could be manipulated and gaslit. I’m so sorry for you that you didn’t have anyone advocating for you to warn you that this was about power. Then it became habit and you are still just accepting everything he says as correct. The fact that you started this thread is the first step, I imagine you are starting to realise this isn’t right. Talk to solicitors, women’s aid, anyone. Do it for your children before he spunks all their money.

Move anyway without him tell him that’s the end of your marriage and no more money for him. See a mediator arrange finances. He’s the abusive one not you!