We have that repeatedly told to us from an early age, and from every angle, but @Periperinotsospicy I don't agree with it at all. I strongly believe that, that sentiment is just wrong, and that:
There are not always two sides.* *
I agree that on many occassions, maybe even on most occasions, there are at least two sides to any 'argument', in fact, there will often be three sides within a couple, which would be of couse, his side, her side, and then the truth.
From what you have already told us OP, I am quite certain that the vast majority of the time it is not you being at fault at all, your husband is making life miserable for you, and probably for your older DD as well, as I am sure that the both of you are doing the mental equivalent of 'walking around on egg shells' for far too much of the time.
Your husband is not being at all reasonable in either his demands, or his awful treatment of you. I have my own experience from when I was a child, of my father behaving in a similar fashion, and nearly 70 years later it still screws me up at times.
Since joining Mumsnet, I have come to believe that the occurance of fault is far more often than not, due to the failure of the male partner. So many women appear to have spent years trying to keep their husband/partner happy, and not cross with them, only to be cast aside when they find a new woman to 'tickle their fancy', and in the process of starting up a new relationship they seem to be able to discard their 'old/er' relationship without a backward glance.
My own first, and so far only, ex husband - I have a still present husband of 30+ years - left me for a female work colleague of his, shortly after we had had our 4th child together, actually within a matter of weeks of that wonderful event. I am convinced that my ex would not have left if he hadn't had another woman to go to!
In fact, it has become increasingly obvious to me, that most men need to have another woman, both ready and available, to give them the courage to exchange one well trained wife, for a new one, one who, in their eyes, will be fresh, and eager to learn and follow their husband's views of the right way for a wife to behave - sorry OP, I think it is your husband's nasty side that has prompted me to think in this rather alien way to how I normally would 🤭
In those seemingly, exponentially, occurring cases, I lay practically all the fault at the men's feet, and other - even more relevant - body parts...
I know that that is not what you are experiencing in your life, as your husband appears to not be looking outside of your marriage for any of his 'fun'. However, I am lucky enough to still be certain that my ex did love me a lot when we married, and actually pretty much until the day he started seeing his work colleague in a rather different light. So it makes me very sad knowing that you don't feel secure in that knowledge from your husband
Therefore, I can't help feeling that you are being very short changed by your husband, and I really hope that one day you can be truly honest with yourself when allotting blame for his behaviour within your family. Maybe that will be the day when you can give your husband the shock of his life, with a very serious ultimatum about a choice that he has to make, which would be something along the lines of, whether he wants to keep his family together, and if so, he will need to agree to see someone qualified in mental health, preferably combined with a course in anger management, or, whether he would prefer to split up with you, and leave the family home, and his children, while you would hopefully be granted day to day care and responsibility for your DDs.
I hope you don't mind me suggesting Peri, that it might be a good idea for you to get some professional help with your present lack of self worth, and to learn how to be more assertive, without changing your obviously lovely and loving character. 💐