Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

So your house is sold and your husband is throwing a tantrum?

Is he feeling like downsizing is like him admitting he’s a failure, but he’s unable to articulate it? Is that why he’s being so aggressively defensive?

That’s absolutely mad and you’re a brick for supporting him this far and offering to move so he can carry on with his business while you pay the bills. He should bite your hand off at that offer. DO NOT sell your rental property 😉 so he can fritter the money while you haven’t got a pension… I mean seriously ??
The sensible thing would be that he got a job but it sounds like he’s in the middle of a folie and there’s no reasoning with him.

LTB. I couldn’t live like this. You’re not a partnership.

He is accusing YOU of abuse???

The only abusive behaviour here is his. He is being financially controlling, demanding you put all your savings in the joint account (why?!? So he can use them all up instead of working??) and now refusing to sell the house so you can live within your means, not to mention refusing to contribute financially to the relationship.

Finances are a HUGE part of marriage. If he is refusing to even discuss finances, then your marriage is pointless.

He needs to give up the rented office, run his business from home, then find a part time job.

Or if he isn't willing to compromise then the house move is sensible.

Selling the rental is not a good move. It is providing you with a regular income.

This isn't abuse from you, I honestly don't know what to make of your DH - it's like weaponised indecision. He won't make a move, but he's trying to stop you making any moves too. I'm trying to work it out from his pov - my gut tells me he's in denial and doesn't want to face up to problems such as his business not doing well. Challenging him is getting a toys thrown out the pram response because he doesn't want to face up to these adult convos? However - that doesn't mean I agree with him, I'm just trying to figure out what he thinks he's doing.
You've every right to want to talk this through, it's not abusive to want open chats like this. I kinda feel like he's gaslighting - describing you as abusive is very hurtful and feels like an attempt to distract you from the real problems by wasting your energy soul searching, when you haven't done anything wrong x

Be careful to be safe. Men who feel themselves a failure often harm their wives and children feeling that if they can't continue they will take the whole family.

That said ..no more funds...that is your children's safety ..what was the business plan...it should be self sustaining by this point surely. Cut all loses and escape...safely

Protect your accounts ..passwords etc.inaccesible, keep an eye on your credit score for any loans being taken out

Stay safe 💐

Forget about selling the house for the moment, focus on the main issue which is that his business is not making any money.

Set a time frame of say a year to get it into profit. After that he had to give it up and get a job.

Do not sell your rental.

Cut your losses and divorce.

A divorce will cost you, but he will completely financially ruin you if you stay.

Money aside, his behaviour is utterly repugnant. I couldn't bear the sight of him if I were you, OP.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It really isn't fair.

So many shit men.

💐

FUCK. HIM. OFF.

Get rid OP, as he’s going to drain your finances completely. He’s a complete idiot.

I'm sorryif this has already been asked. What did he do before he started his business? He's going to take you right down with him and all your money will be gone. You deserve better.

There are genuine signs that he is the abusive one. He stonewalls every financial conversation then calls you abusive for trying to have it. He is protecting a substantial pension while pressuring you to sell your only independent asset. He agreed to the move, let the house sell, then backpedalled once you were committed. And he has now threatened to live in the new house as a ghost, sleeping there and nothing more, which is a punishment tactic, not a compromise.

Before the move, see a solicitor alone. One appointment will tell you what you’re entitled to from his pension, what your position is on the rental property and where you stand with the children. Do not sell that property. Once you know your legal position you can decide from a place of information rather than fear whether this marriage is worth saving.

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barely). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

The moving home issue is irrelevant.

For the above reasons, you need to move into your other property and start divorce proceedings so you can put the house on the market.

It’s the fact he’s continuing to spend on this business rather than cut costs like lose the office, and he wants your rental property, your pension to keep his business going basically. Whilst saying stamp duty is financial suicide

there is a reason this business is not making money, he is financially incompetent, overly emotional, and inept.

this man has children, and he’s in there trying to effectively rob his own wife to satisfy his ego.

Scary post. The man doesn't even like you. Please be careful.

Leave him fuck off then, sounds like he's dragging you down

Not, abusive just realistic. He obviously doesn't want to be told his business is failing and shutting it down under the name of 'abuse'. It needs to be facts over feelings in matters like this. Sorry you're going through it OP 💐

Every word of this OP.

You need to get away from this man, otherwise he will drag you down with him.

Is that you Meghan?

Honestly just leave

"Yeah. That doesn't work for me. I'm tired of you financially abusing me and doing little work in this marriage. I'm filing for divorce and we can go our separate ways. By the way - I will be going after half your generous pension"

He brings nothing to your relationship. He's a prick.

This is a story as old as time though. He already wants your rental, property. He isn’t going to stop till he bankrupts you all and you are homeless. It’s like a gambling addiction, he’s unable to stop himself. He will spend it all. Inc borrow against the house. To see if he can make it work. Just one more year right.

as said, this is as old as time. He will take everything you all have, until there is nothing left.

If it helps op, barley is expected to continue to decline. This is not a business he wants to be in, and he should have known that 2-3 years ago. The decline started late 22, as alcohol demand is declining and a new corridor was implemented, the decline was sharp too. I guess he saw the high prices in the middle of that year, didn’t read the forecasts, thought he’d make a quick buck and made a huge error of judgement. It’s not coming back op.

Pathetic for a 50 year old man. He should be ashamed of himself expecting you to finance his fancies.

Correct him, OP. You're not abusing him, you're leaving him. I do feel for him having a business that hasn't worked out as he'd hoped and he sounds like he is in denial about this but you have to put you and your children's financial future first. Look at houses and get yours valued. He is right about stamp duty being a regrettable cost theoretically but this current situation feels precarious and he needs to put your security first, or you do. You do not sound abusive, OP. You actually sound very patient.

Does he have anyone he can talk to about all of this? Some men feel defined by their job and their ability to provide for their family and also do not confide in others when things go wrong. I am concerned he is a bit on the edge here, mentally. The refusal to discuss it at all is worrying, but you need to look after your financial interests first. You might need to look after yourself but it would be good if there was someone to look after him too. I'm not sure you can do both in these circumstances.

So sorry, OP. Very difficult.