AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

No, he just told me about it this morning any my mum has told me she’s not ok with this. He’s just planned it himself without asking anyone. Teens for you. It’s not going ahead now anyway.

It did read a bit odd when you said this OP...

Sorry but there is no way i would be away for my sons birthday (Same age as your son) We get up and do presents in the morning and then something they want to do bowling, arcade, doesn't have to be expensive... No way would i be away, he will remember in years to come that you abandoned him for a weekend away. I would take him away with me and take his presents too.

No wonder he’s badly behaved. No options should be given. He goes away with you for the weekend. He’s 14.

We go tonight. It’s like a 45min drive from my house so will be back Sunday morning hours before he even wakes up BUT im going to bring him anyway I think.

I really think this is awful. Your husband should never have booked this and I definitely wouldn't go.

Well you have to surely? Where else would he stay?

So your son will wake up on his birthday morning without you there, because you’re off celebrating with your DH? Feels like an additional punishment. I am fairly sure that you won’t see any improvement in his behaviour after the weekend. This will just push him further away.

My mums, his other nanas or his dads

Agree. You'd already told your DH you didn't want to go away on your son's birthday weekend.
I'd go away a different weekend.
DH seems like he's jealous of your son.

Either he wants to come with me, or I won’t go. It’s the one day I like to make all about that one child. If my husband wants to go he will have to take our daughter on his own. Or I suppose I could go tonight and come home Saturday and leave them there. This has all just happened at 6pm last night anfter I’d been ant work for 10hrs straight and then discussion before school today so I’m just using this as a sounding board to decide what to do.

Why can’t you stand up to your DH and say no?

He can’t go to your mums she isnt well?

She’s ok to have him, just not all his friends for a sleepover.

He went straight to your Mum and rearranged his birthday sleepover at her house? And she agreed without consulting you? (Because otherwise the confusion over the date would have been cleared up)

Meanwhile your DH arranged stuff when you had said no.

Do you have any agency in your household?

Take him with you.

He will probably be moody and difficult but your DH will just have to put up with it.

Then turn your attention to your Ds and get him back on track. Get your Mum on board. He is 14, he doesn’t ‘arrange sleepovers’ at your Mum’s without your say so. He gets attention, quality time (he’s at a tricky age: he needs to know it’s ok to grow up and not be your youngest child ) . Find out why he doesn’t attend college. Etc.

he proposed the idea to me and I said we will discuss it when I’m home but the woman wanted it paying for as it was a last minute cancellation so he just paid it. Now I’m in this predicament!

So it is actually your DH who has put you in this predicament.
If he hadn't booked the trip away, you would be able to deal with your son in whatever way you think is best.

Tell DH to re-arrange the weekend. If he loses money, that is his fault, and it will teach him not to book stuff when you have said you want to discuss it first.

Your DH is being an absolute arse putting you in this position. He thinks he is doing a nice thing, but actually it is all for his benefit, it is what he wants to do, regardless of whether it suits you or not. He wanted to be the big hero and treat you, without thinking about what was best for you or your son.

Your predicament is entirely your DH's fault.
Don't let him ignore you and ride roughshod over you again.

He can’t go to your mums, she said no. Either he goes with you or you don’t go, any other choice is
rubbish

He asked her and she assumed he meant next week and would have likely discussed it with me first. She’s said no to this weekend as she’s not well and doesn’t want a load of teenage lads round, but is happy for him to stay on his own. We like like 5 mins away and all my older kids are always welcome there.

He will be having a party Saturday night, he's already gone behind your back to move it to your mums, he'll have no problem having it at home if there is no one there to say no.

Your husband is a dick.

No, that's not just teens. You have given him a clear consequence and he's just gone around it! I can't believe how passive you are about this tbh.

The impression I get from the thread is that even though OP wouldn't have chosen the weekend away, now it's booked she's actually fairly happy to go, even though it's her son's birthday on the Sunday

So she doesn't want to say anything to her husband

It’s his birthday Sunday I’d be back then but I’m going to either take him with me or come back Saturday night

I have had badly behaved teens and been in this predicament with do I cancel something so everyone suffers.

You are going to have to go aren't you. You are also going to have to be extra nice to your son to hope you all get a nice weekend. Well done Hubby.

It would have been easier to have his birthday party at this stage.

There is somethung wrong with the set up of your house and unless you start putting your foot down your son and hubby are going to run rings around you.

Your husband doesn't much like your son FYI. You won't agree with me now. You will in a few years when you are divorcing him.

I read this as him not being welcome at all.

So party at yours tonight then