AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

So he can't express how he feels about u but finds it easy to express how pissed off he was at the messy table ? Sounds like he likes being a nasty bastard and not telling u how he feels about u keeps u on the back foot ! That's not love that's abuse

Is he always such an abusive killjoy ?!!
tell him to fuck off and sulk somewhere else
and only return when he’s ready for adulting

You cannot make him happy if he doesn’t put the work into resolving his anxiety / anger issues- it’s just wishful thinking on your behalf and totally futile.
The only person you can change is yourself. You either put up with this shit by constantly walking on eggshells and setting your daughters a poor example of what a marriage looks like or you don’t and separate. Maybe leaving him will make him seek the help he obviously needs.

OP - let him read your post replies - might shut him up a bit!

How would he know the books were finished with? How does he think his fussing and fulminating made his child feel about what was, in fact, a very trivial matter? Doesn't he think he should be prioritising his child's wellbeing, however badly he thought you'd behaved, you disobedient shopgoing wifey, rather than kicking off about his own Feelings?

I couldnt live with him. You sound like your walking on eggshells. Its your house too and his low moods is his blame not yours. If I was you I would be binning him off. I bet if you lived alone with your children you would all be happy.

It sounds like he needs therapy, OP. And you need to look after yourself too - as others have said neither you nor the children should be walking around on eggshells 💖 Him getting this worked up over a table is not normal - he needs to get professional help to sort out whatever is underlying that reaction, because this is deeper than a table.

He is being ridiculous. He knows fine well that you care about him..Has he learned this weird "love language" ("pander to my absurd standards or I will accuse you of not loving me") from his parents?

He's like a toddler having a tantrum because you cut his sandwich on the diagonal instead of straight across. Does he not see how petty and overwrought he is being about this? Well, obviously not..But from the outside his manipulative "oh you left a book on the table you DON'T LOVE ME!!! WAAH WAAH!!!" just seems so silly.

This. Is. His. Problem. You have done nothing wrong, by the standards of 99.99999999% of the population..i e pretty much everyone except him.

Sorry if this has been mentioned a million times (haven't RTFT), but have you considered OCD?

He could if he really wanted to. Little gestures; a note with your packed lunch, a card with a few words. If he claims he can’t the say words out loud, there are other ways.

He sounds like a prize pillock, in all honesty. If he dislikes an untidy table he could clear the stuff away himself. Instead, he uses it as an opportunity to berate you and make you feel small, uncertain of your place in his life. A loving husband wouldn’t do that.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling unloved? And on edge in case he decides something is out of place? It sounds pretty bloody miserable to me.

Sorry OP but your husband is an absolute fucking cunt. You get ONE life and he is choosing to make yours miserable. I was married to someone like this. OMG I’m so happy to have divorced him. The kids don’t bother with him much now. Life is too precious and too short to spend it walking on eggshells.

I couldn't be with someone so controlling. Houses with kids get messy. If it bothers him that much he can tidy it up. To get funny with you about it is ridiculous and petty.

May I say OP - ''Ducks in a row''?

I think he sounds like a cunt. Except cunts are warm and welcoming.

Did he / does he have an overbearing mummy who kept his childhood home sparkly clean?

Next time just tell him you’ve been busy and he can fuck off and clean it himself if he wants because you’re not a bloody servant and haven’t just been sat on your arse all day doing nothing.

Forget about his feelings. He’s being an absolute moron and should be told as much.

His feelings matter to you.

Do your feelings matter to him?

His coldness towards you is a bigger issue than a few books on the kitchen table.
He sounds awful, controlling and unkind. I hope you’re ok. Do you have people IRL to talk to?
Sending support.

he sounds horrible

This is manipulative.
You and he have different standards of tidiness. It isnt for you to meet his standards of tidiness in order to please him . If he wants to tidy up he can do that. But making you feel bad for not caring about him because you have different tidiness standards thats a massive red flag.....

One thing that occurs to me about things like the table is whether there could be some sort of agreement between you and your DH that xyz things are clear / done / sorted by x point in the day. It seems completely unrealistic to keep a surface clear at all times because otherwise how is it actually supposed to be used? Having to clear up after yourself all the time immediately, and to have all tasks done as soon as they are created, leaves no space for spontaneity whatsoever and must create constant strain and tension. But if instead an end result each day is agreed upon, that would create so much more freedom. It makes me think of the 'tidying up 15 mins / 30 mins' that someone once advised me to try towards the end of each day, but like a family version of it.

However if the only way for him to keep his anxiety at bay is for everything to appear uncluttered and neat at all times etc then I'm afraid that is a 'him' problem. If he actually values you and your life together, he has to accept that you are not the same as him, are not an unreasonable person and that your own emotional needs are just as significant as his (and it seems that he fundamentally does not accept this given the way he has dismissed your own concerns about validation.

You and your kids do not exist as extras in your DH's life with the sole aim of soothing his anxiety or limiting its triggers! Unfortunately anxiety, when severe, tends to dominate our thoughts to a point where it is easy to lose perspective because there is such a desperate felt need to avoid or escape or neutralise the anxiety in some way that everyone else's needs and viewpoints can become collateral damage. And if you ultimately don't feel heard or respected in your marriage, and have to walk on eggshells to help your DH cope with a problem that he clearly doesn't see as a problem... well your so-called irrational anger probably makes a lot more sense than you think. If we don't let ourselves acknowledge or connect with our anger when it is justified, I reckon it tends to leak out in other ways and ends up making us seem like over-reacting, hormonal psychos when we are not!

Exactly,poor op will forever be walking on eggshells to keep his lordship happy.
That's no way to live.

He is confusing his feelings about mess with your feelings. You are clearly wired differently.
Your messy table is just a messy table because you're busy and you will clear it away when you are ready to. His interpretation of that messy table is that you have left it like that to annoy him.
His interpretation of this is skewed. You don't do it to annoy him - it's just normal life.

You've mentioned upthread about the anxiety he feels when things are untidy. That's a him problem. He needs to appreciate your feelings in all this, that a messy table is not a statement, it's not an act, it's just a messy table.
Sounds like there is something in his conscious brain - what was his home life like as a child? Were his parents hoarders or perhaps the other end of the scale - really insanely tidy. It might explain a little about why he acts like this.
Also, some men just cannot show their feelings. Their - and I say this with dread as I hate the phrase - love language 😖can be making you a cup of coffee or cleaning your car - something practical. Like I said, it's the wiring!

You have changed to become tidier (I have had to do this too). Where are the compromises he has made?

No one’s anxiety should dictate the relationship.

As a parent you have to accept a level of untidiness unless you are going to do all the tidying yourself. Not that you inflict standards that cause misery to the rest of the household.

My husband has a similar frustration with minor messes. But he only gets annoyed with me about it if I’ve been home alone and watching TV or something, and I haven’t bothered to do any tidying up. If I’ve had the kids and he gets back after being out/away, he tidies it all up himself and asks the kids to help him.

He’s very aware we have different tidyness standards and is aware that he mostly needs to manage that himself. Occasionally he tells me that he’s frustrated by it and would like everyone to make more of an effort, but mostly he just does it himself.

I say to you with kindness - your husband's happiness is not your responsibility. He is responsible for his own happiness, and his own behaviours.