AIBU to feel hurt that he cares more about a messy table than being together.

[Periperinotsospicy]

Husband came back after taking DD5 to his parents. I had had a lovely weekend with DD11 doing 11 year old things and just hanging out. He seems to have had a good weekend with DD5.
DH is a stickler for neatness. When ai met him I was quite relaxed about tidiness but I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible, stay on top of laundry etc. I've been doing this all weekend.
When he got back we were at the shops. There was an array of homework books on the table as we'd rushed off to get to shops before they closed. Nothing dirty. Just papers and books.
Now I know any mess on the kitchen table irritates him and he sees it as people not caring about what bother him.
I've missed him lots over the weekend.
Background. He is not one to tell me he loves me. I'm not sure he does but he tells me I'm being silly when I say that.

So my AIBU is around- he was in a mood when we got home. Fine with the kids but a bit off with me. I had bought a new knife (half price!) And he had a bit of a go about how we don't need a new knife. I hadn't bought anything else for myself. Dd11 had got some bits and pieces and I'd got some kids stuff for our summer holiday.

I feel like I'm just not good enough for him. That he just wants a reason to be mad with me. He doesn't notice what I do do just what I miss. I haven't seen him for 3 days and he's not happy to see me, just irritated.

He feels really upset that I left the table like that as it reflects my disregard for his feelings and I should have made sure it was tidy before he got back. That I think he's not allowed to be upset because it doesn't bother me.

Is this a nothing argument? Am I being stupid? I think I'm upset because his feeling about a not totally clear table exceed his feelings for being happy to see me.
This sounds so stupid written out.

How long would it have taken him to tidy the books and papers into a pile...seriously instead he chooses to be unpleasant...this is not ok. It's petty and controlling

I am going to be blunt:

He thinks that you loving him means that you have to do everything to make him happy.

He rwally does not care whether or not you are happy.

Is this what you think a loving relationship should look like @Periperinotsospicy ?

I would go so far as: He doesn't love you as a person, he loves what you provide, how you enhance his life and what you do for him.

Your feelings are immaterial to him.

Once you understanthe above then you will understand his behaviour and reactions.

He may be on the Spectrum - however that doesn't excuse his behaviour and his indifference to your feelings.

Sorry @Periperinotsospicy this is not going to change. You need to decide how (or indeed whether) you want to live with this issue?

Do you want your children to be so desensitised to this kind of behaviour that they are extremely likely to accept similar when first venturing into adult relationships? It will seem normal.

He can't compromise on this because of its stresses him out. And he think that my neglecting to tidy it shows I don't care about him.

Dear OP, you need to recognise this for what it is - controlling behaviour and call him out on it. He probably doesn’t realise he is doing it and how bad it makes you feel. You have modified your behaviour to accommodate him, if he loves you he will do the same.

He sounds very egocentric. He is only interested in his own needs and, from what you’ve said, fails to show empathy for you, or affection. These are very much core autistic traits. No matter what you say he will never consider your point of view above his own.

The thing is if you are irritated by your own daughter homework books on a table, so irritated that you have a face like a smacked arse, so irritated that you take that out on your wife and pontificate about your feelings you aren't exactly a joyful presence are you? In fact you're a bit up your own arse. How handy that he struggles with expressing his love. He doesn't have the same struggle expressing his irritation does he?

I can totally see his side - while not really thinking OP did anything wrong either. He has said it makes him feel like his opinion doesn't matter, that's valid. He's allowed to like having the table clear, and it sounds as though he's been pretty transparent and honest about why.

If I'd made it clear that an untidy table really bothered me and I came home to a messy one, I'd be hurt and annoyed too. Everyone saying it OP's home too and can't he just tidy it are basically saying OP can do what she likes and he just has to suck it up - that doesn't seem very balanced.

OP, I understand you saying that you try your best and I believe you - he's obviously got riled up about this and it's a sticking point where he sees it as a personal attack. But there has to be some middle ground - if he's generally OK with most other clutter occasionally but it's JUST the table then I'd be inclined to see it as valid (albeit expressed a bit childishly and you didn't do it maliciously).

The lack of affection is something that bothers you though, and it feels like you feel you can't express that to him.

I don't think he's autistic. I don't think he is consciously controlling. I genuinely don't think he is a bad or cruel person. He just can't see past his anxiety.

yes he can compromise. He can get help to feel less stressed.

if he loved you and wanted you to be happy, he could try to get help. Please please think of the effect that his behaviour will have on your children.

