AIBU about the split of bills….

[Firemansspouse]

So last summer my OH moved in with me, it was earlier than we had planned as he had lost his job. He was renting a place and was running out of money fast.
I said that him and his daughter who lives with him full time could move in with me as it was on the cards down the line anyway.
I own my house, with a mortgage, no kids just me and the two cats.
we discussed finances and I said, that it would be fair for him to pay half towards the mortgage and bills , ie split everything down the middle. He did that.
11 months down the line he’s in the process of losing another job… we are talking senior manager jobs here.. but anyway…

he’s brought it up a few times recently that it’s unfair that I ask him to pay half of the bills and the mortgage… and that really he should just pay half the bills, as I’ve cannot afford to save and if we were to split up after say ten years he would of contributed to the property price which may have gone up by the. But would stand to gain nothing.
there are two things I wish to gain your thoughts on here….
aibu asking for half of all the house bills including mortgage?
if I was to go on bills only would it be unreasonable to ask for him to pay 2/3 of them as him and his daughter live here.
ny bills have gone up exponentially since they moved in.

any thoughts or insights to how you lovely bunch work it would be greatly appreciated as I feel like I’m being super unreasonable here whereas I didn’t think I was previously.
TIA

"He's paying half your mortgage"

Whose mortgage was he (fully) paying off before?

Why is it unfair? The landlord was giving him a place to live and wasn't giving him a cut; it's no different.

Never call it 'half the mortgage' call it 'rent'.

Yes to 2/3 of the bills.

He is free to move out though.

Ask him to pay all the bills. He and his daughter shouldn't be living rent free and would have to pay all the bills if they lived alone. You would charge a lodger rent so if he isn't comfortable paying you rent he should cover electricity, council tax, internet, gas, water and house insurance, instead of half of those bills plus rent.
On another note, if he started making me feel unreasonable about money I'd be more comfortable if he lived elsewhere.

Because if he's paying half of her mortgage, he could have a claim on her property if they split up.

It's nothing like a landlord/tenant arrangement.

It is a bit different. No tenancy agreement. She invited him in. She suggested the arrangement and is in a relationship with him.

I would move him out completely and let him pay his rent 100% then there’s no quibbling at all.

Exactly this. Stop calling it mortgage and call it rent. Job done, if he thinks it's too much he can leave and pay all his own bills.

This, but he should be paying some rent too. If he moves out he'll be paying all utilities plus rent. The fairness around paying 50% of your mortgage, very much depends on how much that is in real terms compared to the cost of renting locally. I don't think I'd position it as a mortgage share, but a nominal rent. Maybe look at the cost of lodgings locally, compare it to rent.

I would tell him, "well, if you think our arrangement is unfair, you're more than welcome to buy/rent your own place and move out of my house". See how fast his tune will change when he realises he'll have to pay more money towards his own mortgage/rent.

Also, you are one person, he comes as a package with his daughter, so uses more water, food, etc. than you do. So, in a way, you're somewhat subsiding him and his daughter, if anything.

He would pay rent to a landlord in a home he didn’t own.

He needs to pay for his expenses and that includes housing. You are just going to have to tell him to move out. A decent man wouldn’t balk at paying his share.

@Monty36 , She gets half her bills paid, half her mortgage paid but all the property.
She doesn't get half her bills paid. She gets half the bills for 3 people paid.

He should be paying you some rent, and 2/3 of the food and energy bills.

However

He sounds like a dick and I’d get rid.

Half the bills plus rent. Whether you use money classified as rent to pay the mortgage or buy a new frock is up to you.

Do get advice on how to ensure he doesn't have a claim on your house if/when you split up. And don't marry him, it doesn't sound like long term is something he does.

If he were renting he would have a room of his own, not sharing a bed with his landlord. He would have rights, a contract, a fair process that would need to be followed if landlord wants him out. It’s really not the same at all.

Anyone that kept bringing up how hard done by they were could move out.

Agree 2/3 of consumption costs (not fixed cost like council tax which should be 50/50) is appropriate - particularly if there is a 2nd daughter who stays too regularly. Work out how much your costs have increased to make sure it shouldnt be more than 2/3 - men eat a lot!
Agree with the risks of him contributing to your mortgage - change that to ‘rent’ and formalise the agreement.
As for the amount he should pay on top of 2/3 consumption costs and half fixed costs, I would look at the excess cost to you of him living there (eg no single person council tax discount) and how much it would cost him to rent an appropriate property elsewhere and determine a ‘fair’ amount. I would say you should both be roughly the same amount better off of living together - perhaps you less as you build the asset of your home on top). The max I would charge though would be the cost to me of him living there plus half the cost of my mortgage. I would not want to make a profit off him.
If he doesn’t like it, suggest he moves out.

I mean how about he's just paying £800 rent and bills to you for him and his daughter and you are just happening to use that money to pay your mortgage? How is it different from him paying way more in rent to a private landlord who is using that rent money to pay their mortgage?
He sounds bloody cheeky!

He pays half the bills. I have no idea how old his daughter is. She might be a child. I assume she is.
But he is paying what she asked him to. She did not ask for two thirds of the bills to be paid.
She pays half of the total cost of bills, he pays the other half.

Personally to protect my asset I would just ask for money for bills - no rent or mortgage share - and it’s not unreasonable he pays a greater share of bills given his child is also there. If he wasn’t there you would be paying 100% mortgage so you are blurring things by getting him pay half and opening yourself up to a claim on your property

You should get legal advice and a proper cohabitation agreement and make a will to say what would happen if you died especially as there is a child involved

He's not named in the mortgage and she was paying it fully before so i cant see how he can prove he was paying towards the mortgage specifically. She can also set up a cohabitation agreement.

The point isn't in the detail at this stage, it's in the principle: he doesnt think its fair for him to pay for a roof over his and his kids head. A man like that is not a man to move in.

So go do that? Why do men think they are doing us a favour by moving in?

You're missing the part where she invited him in under a specific set of agreed criteria:

"we discussed finances and I said, that it would be fair for him to pay half towards the mortgage and bills , ie split everything down the middle. He did that."

My rule of thumb is that both parties should benefit financially. So, if, for example, he's paying you £800, What does this mean for respective savings?

For example, was he previously paying £1200 and so he's now saving £400 - that's great.
Meanwhile, how much are YOU saving by having him in your house paying this £800? Let's assume your bills haev gone up a bit, but this is offset by the £800 he's paying you? So you're saving £600.

Then, based on respective earnings, is this fair? That's the bit to look at. I'd be inclined to suggest the actual savings should be similar, nom atter what you're both paying.

No I am not missing that at all. But the idea that their circumstances are as landlord and tenant are really not so. Not by a long margin.

Personally, I'd be mortified to charge a partner rent. I'm not running a lodging house. The property and mortgage predate the relationship, and if I've invited someone to live with me because I want them there, charging them rent feels oddly transactional.