AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

I'm guessing DH isn't his Dad as he's not fussed about being home that weekend/?

But obviously he ‘wouldn’t seem fussed’ 14 year olds don’t tell you how they feel all the time. He’s not going to tell you if he’s upset about this

my eldest is 18 and is on her own holiday at present. My step daughter is 16 and doing her GCSEs so will be at home revising with her mum and tutor. Our 4yr old is coming with us.

He can’t have a sleepover because of his behaviour but he’s still having a sleepover at his grandmas? Baffling.

Yes! I think this is why I’m so anxious about it because I can’t please everyone!

The OP clearly says that his birthday is on Sunday and on Sunday she is taking him to steak restaurant. Is it possible that people could read the post before deciding that she is leaving him alone on his birthday? She is simply cancelling the sleepover which he does not seemed bothered about in the slightest.

Your husband is the one behaving badly now though, no means no. It’s obvious he’s not your DSs father.

UPDATE… my mum has just text me and said she’s not well and certainly won’t be having him and his friends over. He had asked her but she thought he ment next week.

now I feel the only option is to persuade my son to come with us? It’s a really nice place and I could take all his birthday stuff with us.

Did your husband really just jump at the chance straight off because there wasn't going to be a party? Without you saying yes?

No he’s not. We met when my son was 1 though so he’s brought him up

Your husband’s been a dick here. Why on earth did he ignore what you said about wanting to be at home on your son’s birthday weekend?

Well you can’t leave him with your mum and you can’t leave him at home alone. So either he comes with you, or you stay home.

And she’s away the Saturday night, so half of Sunday at least. People are reading it just fine

Well your only options are cancel or take him With you I guess

Yes - I was at work and he proposed the idea to me and I said we will discuss it when I’m home but the woman wanted it paying for as it was a last minute cancellation so he just paid it. Now I’m in this predicament! Had my son of gone to school on time this week, I had all intentions of the party, but because he hasn’t, that’s why I’ve cancelled it last min. It was his very last chance this week to prove he deserved it and he knew that.

That’s less bad. I think I’d probably still go another w/e though. Feel a bit unnecessary to go in his birthday w/e.

ETA you're right. OP has no handle on either her son or her husband 🤔

Yes so cancel, loose the money and we all stay at home miserable, or take him with us and try and make the best of it. Because of his age, he just wants to be with his pals which I get, but he hasn’t shown me behaviour that he’s deserving of this freedom

I wouldn't be doing a big 3 day party (that's a bit OTT in my opinion really) but I wouldn't be away for his birthday. You say you'll be back on the Sunday but I'm assuming that's going to be pretty late in the day if you're away Saturday night.

I'd also be interested to see if your DH is his father. I'm guessing not because his priorities are your anniversary not your son.

What's triggered this bad behaviour? Does he give a reason for not going in? If it's willful defiance and bad deliberate bad behaviour then obviously you need to stand firm with punishments. However, many school non attenders are genuinely not coping with the school environment and need support. It's not bad behaviour, it's a child in crisis. Which scenario is it for your son?

Anyway, the post seems a bit late now as you're already going away.

So you cancelled his birthday sleepover and he just moved the sleepover to a different house? And you were ok with that? What sort of punishment is that?!

He’s not now she’s not well. Also the thing I do every year is more than just a sleepover it’s like a garden party/ festival type vibe with a day out to a water park on a lake

You can’t leave a 14 year old home alone!

Also it’s dead obvious your DH isnt his father

Why would you all be miserable?

Sounds like you’ve decided regardless, and at least now you’ll be with him for his whole birthday

Well surely your husband is in the wrong then.

Your OP says you told him you wanted to spend the weekend with your son. You hadn't said yes to him booking this thing. Your husband knew about the problematic timing but he did this.
Do you think he was wrong to book it in these circumstances?

So instead of his birthday treat he will be coming away with you on your anniversary trip? This is all so stupid