Jeez op stop pandering to this bullshit. All this angst over homework books left on a table?

He’s a controlling cunt and god knows what your poor dds are learning about relationships from this model - that when a man gets moody you have to comply like a good little wife? No mate.

Just because he has autistic ocd, doesn’t mean he gets to make life a misery for his family. Stop enabling this.

Speaking from experience his moods and nothing being good enough will just eventually bring you down to the point that you are as unhappy as he is and you will start to check out. After a while you will realise that it is futile trying manage his unrealistic needs and bad moods. It is exhausting, depressing and you will become numb to it and the love and care you feel for him right now will be eroded over time. You will also look back and bitterly regret that your children were part of this and you will feel guilty that they to had to spend their childhood tip toeing around dad's moods.

He has a go at you over books on a table, he has a go at you for buying a reduced knife, he isn't happy to see you after a weekend apart, he claims he can't express his feelings. Really? Fucking really?

He can express his feelings perfectly fine; as he expresses them everytime there's a book on the table or a sock on the floor. I dread to think what he does if you leave a spoon on the kitchen counter. The difference is, he doesn't want to express positive feelings because there aren't any. He can express his anger perfectly well and without hesitation.

OP, do you think you would be questioning if you are loved, if you were loved? I have lived with someone like this and got used to the fight or flight feeling when they come through the door or in the room. 'Oh shit, I didn't do this, I didn't do that, now he's going to be in a mood'. That is not what love looks like. That's what control and abuse looks like.

I wonder, do you think he sits there wondering if you love him? Do you think he sits there panicking that he has not fulfilled the things that matter to you? Does he race home to clear the table before you get back? I doubt it, as it is important to you for him to communicate his feelings of love to you for one, yet he can't muster up the energy to utter those three words.

You sound like a great, chilled person who just wants to live a happy life with her kids and be loved by her husband. So why not go find one that loves you?

And I don't know how to crawl back up it.

Please don’t ever crawl for a man. I have a fastidious one too and I’m much tidier for being with him. The difference is that he has never once given me a hard time over what he perceives to be a mess. He will tidy it or wash it up. And then we get on with our day. Bottom line: your partner should not be berating you x

Do you not think he’s being controlling?

It was homework books not like you took a massive dump on the table and didn’t clean it!!!

You talk a lot about how he feels and how you don’t feel good enough. Well, does he make YOU happy, is we worthy of YOU?

Maybe explore some counselling to build yourself up OP, sounds like he’s worn you down?

I have learnt to keep surfaces as clear as possible.
This Statement says it all. This sounds like you are scared of his reactions to mess. This is not normal behavior from him at all. You are probably all walking on eggshells all the time. Doesn't he reallise what this must be doing to the kids. They are probably very anxious of doing anything wrong and things being in the wrong place. I don't know how you have put up with this.

Have a google of covert narcissism as well as autism, there’s something very off in his treatment of you and the children. It’s not normal to feel as anxious as you are feeling about having to constantly keep the approval of your partner. What is a ‘low mood’ and does it involve making you feel like shit on his shoe? Also an apology but i’m still right is not an apology.

He sounds like a real dick.

A few books on a table isn't mess. If a few books on the table makes him anxious, he does indeed have a problem that needs addressing. Expecting his family to tiptoe around his mental health problems is not fair, your children need to grow up in a home where they don't have to be worried that a coat or a bag out of place is going to upset their dad. You need to stand firm on this, even if he's upset. He has a problem with anxiety, possibly OCD, and he needs to get some professional help.

Sounds like he's got you well trained. Your feelings are just as valid as his. You really don't have to put up with his bullying. Tell him to do one.

Thanks. I need views like this too.
The table is a particular bugbear. But the rest of the house is too. And that was tidy.
He's now emptying the dishwasher. Because he can't just sit down and relax.

Him being nasty to you about this shows he doesn’t care how you feel. His reaction stresses you out. Why do you have to compromise but he doesn’t?

If he cares so much about the table being cleared he can clear it right?

Or does it only make him happy when you do it?

I'm sorry but this IS controlling behaviour, whether he realises it or not.

You like views like this because it validates the behaviour so you can go back to living in the comfort of the denial that a) it’s not abusive and b) it’s not a terrible role model for your daughters.

God help them. They will grow up fawning over awful men because they think that’s ‘normal’.

This is a really helpful way of looking at it x