AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

OP living life 'treading on eggshells' is what being in an emotionally abusive relationship is.
You can never meet his ridiculous standards, you're always getting criticised.

We all like things to be neat and tidy but if I came home to a table full of homework books and paper I'd think 'Thank God, they've done their homework!' And we'd chat about what we've been up to.

The family table is a collective place of responsibility, not 'yours' to keep tidy. The fact that the first thing he did wasn't to greet you with love or ask about the weekend but was to criticise you is awful. I'd reinforce with him that the table with papers on it is a good thing: it shows that the kids completed their homework. It also shows that you have enough 'milk, bread' or whatever it was you had to suddenly run to the shop for, as you suddenly had to down tools and go. If he has a problem with how it was left, they are also his children so he can clear up after them.

However, I wouldn't tolerate anyone treating me as a maid or servant and if his view has comfortably shifted to that then I'd suggest he fixes his attitude or I'd be considering a new relationship.

Nobody should be living on eggshells over keeping everything neat and tidy. Yes, it's an 'ideal' but life gets in the way sometimes and nobody has ever died from leaving the dishes to do a few hours later or leaving some homework on the table.

Sorry, I just read all the updates and in one you say that he gets into low moods easily and it's usually 'your fault'.

No, it's never your fault. He is blaming you but it's not your responsibility. You are not responsible for his moods!

He says that he feels like he's 'tidying all the time'... that's what life with kids is like! That's all husband and I seem to ever do, endless washing, feeding, cleaning, hoovering. We are all doing it, we aren't all blaming our spouse for it though!

He really needs to get some professional help to understand why be is like this as it comes across as him being emotionally abusive to his wife

OP you are making every excuse under the sun for this man but that is up to you, you are an adult and can decide what rubbish to accept in your life. The people i feel sorry for are your poor children, having to live in a home where you can't even leave a book on the table must be bloody awful and must impact their MH. I dread to think how they will be when they are teens having to deal with a father that is not only a control freak but a father that only cares about "his" feelings and how things affect him. But hey ho you reap what you sow.
Your children have one childhood and they need parents that make their life pleasant and their home life contented, yours won't have that.

Why can’t he clear the table (and the surfaces etc.) if they bother him so much? He does sound controlling. Do you do all or most of the household stuff and looking after the children, and are you trying to do these things to ‘his’ standards?

what about if you imagine in your ideal life, how it would have been when you got home? Maybe dh cooking something nice, music playing, the kids leaping around, everyone telling each other about their weekends, shrugging their shoulders over the clutter, dh expressing concern that you hadn’t bought anything at all for yourself (the knife is not for you btw its just a household necessity). Maybe this is why you get ‘irrationally angry’ like a kind of grief, for the life you hoped for?
Why is he leaping around doing housework tonight, you said he can’t just relax? Either he sat around relaxing all weekend and just wants to make you feel shit, or he was just as annoying at his parents house, and they’re glad to see the back of him.
He does love you, he loves picking on you. He did miss you, he missed toying with you. It sounds like he’d be happier living alone really.

You need to stand up for yourself OP. Enough of the “there’s two sides” nonsense.

You have spent years trying to live up to his “standards”/ the way he likes to live even though it isn’t the way you would choose to live. The way he behaved about books on a table is simply inexcusable. You were doing work with your child & you popped to the shops. He needs to get a grip. He didn’t come home & find you in bed with another man. He found the leftovers of you doing work with his child!

What will he think on his deathbed - that he’s glad his house was orderly.

He also insists to indulge his “anxiety” but won’t engage with you when you want him to express love for you.

And labelling it “anxiety” is manipulative IMO because it shuts down the conversation. You can’t point out that his standards are OTT because the poor dear is anxious. Just because you have negative feelings when something is not to your liking doesn’t mean you can label it “anxiety”. It sounds more like anger in any case (although the two are relatives).

You need to tell him that you too are anxious and that there only seems to be room for his anxiety. He feels free to guilt trip you about his anxiety while you are running around trying to live him to his standards. Yet he completely ignores your needs & anxiety cause by him. He doesn’t have a monopoly on either anxiety or the way you all chose to live as a family.

He needs to be assessed for being OTT.
He is not acting appropriately in being fearful of homework on a bench.
Tell him you like things to be out, displayed and easy to use.

His attitude is causing misery.

Agree that some of his spaces he can control, otherwise he needs to respect the other people in the house and how they keep their spaces.
You should be comfortable to store your things how you please and not be as fastidious as him.

If he wants a tidy house he’s more than able as a whole grown human man to infact, tidy up after his children.

You don't crawl back up it. You stand at the top of your own ladder and shove him off his. He sounds horrid. Kick him to the curb before he destroys your happiness and self-esteem completely.

Think about being married to this man for the next 40-50 years, if you think you could cope long term with this behaviour then fair enough if not, then time for a rethink

If the messy table bothers him why doesn’t he clear it up? If your daughter was doing homework and you had to hurry off to the shops there’s a reason it was there. It’s a him problem. Not a you problem!

Book yourselves some therapy to find out what went on in his childhood and, to understand what went on in yours also, given you are enabling his behaviour.

