AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

Why on earth have you done such huge expensive birthdays when he’s so poorly behaved?
You have set an unnecessary precedent
If your DS is with his grandma then that’s fine

Your son doesnt sound fussed!

He’s 14, not 4. A one off won’t hurt.

Gentle parenting of teenager can only get you so far. Sometimes you have to slap them in the face with a wet fish.

Are you away just the one night? I think he needs to start learning that his actions have consequences.

This, indulging him only reinforces he can do what he likes.also if he is college age then he is a young adult isn't he? You are allowed to have a life even in his birthday he doesn't seem bothered he is staying at his grans he is fine.

Go careful he doesn’t have a house party whilst you are away. Do you trust he will 💯 be at your mums?
but in answer to your Q - go away with husband.

So in your Son’s 14 year old head, you’ve cancelled his party and coincidentally are now going away for the weekend instead.
No wonder he is playing up.

I would have cancelled the party and 3 day ridiculousness for sure, but can’t ever imagine a scenario where I’d go off on holiday over my kid’s birthday date.
Personally I would have made a nice dinner or gone out for a meal at their favourite place instead.
He knew the consequences of bad behaviour were to lose the party which is fair enough, but not being left all alone on his Birthday as well!
Thank goodness your Mum stepped in.

Sounds like your husband is not your son's father. Is that right? It would influence my response.

Well I wouldn't have gone away after already cancelling the celebration no

I wouldn't do this personally. The consequence has now changed from "you don't get your party on your birthday" to "you don't get to see us/be in your own home on your birthday."

The bad behaviour has only started the last 6months I’d say. So previous years was no issues

I can see why you are feeling bad, you haven’t sought help for parenting skills, cancelled his party and then are going on holiday.

I wouldn’t go away on his birthday. It’s one thing cancelling the party but I wouldn’t want him to be on his own.

its his birthday Sunday so I’ll be here for his birthday. Have a cake presents balloons etc and taking him for a meal. All the same as planned just no sleepover/ party due to behaviour

Is your DH his dad?
I wouldn't be going away on his birthday and I would be cross if my DH put me in that position about choosing between him and son.
it sounds like your son needs consistency and not continuous knee jerk changes of plan.
u would have stood by your decision on the party but then been at home to support him through the emotions which come through the loss of the party and the potential reflection opportunities it might bring.
cancelling it and going away may appear like you never cared and only wanted to save money/effort yourself.
i don't think the current plan sounds too bad, but are you sure he doesn't feel pushed out to grandmas, will grandma hold the boundaries as you wanted, will you going away still ultimately cause resentment.
it feels like a big risk to me, and will you enjoy the time away with these concerns in your mind?
altternatively if everyone is happy with the plan, maybe doing things differently and taking some time out is a valuable break you all need, but I would think long and hard about what you want and what you feel your son needs before making your final decision.

I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son

Your username is MumOf4totstoteens. Where do the others fit into this?

No way would I go away on a jolly on my son's birthday. I can't believe your DH just jumped at the opportunity the moment you cancelled the party, what, he couldn't wait another week or do it the week before? Nasty and thoughtless.

My practical concerns would be - have you kicked the can along to Grandma? When he says he’s having a sleepover there, just him? Or him and mates? I’d be double checking that Grandma hasn’t been scammed here.
And how will you ensure that him and mates don’t party along in your empty house.
I probably wouldn’t have gone away over a dc’s birthday.

And I don’t feel that one-off ‘big’ punishments such as this lead to long term improvements in teenagers. They may work with younger dc but often with teenagers you are looking for a negotiated settlement.

14 is not a young adult.

You told your husband no, because you wanted to spend the weekend with your son regardless of the party situation but then when you confirmed there would be no party, your husband just went and booked a weekend away anyway? No. I would not be going. Utterly selfish.

What about your other kids? Where are they?

is your husband his father?

Exactly this. It’s one thing not to hold a really expensive party for him. It’s another entirely to then disappear on holiday on his birthday. Of course he “doesn’t seem fussed” - that’s classic teenage boy hiding just how hurt he is. 14 is actually still quite little emotionally.

And what of earth was your DH (let me guess - not your son’s father?) doing booking something that weekend, whether you are having a party or not? Why on earth not the weekend before or after? Really doesn’t matter to adults when you celebrate an anniversary. Really doesn’t matter to a young teen if mum would rather be off having her own fun on his birthday.

I would have gone away a different weekend personally. But I don’t think you are doing him any harm.