AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

And yes I still think it's really poor on your husband's part

She isn’t planning to leave him home alone

What’s the point in getting angry about something that’s not happening though?! Teens make all sorts of plans in their head with no permission, no money, no way of getting there etc and then adults bring them back down to reality right?!

No way would I even consider going away without him on his birthday. I get taking away the party, but a child misbehaving needs more of your time not less. It really wouldn't help the situation to go off with your husband without him.

Where did she say she will leave him home alone? And she has already addresses DH is step dad.

OP just take him with you, if he want’s to be miserable than thats on him. I think if his school refusal has only started happening in the last 6 months try to find out the reason for that.

"persuade" him to go with you?

That's your problem right there. He's a child who should be told what's going to happen.

Son comes before husband. Everytime. Husband has done it on purpose knowing exactly the position he is putting you in. His behaviour is worse than your sons as he is an adult.

I can. It literally just happened and I wanted to process it before I confront him. He’s at work this morning left at 5am before I woke up and I was too exhausted last night to even think about it all

I would absolutely not be going on this weekend away on the principle of it, let your husband take your 4 year old, if he is so desperate for a holiday.

Cancelling his party, absolutely fine, going on holiday and leaving him alone for the weekend, absolutely not okay, for various reasons.

So everyone is just doing whatever the hell they want, and you're just tagging along?

Husband books holiday even though you don't want to leave your son.

You cancel birthday celebration, so son sets himself up at grandma's instead.

Just stand firm with both and say no.

Husband, I told you not to book amd you did, so see you when you return.

Son, there will be no sleepover at grandma.

*ETA I see grandma has cancelled the sleepover, so that's one job done.

It's only not happening because your mum is ill. What are the consequences for him going behind your back like this?
In answer to your OP with this additional info, I absolutely wouldn't be going. I'd be at home making sure my 14yo had an incredibly uneventful and dull Friday and Saturday.

Yes I’m on it with the school thing. He’s 14 but we have managed to get him into an engineering technical college. Hoping this goes better for him.

He’s 14 so gets no say. It may be his birthday but he’s misbehaving and truanting which could impact his future. You made a threat months ago, you now must stick to it and that is only fair and right. He should come on the weekend away and shouldn’t get a choice.

Your DH needs to understand that he’s messed up here.

by booking the weekend away, he’s given your son the opportunity to complain that this is what you wanted all along.

you’re now stuck with the choice of sending him to stay elsewhere on his birthday weekend while you, DH and your youngest go away somewhere nice.

or he goes with you and will probably be miserable the whole time at bring away from his mates and having to spend time with parents and a tot. Logically, he doesn’t deserve better but I suspect the reality is that the mood of the whole weekend could potentially be pretty tense.

your DH caused this.

Unless hes far enough away that he can’t get back home there’s going to be a party chez op tonight if he’s left 🤣🤣🤣. Source. Former parent of teens who se now functioning adults and upstanding members if society.

Yes this is where my head is at too. Thanks

Best of luck!

Multiple people have told you she’s not leaving him
home alone, so why keep posting this?

Is your DH is dad?

No step dad. Brought him up for the last 13yrs. They get on well. Son likes him better than me most of the time. They go to the gym together etc most nights

I don’t understand what you’re even asking. You seem determined to go so why even make the post. You told your husband not to book it and he did. I don’t understand why at that point you didn’t just say “why have you done that? I told you I can’t go”. And then…not go.

And apparently you told your son no sleepover with his friends and he tried to arrange one at his nanna’s?? And there’s no consequence for that, you’re still taking him out on Sunday? That makes no sense.

Pretty much everyone has said don’t go and you still seem set on it so go for your life I guess?!

I’m asking for advice, as a sounding board to process before making a decision. Isn’t that obvious?!

I am dyslexic and have slow language processing speeds. It takes me a long time to type and correct errors for a start.

secondly, her follow up said her mum can’t keep him and it’s my honestly held belief that unless he’s far enough away not to be able to get home, then he will try to have a party coz he's miffed that his big party has been cancelled.

call me cynical but I’ve had teens.

Jeez, climb down.

There are multiple different ways to deal with this situation, based on several different factors / potential outcomes, some of which she can't deal with right now because the relevant people aren't contactable.

She's asking for advice, there's no need to take it so personally.

Your son seems very comfortable going behind your back and assuming he can override your decisions.

Your DH also ignores what you explicitly say you want and does what he wants anyway.

I wonder if some of your son’s behaviour is learned from your DH?