To be honest, I think it depends if it's a once a week thing or every single time you use the table thing.

I understand there are other issues at play, but if you leave your crap out every single day and expext him to do it, or say 'I'll do it later', I can see how that would get old pretty quick - ask me how I know

Stop making excuses for him. He’s not losing any sleep worrying about how you’re feeling is he?

Does he chill and relax and become a loving DH when the table is clear and the house is tidy, OP? I bet the answer to this is no. His anxiety will simply find another outlet and he’ll be stressed and angry about something else. He needs to deal with these underlying issues. If you continue to clean the house to his standards, you’re just feeding the anxiety. He needs some professional help to deal with what is quite extreme behaviour. I grew up in a home with an adult like this and it was stressful and frightening in equal measure. Don’t underestimate the effect this will be having on your DC.
Id be asking him about work, finances whatever it is that he is bottling up and funneling into his need for control. I’d stop arguing about tables and books. If he want talk about it and he won’t seek professional help, you need to concentrate on protecting your and you DC’s mental health as this will erode it. Ultimately you need to stop caring about his feelings so much because you can’t do anything to fix this.

I agree, my ex-husband was just like this also very impatient with our DD when she was old enough to have her own opinion. OP your DH expecting the whole home to be exactly how he likes it at all times is not reasonable when he shares the space with other family members, can he have one room that's the way he likes it instead? It seems clear that he thinks his feelings are more important than yours... this type of person can really wear you down over time.

Don't usually comment but...
This was my marriage. The need to keep the peace, walking on egg-shells, never feeling loved, always prioritising his happiness and needs. It destroys you and, this is why I'm posting, the impact on your kids is HUGE. I naively thought that if I could keep him happy we'd all be all right. So I prioritised him and not my kids. Many years later, he's in a nursing home and none of his children make any effort with him: they don't want to know him and I don't blame them. That's point one. Point two is my eldest daughter who ended up with a copy of her father - moody, controlling, unhappy; not willing to make the effort to get help for his anxiety/depression. Fortunately she had the courage to kick him out. She could see the same thing happening to her children that happened to her and her siblings. I've done a lot of talking work with my children about their childhood and my inability to do the right thing by them. It's hard when you live with someone who is essentially a controlling narcissist, who can be amazing but mostly isn't who is very happy to let you do all the emotional work and let you take the blame for his unhappiness. You are NEVER responsible for someone's else's happiness. But you are responsible for protecting your children from the emotional damage that is being done to them.

I don't think the OP was at home when he got in ,she was at the shops so doesn'tknow his moodwhen he walkedthroughthe doir. . He arrived to an empty house and a table with homework books. He sounds challenging to live with.

He’s abusive.

It’s very telling that he objects to you suggesting therapy, that he has a “problem” he needs to “sort out”. So even though he knows he’s hurt you, he thinks he’s done nothing wrong? He doesn’t give a toss about how you feel, only that you haven’t matched his standards. Selfish, arrogant arsehole he is. Sorry OP, he sounds very nasty and he IS controlling. He’s made it clear, by objecting to your suggestion of therapy for his massive overreaction to some homework on the table (which you would have cleared up had you had time - a fact he’s ignoring in favour of berating you), he is not going to change, has no intention of changing and life is too short to put up with this kind of petty behaviour.

Hi OP, my partner is a bit like yours - I think people see women being clean freaks as more normal than when a man is like that. My partner likes everything in its place, he isn't an emotion shower either. But I just give him as good as he gets if he gets grumpy and the thing is we do have a good life together and makes me laugh until I cry regularly and such a soppy cat dad to the cats I forced into his life. We travel a lot together and he's been with me 23 years and makes lots of future plans with me so I must be doing something right 😁 thing is we both grew up at the hands of unaffectionate mother's that were pretty brutal at times so that probably impacts how affectionate or emotionally expressive a person can be - except to the cats, he loves asking the cats to give him a kiss which is quite sweet for man who is a real man's man 😁

He seems to be controlling inasmuch as he just doesn’t care what you feel or want. It’s your house too! What you’re describing is stuff for “living”, not dirt and grime. What happens when you’re ill? Do you still have to keep the house spotless, or does he get his finger out and do it himself? I think you should both sit down and talk about “resetting” your marriage, with compromise on both sides, not just constantly yours. If he can’t/won’t , then you may have to move on to someone who isn’t so up his own bum.

OP I have read all your comments but not replies by others.
What jumped out was his comment that the mess makes him anxious and I wonder if he has undiagnosed OCD. My dh suffers with it and whilst his reaction wasn't like your dh's he did talk about intrusive thoughts, I just wondered if this is what he refers to when he says it makes him anxious?
You can't make him better by keeping things tidy, something is bubbling underneath and that needs professional help. My dh was dealing with issues from over 25 years ago.
I know you said he won't go to therapy but honestly, this for me would be the breaker. He HAS to get help, starting by seeing his GP for a referral.
If he refuses that, you genuinely do need to consider if you want to stay. Maybe look up OCD if you haven't already , and show him that.
Good luck