AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

That is what I think i was expecting in this relationship. I am infinitely tidier than when I met him. I believe its good for me, the house and the kids as well as for him.
But I don't see every tiny bit of clutter like he does. And it gets to him. He feels like he's always tidying. And he thinks that is unfair.
To be clear- our house is not messy. I compare with friends and I would say its average. There are plenty of friends houses I could not live in now.

His low moods are not your ‘fault’.
Please listen to what everyone is saying. This behaviour is borderline coercive and abusive.
What happens when the girls get older and his low moods become their ‘fault’??

Just tell him that you respect that it bothers him and the majority of the time you factor this into your daily actions but once in a while you won't be able to factor in his rigid need for everything to be cleared away the second it is not in use. It's not fair to punish you with a bad atmosphere every time you fail to live up to his unrealistic standards. It's not fair on the children either.

You have repeatedly expressed that you need him to demonstrate his love and he says he can't and refuses to try. Not sure why he thinks only his needs should be met.

@Periperinotsospicy my DH is fucking pernickety fussy and likes everything very neat. 38 years in, he gets it that way because he's always kind and grateful and would never have a whinge up if I bought something for the kitchen althiugh ot made me smile when you said you'd bought a new knife.

I wanted to show this to him but I think I can't now.
I dont think he will destroy anything. I'm a pretty strong person and have a good sense of self worth. I just want him to also be happy and I think he needs to learn to let go. He disagrees.

I agree with this. My DH is a bit similar. He can't relax if the house is messy. He will sometimes get home from work and the kitchen is messy. I can tell he is inwardly rolling his eyes, but he will immediately start tidying the kitchen rather than being grumpy with me.

Yes the table bothers your DH, but he could tidy it rather than starting a fight every time. It sounds like you are walking on ege shells around him.

He's made you responsible for his happiness and takes none for yours.

I'm not sure how long it's going to take you to wake up to how abusive and unbalanced this is but I hope it's not long, for the sake of the children, who he is also training the same way.

It is NOT your fault.

It does sound like an unreasonable reaction to a few books on the table.

If he felt that his feelings were being disregarded, and you feel like you’re not good enough, do you think something deeper is going on?

Is there a reason why you didn’t all go to visit his parents together?

I want to get through to him. His feelings matter to me. And I don't want to leave him. Not at all.
But I am on eggshells when it comes to the house. I agree its not fair but how do I get him to understand that?
I'm not perfect at all! I get irrationally angry (although perimenopause is making that much much less common) but when I think I'm wrong I apologise.

I mean it was about 5 or 6 books.
DD11 had a club so she couldn't so he took the youngest. They had a great time ( well she did anyway- he hasn't really said)

I think he sounds autistic…

I’ve become much tidier over the 5 years we’ve been together but I still have my moments my bedside table is much messier than his he’ll occasionally mention it but he swiftly gets told it’s my side of the bed and I like my bits & pieces out!

And to be fair my side of the bed has a clothes chair and books all over the bedside table. He doesn't complain (too much) about that

Does your DH get cross with the children if they make a mess or does he just take it out on you? I don't think that five or six homework books on a table is a mess but he obviously does.

Just to play devils advocate, it is very annoying when someone constantly does something you’ve asked them not to do because it’s important to you (even if not to them).

Obviously the table will get messy from time to time and if you rushed out to the shops then that’s a perfectly valid excuse and he’s being unreasonable in these circumstances. However, I can imagine it being annoying if it’s happening all the time when he’s made it clear it’s a quirk of his to like the table clear

He doesn't care for your feelings.

If it bothers him that much, he can tidy the books away himself! Why is it your job to walk on eggshells around him to make him happy? Honestly, he sounds controlling and the being in a mood and 'punishing' you for a few books on the table is completely unhinged. It sounds like you've been living with it for so long that you don't recognise controlling behaviour when you see it 😔

Sorry OP, he sounds controlling , and controls you by prioritising his own emotional needs over your own. How much are his low moods sulking? I think you hit the nail on the head when you said nothing you do is ever good enough. It won’t be, because that’s how he retains control. Do you always want to feel like you’re short of doing the right thing, and the man you love can’t say I love you back? For someone who’s quick to speak about his own emotional needs, he seems very unable to articulate his positive emotions when they might rub off well on you.

Problem is because you always pander to his needs and walk on eggshells to make sure you keep things as he likes them you have inadvertently reinforced the idea that he is right.

Don't apologise for the books, stop explaining yourself. Tell him you can't always be responsible for keeping the house the way he wants it. Ignore his little moods.

He sounds an absolute pain in the arse I’d be telling him that aswell
so what if you left some books and papers out

it shouldn’t have mattered if you left plates out if you rushed to the shops!

he’s being ridiculous

It's interesting you say this. My partner is really similar to the OPs, in that he finds mess very hard to deal with (especially when he's stressed). I'm naturally more messy/see mess less and it has made him feel before like I don't consider his needs. When it's literally that i don't see mess like he does.

I've actually started wondering if he is on the spectrum. His dad has OCD, and DP has some traits (intrusive thoughts, feeling extremely stressed if he's out of control etc) which also probably plays a part. But I do wonder if he is also autistic.

He sounds overly critical tbh. He has a family and lives in a family home. Books on a table goes with that and he shouldn’t take his mood out on you. You’re not a maid or skivvy who has to present a show home to avoid your husbands rage.

I’ve have told him I care about how he feels but that doesn’t mean I have to change my normal behaviour to avoid him being nasty to me. He sounds manipulative and neurotic.

It bothers you when he goes in a mood and has a go at you. But look…. He still does it. By his own claim that shows he disregards your feelings and wants.

It sounds to me like he may be on the spectrum?
He is going to have to meet you halfway. You can't keep walking on eggshells.

His moods are not your fault. If he can get so worked up over a few books on a kitchen table, he needs some professional help.

He just came to speak to me and said that mess makes him really anxious.
I said then let's get you some help to deal with that anxiety because otherwise its me (and the kids) stepping on eggshells.
He's got really upset as he thinks this is me saying "sort your problem out". But its not. I'd happily go to therapy with him to help reduce his anxiety around it but he wouldn't want me there.