AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life living on your nerves for fear of upsetting him? You shouldn't have to put up with him doing it. If he isn't willing to change then you really need to think whether you really want to stay with him, it can't be good for the kids living in a home with someone so unpredictable who can blow up if there is a hair out of place.

Other posters have already covered that your husband needs to seek help for his anxiety over mess and you need to advocate for your children.

Is there space in your house for him to have an office area or other kind of space that is just his and he can have that as clutter free and controlled as he likes and then he can chill out there alone sometimes?

For the shared spaces he doesn’t get to control them like that. They will get messy sometimes and he has no right to inflict his inappropriate response about it on the rest of the family. That means if it bothers him that much he can tidy them but not sulk or get grumpy. He absolutely is not allowed to be annoyed about homework books on a table. Maybe if they’ve sat there for weeks untouched but not if they’re left as you’ve dashed out to the shops.

I also agree with the poster who said how good he is at expressing negative emotion. He does need to know how unreasonable he is but he also sounds autistic and if he won’t work with you on compromise you’re very stuck.

Yes exactly. Some feelings can be expressed just fine apparently (knob). Funny that…..

You sound normal, he sounders bonkers and needs professional help to stop being so uptight and miserable.
I’m afraid if he were my husband I would leave a mess every day, drawers and cupboards left open, towels on the bathroom floor, cooking detritus not cleared away, dishwasher stacked all wrong, taps left dripping … then perhaps it would shock some sense into him.
In fact I’ve just realised my husband does all these things but he’s also kind, loving and always puts me first so I’ve learned to ignore it and tidy it myself. We’ve been married donkeys years so I’ve realised his limits….. eventually.

In my relationship, I’m the one who really needs clear surfaces in order to relax.

we divide up surfaces into those which shall be clear and others can be temporary sitting down spaces.

however, it’s never ok to be ‘in a mood’ in order to try and control behaviour. It just isn’t. I’m so sorry.

So his moods are your fault but not vice versa? Or even if how he treats you might have something to do with you being sad, it's important not to let him know? Feels like he's got you well trained. You sound like a nervous child talking about a strict father. He needs to learn that four people live in the house and not absolutely everything can revolve around his preferences and feelings at all times. "If you don't do exactly what I want, always, it shows you don't care about my feelings" is very, very manipulative.

"I have learnt..." your words. What has he learnt? That he can control you by his moods and you will accept the blame for everything. This is not a loving partnership.

I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.

What has he ‘learned’ to do to keep you happy? Or does he feel he doesn’t need to bc he’s a perfect twat individual?

Why must you stay on top of the laundry? Do you wash just your clothes?

Also - does he ever do hwk with your DC? Does he do it without putting anything on his precious fucking table?

You sound like he’s been training you to accommodate him and he’s got you pussyfooting around him to avoid his moods, which he uses to punish you.

Would he be able to keep the house spotless while looking after both your children’s you were away 3 days? I’m guessing no….
Maybe you should test this theory.

I 'm sorry but he sounds awful. You are conditioned to make sure everything is how he wants it but he can't express that he loves you. His feelings matter but yours don't.
Your poor kids too growing up putting his feelings and needs first. They will grow up with anxiety and it's his fault.
I don't mean to be horrible but he either gets the help you have suggested because it is his problem to sort or you separate because it won't be long before you dread him coming home if you don't already.

If he is made "really anxious" by a few books on a table, he DOES need to sort his problem out, and it's fine to tell him so. You can't be responsible for every feeling he has; he needs to learn to manage them himself.

Reading your responses makes me desperately sad. Walking on eggshells, everything's your fault, you feeling said about him not telling you he loves you but too afraid to say anything, you not THINKING he loves you! You don't seem to realise that none of these things are part of happy, healthy relationships.

@Periperinotsospicy take this advice. 👆🏻

Ignore his nonsense and don't engage with him over it. If he wants to act like a child then leave him to it.

Your poor children. Just think the effect this is having on them, the arguing, the sulking, the need to have everything so tidy. They can't verbalise their feelings or try to understand his behaviour as you can, but you can be sure it is affecting them.
If you both cannot get this sorted for each other do it for the sake of your children. Do not continue to plough on accepting this without some effort to resolve.

How does he cope at work? Does he act the same with his work colleagues if they leave a mess? Bet he doesn't because he knows he wouldn't get away with it. This isn't about a few books on a table it's about him actively trying to make you feel worthless.

You sound lovely. Far too nice to be living a life walking on eggshells. You’re not a doormat that he can wipe his feet one, I’d tell him to fook off and do it himself the grumpy shite.

He does get in low moods easily. And its usually my fault

This sentence sticks out.

His mood is controlled by him, not you. Please stop blaming yourself.

What do you love about him op?

@Periperinotsospicy

He sounds like he's knocked the spirit out of you. Listen to all these women telling you the same thing, Nice men do not make their partners and mothers of their children feel the way you do.

What do your family and close friends think of him? Because if they are telling you the same as on here, then it's a him problem, not a you problem.

And you say every single day I tidy a dozen surfaces up because I know it upsets you. That’s a dozen times a day I’m showing caring for your needs. I don’t feel like you could show the same once a month, that would be a huge step up to act like you care once a month. So it is bullshit to say it’s all about my feelings and my needs and I’m not tidying anything I don’t feel like up from now on so you can see how loved and cared for you’ve been by me while you’ve been non stop an uncaring jerk. Next week it will be all about my feelings and you can go jump for your bullshit gaslighting to try and shove me right back down in my box, I’m not your service human. I have feelings and if no one else in my marriage gives a shiny shit about them, then I have to. And stop. Stuff on the table every day. A few things on the floor. Something on the coffee table. That’s very normal in most houses.

Frankly, I think it's fair enough that he's not allowed to be upset about something as utterly trivial as a table with few books on it. He needs to get a sense of proportion. Tell him to get some treatment for his obsessions.

He is an asshole

you say you make me your punching bag, and as long as that continues then yes I am going to say sort yourself out, becayse you don’t get to treat me like that. Your low mood is not always my fault. I meant it, I’m done scrambling around tidying for you, for you to still blame me for everything. You need to get help so I’m not your punching bag. Love has kept me here but I don’t have to put up with this forever and it’s not fair on the kids to have a dad who gets mad about tiny things, they are getting older and I have their welfare to think about. Their welfare should be your top priority too, if it was you’d be getting help.

Time for you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online.

He's a controlling, miserable man who's looking for an excuse to make you and your kids feel like crap.

I know what I’d be doing with that new knife.

He can express being horrible and telling you that you aren't prioritising his needs, but he can't express that he loves you? That's irrational, unless the reason is that he doesn't, in which case you need to make plans to leave.