AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

Greetings original commenter - I’m so immensely sorry you had to deal with this coldness 💚 You completely deserve a warm, excited welcome, & it makes complete sense that you feel hurt & let down-I would too & he seems finicky & petty in my humble opinion - Please know you did absolutely nothing wrong. Prioritising your Childrens’ happiness is a wonderful thing, and his reaction is not a reflection of your worth. Take a deep breath & just let things cool down for now but know you've done nothing 5🫂 Completely empathise&it's not silly to wish for reassurance of the fact you're loved & valued -
Remember you've got your priorities right & you deserve validation, to be made to feel respected & loved
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

You say you run around to keep things tidy for him. Does he ever do the cleaning/tidying? Without sulking or to prove a point?

I second this. My DH was obsessed with tidiness when we met, so was I to a certain extent but once we had kids the mess was inevitable and if he had the cheek to get in a hump about something like this, after I birthed his children I would tell him exactly where to go.

Yes. I get that. Which i why I do make an effort to try and keep things clean. But sometimes it isn't.

Thanks for saying that. I need to understand his point of view else I can't help him. But he just says I'm saying he's wrong.

Well you are asking him to sort his problem out and actually that's completely fine. His anxiety is controlling you all and making for an unhealthy environment for your kids. It is completely ok to tell him that he needs to address his own anxieties rather than you having to be responsible for managing them for him.

No no no it’s not your fault he gets in a mood. He is a grown man responsible for his own emotions. He sounds like the Sergeant Major type (Lundy Bancroft). He is supposed to be your husband not your boss!

Hes so manipulative. He knows exactly how to get you chasing his heels saying ‘sorry, please forgive me, that’s not what I meant, please believe me’. And you’re always left on the back foot feeling like you’re to blame for his moods.

You do think he is wrong. Own that. Tell him it’s unreasonable of him. It’s valid for it to irritate him, it’s not valid that he feels he can be angry and moody with his wife and expect her to dance to his tune to assuage his anxiety.

YANBU. He's basically saying his feelings trump everything else and you don't matter. He's a twat. Only you can decide whether you want to carry on accepting this.

Sounds like my husband's autistic meltdowns

Why are you trying to please him? Just tell him to fuck off and go about your business making as much mess as possible.

So from all the comments (and I have read every one) I understand I am not being unreasonable (in this instance) and he might be.
He apologised for his reaction but still believes he was right.
I don't know how to move past this. I just want him to understand I really care about his happiness but this isn't ok.

I hope it’s a new butter knife you bought and nothing sharper - as I know if I had a new knife in my hands and such a petty partner quibbling over a few books on the table - I would be facing a long prison sentence.

seriously though - this is absolutely unacceptable - he is a controlling git who seriously needs to unclench and get a life.

i couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who is this pedantic and controlling. It is not a healthy dynamic.

wishing you all the best

If it makes him so anxious, why doesn’t he tidy it up? Why is he making it your responsibility to ensure everything is always tidy? I feel for you OP, he needs to get over himself

He sounds controlling . A house Is not a showhome a house is lived in there will be things not in correct place etc all the time and that's ok.

This sounds like me in my previous relationship. I defended him for years about how he was “really a good guy” when in actual fact he was manipulating and coercing me, making me feel low and at fault for his bad tempers, constantly walking on egg shells trying not to irritate him and he also used the excuse that he couldn’t express love/affection like others do. It wasn’t true, he didn’t care about my needs, he just wanted someone to control, after 5 years I got out of it and it still took a few months after that before I truly saw him for what he was. I didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship and I defended it, and made excuses for him when others tried to show me the red flags. It’s like reading posts from myself 6 years ago. We also had 2 children together, they much prefer staying with me now than with him because they are now at an age where they are also starting to see how he’s begun treating them in this same way and how he’s treating his current girlfriend. The best advice I could give you OP is to please run and never look back!

Yes completely concur with you🫂
It's so sad that when we ourselves are actually in some circumstances /situations, we can't see it's clearly as outsiders looking in can 💚🙏💚

This relationship is over, OP. I’m sorry you even got together with this knobhead. This is way beyond normal levels of tidyness. Please set yourself free from this tyranny!

I really want him to be happy. I just can't make every move about making sure that happens.
I think he's depressed.

why does he get to disregard your feelings and how it makes you feel when he is in a mood about the table or the kitchen. He get anxious about the the mess and you get anxious walking on eggshells expecting his moods if you aren’t perfect.

why does his anxiety trump yours? Why can’t his anxiety about mess be solved by him being responsible for cleaning the house to his exacting standards?

But isn't he saying then that you're wrong? Why is that OK? And why can't you get to 'we have very different preferences on this thing, so because we love each other, we comprise' ?

You both need to think about it differently.

He’s not wrong for preferring a tidy table And feeling irritated by mess. That’s human and he can’t control that.

He is wrong for expecting you to be a robot, kowtow to his needs and being mean when you don’t.

His feelings are valid but his reaction isn’t.

You aren’t wrong for forgetting to tidy a table. You show you care because you usually tidy the table. Your hurt feelings are also valid.

If he is unable to move past someone having to be right and someone having to be wrong and this being a point of injustice to him then he is going to get stuck in a loop and treat you badly forever.

Why can’t he stay on top of laundry?

see its the "he thinks he's right" thing that I find concerning......You are an adult. You get to choose who you live with and how you work out how to live with them.....but have you thought what effect this will have on your children?

How about you start centring YOUR happiness, and that of your kids, instead of his? Imagine how that would feel, a lot more attainable than chasing your tail trying to please him, I would imagine.