Am I being abusive?

[whatscookinggoodlooking1]

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barley). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

We can afford to buy a smaller, very adequate, house mortgage free. I want to do this as my salary will cover the essentials, his would be spare money so it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t earn.

DH is refusing this idea, but also to do anything else to help us out. I have been supporting us via my savings which are now running out unless I eat into the money I’ve set aside for buying somewhere else.

My AIBU is that he won’t discuss it with me. He just won’t change anything and calls me controlling and abusive. I’m literally begging him to discuss finances with me but he normally storms out and I’m left following him begging him to talk.

I am completely at my wits end and not sure where to go from here.

His business has failed. Stop pouring money into it. Do not sell your property to fund a failed business to prop your husband's ego. It's time for him to face facts. He's under capitalized, his businessay not have a viable plan, but wasting money by renting an office and whatever else he's doing needs to be finished.

If anything, he's financially abusive with his insistence that you fund his failed business with your savings. He's obviously going to strip you financially until you have nothing or go into debt.

See a good lawyer.

Of all the 'this is not a solution', this is the biggest, 'this is not a solution', of ALL the not a solutions.

He is being abusive. And also a tremendous wassock.

His failing business is financial suicide.

Why do so many folks put “ barley” instead of barely?

Too much Soup?

How do you mean?

he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

Might as well divorce him then

Its long past time to stop listening to his nonsense. He's strung you along for years, he's failed his children and wife, and now he's lashing out. Presumably you have no respect for him left anyway? His choice to effectively end the marriage already, as he's not playing for the team.

I wouldn't waste any more of your energy on this person. He's not going to change so I'd leave now while you can still afford it. Take control of the situation and stop pleading with him to talk.

You are being financially abused here. Stop enabling him to pretend he's running a business.

And stop spending endless hours trying to analyse your behaviour and whether you're being abusive. That sort of thinking will lead to you being over-fair with the divorce settlement. He's taken a lot of money from you so you take as much as you can.

Maybe unpopular opinion these days, but I think the word abusive gets to be overused, to mean not fully supporting me in everything I want. More commonly, the situation you describe is the woman wanting what you say your partner wants here, but nothing here screams abuse tome. It's a difference of opinion.

The abuse is him leaving all the financial responsibility to the OP and refusing to discuss anything so she's left in a constant state of panic as her savings reduce.

Now that is abusive behaviour - him refusing to pull his weight during a time of stress. Not to say childish, immature and the rest.

I'd recommend you think hard sbout staying with him. If he is this petulant at 50, he's gonna be a nightmare grumpy old man.

Well he can sort himself out then.

You must prioritise your DC’s stability and that means a secure home and enough to live on. If he will not do the same he needs to go.

This. He has exploited you enough already. Put your DCs’ interests first and protect your finances as best you can. No, he does not get to run through any profits from selling your property so he can continue his delusional life.

Divorce the dick. Yes, he will be entitled to a fair bit but same goes for his pension. He might leave you alone if you offer to leave that intact.
Start getting copies of all financials, see where you are at.
No matter what he walks away with the split will screw him far more than you. He has no regular income to support himself, you will have your wage.
Bet he will start talking about how his business is insolvent once you stop supporting him.

Honestly get out now before things get worse. If you stay with him you’ll end up burning through all your savings and the rental flat, selling your house and in a council house with no pension.

Stop using your savings as soon as you can. Refuse to bail him out. Buy the bare necessities for you and the kids but nothing for him.

Go and see a solicitor and work out next steps.

Oh and do not back down just because he throws the word abusive out there. It is not abusive to want to make sure you and the kids are financially secure. In fact it’s abusive to refuse to do so in a situation like this. He’s just trying to close the discussion down because he knows you’re right.

OP, you are not being abusive. Trying to make your household finances add up now and in the future is not abusive. It sounds like you have been transparent (with information at least) and supported your family on your own for years.

Being pressured into selling an asset (your rental home) that doesn't make financial sense to do so is abusive. If your pension assets are limited, this is another resource for you and selling and draining the value without a long term prospect to replace does not make financial sense.

If he is determined not to move, he needs to commit to bringing in the income needed to make up the shortfall. He pays xx amount into a joint account every month. Continuing to pursue a business that doesn't bring in an income is a poor decision for your family. If he can't make it financially viable before your mortgage increases, he needs to find a job to make up the shortfall.

However, his response to you is horrible. Putting everything on your shoulders, the decisions, the move, the finances, and stepping back from any kind of support, working with you as a team, is awful. It does sound like you will be better off without him. Particularly if you can afford this smaller property with no support from him, you'll likely be better off.

You are the one being financially abused. If he’s refusing any options even discussion as you have a rental property move yourself and your children to that.

Absolutely this and i bet it was his idea to buy the big house with with the big mortgage so he can walk down the road with his big balls swinging and everyone can say oh look at him what a man, just tell him hes getting no more money from you full stop

This.

He sounds like a manchild. I can imagine him standing there stomping his feet, red in the face calling you controlling and abusive.
He needs to grow up.

Mind you, why is he trying to sell barley, anyway? 😁

Omg leave!! Before he takes any more of your money! He’s a horrid old man!

If he has a big pension hopefully you’ll keep your savings in exchange for not taking any of it.