AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

You say he was in a mood when he got home. So pretty much as he got through the door? It sounds like he was fine while away and then was unhappy at returning home, felt irritated immediately and then took it out on you over petty things so that he could internally justify his feelings.

I’d say something like, “It was clear you weren’t happy coming home. Equally, I’m not happy because I feel like an irritation that you don’t want to spend time with. This seems like something we need to chat about, not ignore and pretend isn’t happening.”

If he’s unhappy and too cowardly to tell you, he certainly can’t passively aggressively vent that frustration on you when you have no idea what you’ve done wrong. A bit of clutter on a table shouldn’t be an excuse for shitty treatment. Hope you’re okay.

Sorry its so long.
I think i feel like I'm far down the priority list in what makes him happy. And I don't know how to crawl back up it.

LTB

I am sorry to be flippant but he doesn’t sound like he is being responsive to your needs

It really does bother him though. The table. Because I know it bothers him he feels that not prioritising tidying it shows I don't care about his feelings.

It escalated into a full row because he says He's not allowed to be upset about this and its all about my feelings.

No. Probably not
But when I say that he says why is it just about my needs?

He sounds controlling and unkind. What do you mean you’ve ’learned’ to keep surfaces as clean as possible? What happens if you don’t? Does he care about the things that bother you?? What happens when the children make the mess?

He sounds like a control freak. Do you really want to spend your life worried about making him happy? What about your happiness?

I do want him to be happy. I love him.
I don't think he's controlling but things like this really do bother him.
I just wish he could prioritise the good feeling of being together over the irritation at the table.

Hang on a minute. What about your feelings? Being told off for not keeping things as he likes them, you're not a child. He wasn't at home to care about books on the table, and I guess you rushed to put the books away when you got back, said sorry, and all that. It is ridiculous to expect the kitchen table to be clear at all times. It's a family home.
He sounds like a bit of a tyrant. Can you ever relax in your home or are you constantly tidying?

I think I would be saying: I do my best to consider your feelings about clutter and tidiness and as a result you usually have a tidy home despite not doing it yourself (perhaps don’t say that bit if you’re trying to keep the peace a bit more!) On the other hand, you don’t consider my feelings about showing me appreciation for the things I do or by telling me you love me. So, either we both need to let go of some stuff, or you need to step up and do your part in considering my feelings. Let me know which you’d prefer.

He’s being selfish and uncaring. Your children will live on edge, never being allowed to leave anything out for a short while is horrible and they will start to look forward to when he’s out or away and they can relax a bit in their own home (ask me how I know…). He needs a wake up call and you need to consider whether you’re prepared to live this way for the next 40 years.

He sounds like he has anger issues OP. I couldn't live with that -too much like my dad. The kids will be picking up on his moodiness more than you realise too

I agree with Lilacdrift . He has control issues, If he doesn’t like a few bits on the table why can’t he put them away himself ? He’s not your dad . He’s not allowed to boss you about . Next time he makes an issue of a petty situation tell him to bugger off .

He does tidy as well. And do laundry. The cooking is my job.
He is bothered when the kids do it too- so its not at me (although smallest DD is not exactly going to be tidying after herself all the time)

There’s no mention of him trying to do something to help himself not get so wound up over some stuff on a table. It’s not ok to kick off like that. He’s a father of 2, he’s married. It’s not just about him and his feelings he needs to learn to compromise.

I'm trying to be balanced as there are always two sides.

Frankly I'd go nuclear and bin the fucking table and replace it with a couple of storage units.

Selfish prick, making a table a point it argument in a home. He is presumably fed, housed, safe, loved, warm, and a competent adult? Then he needs to count his damn blessings sometimes.

Although I was really upset by his reaction today. I don't feel loved and h knows this. But he says its just not something he can express.

OP, I would urge you to read The Names by Florence Knapp. There are huge Gordon parallels here.

So it was just your daughter's homework books on the table? He's being ridiculous. Surely once her homework has been finished, she will put the books in her school bag?

He can't expect every surface to be clear when he has two children. He doesn't sound at all suited to family life as he is very selfish and expects his needs to be put first.

He sounds awful.

Couldn't he just tidy the table if it bothered him that much?

“I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.”
I find this statement uncomfortable! This is making him sound controlling! My DH likes a neat and tidy house however that responsibility doesn’t fall solely on my shoulders! I find being very tidy quite tiring as it’s not my natural level. DH knows if he dares comment on my levels of tidiness he’ll end up doing it himself I’m not his bloody housekeeper!

I'm reading this all and it makes me want to defend him. I appreciate that might sound nuts as I asked the question
But he does do his fair share around the house. He does do his faur share of childcare. He does work hard. And he doesnt disappear for hours on a hobby.
He does get in low moods easily. And its usually my fault. I try to keep my sadness about his lack of expressive love to myself because he isnt a bad man at all. He's a good son and a good father. And I love him very much for all his positives.

There’s something wrong with him and if he doesn’t sort himself out or you leave him, he will destroy you (and the children).

Oooooo nooooo his low moods are NOT your fault!