AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

So the anniversary treat can be rearranged as that’s passed. The birthday is still to come.

I am a difficult person I expect especially when it comes to my son but if this had been done to me by my DH I would leave him at home and go with just my son and spoilt him rotten and find something there he will want to do. A special day for him and you.

love this !

This is my worst fear. At the end of the day, we all just try our best to parent and none of us get it right 100% of the time. I know I’m no where near perfect but that’s why I’m asking for advice here. I’m so sorry to hear you went through that. It’s awful how our childhood memories stick with us. I think this generation of parents at least TRY to understand our teens and get it right as much as we can.

I’ve not voted as the person being unreasonable I’d your husband not you.

I’m also not impressed your DH has booked to go away while his daughter is doing her GCSEs. I fully accept she’s probably with her mum and shouldn’t need mum or dad to do studying but it’s the showing your child you’re there for them at what is a pretty pressured time for them.

I think this is the key point. I know you said you weren't going to be away for his birthday but you would have been away in the morning, and as much as that may not matter if he's not awake etc he will latch onto that part and remember it. It may be unfair but that's just teens ime - the stand out memory won't be "my mum took me to a steak restaurant and bought me a nice gift," it will be "my mum buggered off with her husband and left me to wake up at my Nana's on my birthday." I'm not saying you have to pander to him! But your presence on his birthday - for me that's a non-negotiable.

We took her out for lunch last week and she got upset and asked to go home as she was worried she was missing revision time! She definitely won’t be bothered

yeah I would never do that. The options are he comes with me or I come home on the Saturday night

Of course she won’t want to go for lunch in the middle of gcse revision!

I wouldn’t do this. It’s like a double punishment. You said he couldn’t have the party but on top of that you’re fucking off for the weekend.

At 14 I would have been upset if my Mum and Dad went away. It’s a bit different if you had an important event like a family wedding or funeral, but your DH only booked it last minute. But mean I think.

She said she did but then I think we were taking too long. We were only out 1.5hrs and she needs to eat right? But yeah no way she would want us fussing round her all weekend whether that was here or on holiday.

You’re missing my point. It’s not about whether or not they are bothered. It’s about the message you’re giving them about how they matter to you. If she got upset about missing studying time then it’s all the more important that those who are supposed to love her the most are there.

And on that logic, as your first post said your son wasn’t bothered, why your post and this angst?

It’s worrying that he doesn’t understand that whilst she obviously won’t want to go out for lunch, she does still need him around and available. Neither of you seem to understand teenagers based on what you’ve posted on here. They need you to just be around more than they did when they were tiny, even though they don’t tell you that.

This!

Is that true though? He was told if his behaviour didn't improve, he wouldn't get a party.

His behaviour didn't improve, so he doesn't get a party.

His parents deserve a celebration of their marriage, why shouldn't they go away?

Because it's his birthday?

You made it clear to your DS about him not attending school and what would happen so he knew that there would be consequences.
He's 14 old enough to understand he didn't attended school, so you're sticking to what you said.

DC given speel by their parents that then don't follow through are the one's in life that go on to think they're the big I am, untouchable, the consequences are not for me type.
Then parents wonder why they've lost control of their kids.

You and your DH shouldn't suffer and lose your break away, just take him away with you.

Remind him once again when home that school is non negotional, not attending will bring consequences which will be followed through with, and leave it at that.

Fuck it just say you’re coming with us I’m sorry you’re not happy but you’ve had lots of great birthdays organised by me and I don’t remember any thank yous. Now I’m celebrating dh and my anniversary and you can come too. He’s a kid and he’s been misbehaving, he isn’t in charge.

Why do you need to do all that for him and his friends? I feel like most 14 year olds wouldn’t want to be catered to that much.

Be around where though? Stood outside my husband ex’s house like a weirdo? Of course we are there for her! We will be 45mins down the road should there be a situation where she wants/ needs my husband and she won’t even know we are gone! I asked for advice one this one specific issue with my son. My step daughter or my other children are NOT up for debate unless I ask, so mind your own business!

They love it! Go on about it all year!

You mentioned that the ‘bad behaviour’ started around 6 months. This suggests that something is not ok. My DD is 12 and I cannot imagine going away on her birthday even though she may well prefer to be with her friends. I don’t think this is the time to go away. If he’s not ok, this isn’t going to help. Sorry as I know your between a rock and a hard place.

i know what’s not ok. He’s struggling academically at school annd is going through puberty and we have addressed this.

what’s wrong with your husband, you told him no with good reason, and he booked anyway. Making you feel you are stuck in the middle. You aren’t stuck, you are choosing to be.

That’s the biggest issue here. I certainly wouldn’t be going along with plans forced on me like this. Find something for you and your son to do together for his birthday, ignore the manipulative stepfather and deal with that later.

That’s not how open forums work. Don’t provide information you don’t want opinions on and then be so rude about it.