AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

I would have cancelled the party and 3 day ridiculousness for sure, but can’t ever imagine a scenario where I’d go off on holiday over my kid’s birthday date.

^This

Is your DH his father. If he is that would go a little way to explaining why he is misbehaving. It does not read like he is a priority for your DH planning a getaway for his birthday.

you said ‘absolutely not’ to your husband and he booked it anyway???

regardless of your issues with your son it sounds like you also have DH issues. Assuming he’s not your son’s dad but this is till very off to me. Seems a bit weird you’d also get married around your son’s birthday. You must know your anniversary falls on his birthday weekend other years. What’s been discussed in the past about it.

shes allowed to have a weekend party for her kid - what's the issue?

sounds like a fab time

Sorry but at 14 he doesn’t get to choose, he’ll have to go. My eldest is of a similar age and there are some things that are negotiable and other things that are not…
I wouldn’t be happy with my husband booking something when I had so no either but the only way to save this without losing money and leaving your child on his birthday is that he has to go.
He might be stroppy to begin with but to be frank you’re his parent and if you don’t get a handle on behaviour and expectations at 14 you stand no chance when he’s older.

People are like detectives trying to dig up stuff to throw at you! Someone asked me where my other kids are due to my name. So I told them. Now it’s turned into a debate about my step daughter when there’s no issue. Like I said mind your business and get on with your day Sherlock

Have you not read the post?

He is exhibiting a pattern of terrible behaviour. His actions have consequences, as he is finding out.

He doesn't deserve his birthday this year. Simple as that.

Yeah, I don't like this part. I think it is fair enough to go away on his birthday if you want to and he is ok with celebrating another time but you seem to have specifically said to your husband that you didn't want to go away with him that weekend over your son's birthday and he booked it anyway. I wouldn't be going for that reason - I wouldn't like my DH completely ignoring what I said I would like to do

As explained above, our wedding got cancelled 3 x due to Covid and we had limited dates to choose from. This wasn’t ybthe original date we planned. Thanks

‘Sherlock’? Because I gave an opinion about information you offered, like multiple other people on here. Hardly dragging stuff up!

The anniversary date is mid week so could have been celebrated the weekend before the child's birthday anyway. It seems like a deliberate kick from the husband, especially as he went and booked it after you said no to try and force your hand.

Incredibly rude. I literally commented on the thing you were talking about, not detective work required. You’ve talked about several other things your OP wasn’t about, like explaining your wedding date multiple times (and no I didn’t comment on that), how am I suppose to know what you actually don’t want to talk about? Again if you are posting about something and discussing it openly it’s reasonable to expect comments on it!

So even before the bad behaviour and cancelled party he wanted to go away on your son’s birthday weekend? It’s weird that he’d even suggest that, surely he’d know that you’d be spending the weekend with your son? I can’t imagine my husband ever suggesting we go away on our own over one of our kid’s birthdays.

No actually, I didn't read the post. What I do is, I close my eyes and then randomly jab my finger at a post and then comment on it without looking. Any relevance to the OP's problem is just sheer coincidence.

🙄

There's a big difference between cancelling a birthday party and saying he doesn't deserve his birthday at all. The latter is a fast route to a damaged relationship.

😂😂

A birthday isn’t something you earn, it’s just something that happens every year by virtue of you having been born.
Absolutely fair enough that his party has been cancelled due to his behaviour. It’s still his birthday though. Regardless of my children’s behaviour, I wouldn’t go away on the day of their birthday unless it absolutely couldn’t be helped.

That's really awful to even consider going away on your son's birthday, even if you'd be back late morning, before he's up.
It's also awful trying to force him to go with.
Why can't you go away another weekend? Your told your husband no, but he completely ignored you.
You told your son no to a party, he also completely ignored you and tried to arrange it at nans.
I'd feel so invisible and sad if everyone disrespected me constantly.

I assume your husband is not the father of your son?

I completely agree the party should have been cancelled but I wouldn't go away on my child's birthday. In fact, I wouldn't have got married around my child's birthday as you know it'll always clash but there we are.

I'm sure you think you're very funny and that you're joking, but actually, you might be on to something there. At best, you're deliberately pretending to miss the point.

If this does become a damaged relationship - engage your brain if you can, and work with me here - then the damaged relationship would have been caused by what?

That's right, well done! The son's bad behaviour.

Do you understand this now? Or do you want to do a bit more random finger jabbing?

Did I say she wasn’t allowed?

I’ve told you it’s not for debate so back the F off

I do I’ve got a migraine with it all. It’s ruined 2 special occasions that should have been nice to celebrate

You don’t think the parent (an adult) takes on a responsibility when having children to try and manage their child’s behaviour in a way that doesn’t risk alienating them completely?

Where is your son’s dad in all this? Can he see him over the weekend?

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. He says he isn't bothered but 14 year olds often appear to be less concerned than they really are m it's probably bravado for show. He won't forget that he cancelled his party and then went away for the weekend.
I do think the celebrations you have had in the past have been very over the top though and unnecessary.
Also is your husband his father?