AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

I have a painful memory of being forgotten about on a clash with a special occasion, I told my family I was OK with it, but in reality I sat at home alone drinking red wine and feeling awful, I was older than 14 (hence the wine) but even if he appears to be OK with it, he may feel differently inside.

At least you’ve got that sorted. He sounds a bit like my son , winding people up at school was his speciality, he’s 6ft 5 and used to pinch his mates shoes and put them on the ceiling lights at school so no one could get them down without a chair, amongst other things , all pretty harmless stuff , but annoying all the same. He’s now 28 and the best son I could ever ask for , they grow out of it eventually , but stick to your guns. Well done for sorting it out

If you've been happily doing things on different weekends for five/six years then this feels really deliberate from your husband.

How does he feel about your son's behaviour? Does he by any chance think you're too soft and this is his way of forcing a harsher punishment?

(I'm not saying he's right btw!)

That made me laugh so true and funny

As a fellow parent of a school refuser, well done on getting him to college. That's amazing progress and I can't imagine it has been easy for you.
There must be a reason for his change in behaviour though - maybe SEN, maybe just teenage hormones, but he's going through something. I think the worst thing you could do is go away on his birthday weekend and make him feel rejected. I would be staying at home, and I would be explaining to DH that for the next few years my priority is making DS feel loved and supported to help him through college.

And b-r-e-a-t-h-e. Poor you ; this all sounds super stressful. And it sounds too as if you have a habit of putting other people’s needs before your own. Which often makes it difficult to please everyone AND to know what you want. If you allow yourself a quiet moment perhaps you might sit and tune into what you want most here. From reading your post it’s clear that you want to be there for your son. Birthdays matter to you and being there probably feels right deep down inside the marrow of your bones where it matters. And then explain clearly and kindly to your partner how much he means to you , how much you appreciate and love him and how in this situation you want to stay home. That for you might be the nicest anniversary present he could give you.

This is our 3rd anniversary. I think he just got caught up with the last min deal when he was on the phone with the woman and paid for it thinking he was doing something nice without thinking about my son much at all really.

Sorry, I thought you said you got married during COVID.

That's a bit sad for someone who, as you say, has effectively brought him up. I'd be having serious words with DH if it were me.

Glad you've got a resolution anyway!

I'm glad you have a solution and you have a good weekend away.

I know 99% of people on here have jumped on you and on your son for his behaviour. However, as a parent of an autistic child who had a breakdown in year 10 due to how overwhelming school was for them, I'm concerned about him.

• A significant behaviour change in the last 6 months.
• A falling out with their dad so they are now not speaking.

It might just be a rebellious teen but I'd keep an eye on him for something more complex going on.

Well done getting him into a 14 - 16 college. That's generally not an easy thing to do as places are so limited and sought after. Im assuming his behaviour has been pretty full on to have got a college place or perhaps you're just in a good area for places being available. Hopefully it will be better for him.

WHY are you allowing this brat to have so much say? He is 14, a child. He comes with and that’s end of. His behaviour is bad because you seem to pander to him so much. His birthday is Sunday so he can very well STFU and go for 2 days and be home for Sunday. Seriously you have made this a problem.

I wouldn’t be allowing a sleepover at your mums the following week - where are the consequences?

If that’s a step dad, you’ve chosen him over your own son. Fair enough to cancel the party but spend his birthday with him.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. He’s come along. Got him a lovely personalised cookie. We have been in the hot tub. Played this family card game, done giant jenga, toasted marshmallows and now tucked up in bed. It’s been lovely. All worked out for the best I think!

Glad it's worked out, a bit of quality phone/TV free family time can be just what's needed sometimes.

Thanks! Isn’t it funny how now that it turned out positive yours is the only nice comment lol 😂 MN loves a bit of mum shaming! X

We just stayed in a pod that looked really like this, it was soooo nice! Like the best of camping with none of inconveniences 😂 glad you’re having a good time!