AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

What a load of rubbish! 🤣🤣🤣

OP said that she’d be back home on Sunday morning, so she’ll be home for his birthday tea and presents.

Some parents really do molly coddle their kids so it’s hardly surprising that some kids are ungrateful and poorly behaved.

Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.

He’s 14, his planned party has been cancelled by his Mum and she is now going away with his Step Dad at the exact same time his party was aupposdd we to take place.

You couldn’t blame him for thinking there’s a connection there and the party was cancelled so she could go away instead. I would certainly think that at his age.

Yes I think you’re right. I think he would be upset really. No he’s not his dad. I go OTT for all their birthdays it’s my “thing” because we have 4, I like their birthdays to be special and just about them.

Behaviour aside (and these parties you’ve been doing sound ridiculous), I wouldn’t go away alone and miss my dc’s birthdays. You can go away next weekend. The hot tub will always be there. Surely, your wedding anniversary and son’s birthday have always been the same weekend? Either he was born on your anniversary or you chose to get married on his birthday? So how have you not worked out a realistic solution to this problem in 14 years?

I wouldn’t miss my child’s birthday even if their behaviour was poor. Also he’s 14, it’s your job to make sure he’s in school. I have a 13 year old. I’d be dropping her at the gate if she was a pickle about going in. Her attendance is my responsibility as a parent. It sounds like YOU need to stop getting distracted with bell tents and hot tub weekends and focus on sorting out your ds. It’s not going to get easier.

But no, Dh and I would never go away and miss the dc’s birthdays, no matter how shitty they were acting.

So you'd be fine with actively damaging your relationship with your son as long as "he started it"?

I had hoped that most adults were a bit more mature than that, but judging by the calibre of that response, maybe not.

Its clear how stressed this is making you from your posts OP.

I commented previously - you need to make it clear to your DH and DS how their selfish, unthinking behaviour has affected you this weekend.

The birthday didn't need to be cancelled if DS hadn't been acting up.
The anniversary could have been fully enjoyed if DH had taken 10 seconds to consider that it's one of the kids birthdays.
Yet here you are with the migraine from it all.

You are not a side character in the DS or DH show. You have feelings & needs and there are things you would like to do too - and I'll bet none of them involve travelling backwards and forwards from an Airbnb on your son's birthday, not fully enjoying anything.

It's totally unreasonable of them to expect you to be fine with to shoulder the responsibility of keeping everyone happy (impossible task) while they do as they like with no consideration of your opinion or anyone else in the family.

Thanks, he’s this is exactly how I feel!

This 💯

not sure what your husband was thinking booking something over his birthday. It’s gone from ‘actions have consequences’ to ‘fuck you’

Either way @MumOf4totstoteens this isn’t your fault though, so you shouldn’t feel bad, your husband should

It’s our 3rd wedding anniversary. Had to have this date due to it being re arranged so many times due to Covid. Previously we have done the normal and obvious thing and celebrated on two different days.

we celebrate as we see fit and do this for each child! Yes it’s OTT but we all enjoy it :) life is to be celebrated IMO

I realise what you're doing here. Unfortunately for you, I'm not going to rise to it.

What am I doing? Pointing out that you don't seem to be able to have a casual disagreement without getting rude? Don't rise to it then - you carry on.

I'd definitely go and wouldn't feel bad in the least. Act like a dick - be treated like one, and also life doesn't always go your way, the world doesn't revolve around you, and your parents are not your support humans/servants. The younger you understand this, the better.

He's 14, not 4, plenty old enough to understand actions and consequences. As for those who're suggesting 'parenting classes' to the OP, get a grip. He'd be getting a premium bollocking from me, not 'parenting classes'. The age of wet snowflakes with all the 'gentle parenting' shit.

I think there’s two people in this that need to learn a lesson as far as I can see. Your son needs his behavior to calm down and your husband needs to learn that no means no. I wouldn’t be participating in eithers bad behavior tbh. I think they think your a push over.

You're setting your son up for failure by continuing to throw money at him. You need to throw discipline at him and severe consequences. No birthday presents, no meal, no nothing. Go away and enjoy yourself and stop rewarding his bad behaviour.

Cruel to be kind. Sometimes loving your child is a about teaching them a harsh lesson. Acknowledge the guilt and then let it go. After his birthday you can be proud you stuck to your guns and see the fruits of your labour.

I’m confused. Is he staying at your mother’s because you are away for the weekend? It’s just because you say ‘he’s planned’ a sleepover there. Was this your decision or his? If he planned it then why is he still getting rewarded for his poor behaviour despite his sleepover with pals being cancelled? You are sending him mixed messages. How old is he?
I don’t think I could go away over my child’s birthday. Even if he’s being punished, I would still want to be with him, even if it’s just to open presents and have dinner together. I’m surprised at your OH lack of similar instinct.

He comes with you for the weekend, end of discussion.

You can’t leave him behind or he will reframe that as abandoning him on his birthday.

You can’t stay home as you will all be flipping miserable, whether or not DH still goes away.

Obviously too late now, but you set yourself up from problems having a wedding so close to your son’s birthday!

“my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary.”

So you told your husband you don’t want to go away this weekend and he went ahead and booked it anyway. Who put him in charge? He sounds awful.

Why the expense for years while he’s been behaving badly?

Who gets married on their kids‘ birthday or close to it? Couldn’t you find another weekend in a year of 12 months?

I‘m sorry but I think YABU to leave your son. I take it your husband isn’t his Dad? Where is the father of the kid?

Your son has to come first especially when he's having problems. It's a positive for you both that you could possibly build on. Bin the weekend. I can't believe how selfish and inconsiderate your husband has been, let him go himself if he doesn't care about your son.

Sincerely hoping you have not been blessed with children.

No way would I go away that weekend. Cancelling the party is harsh enough (but if that was a clear boundary you set - ok). However, you going away on that same weekend is really not nice.
Maintain the boundary and use this is time an opportunity to connect with your child and understand what is going wrong there.

You're son might be misbehaving, but he is a teen and your child.

Your husband on the other hand has behaved appallingly. How dare he book something when you'd already said you wanted to be there for your son's birthday?

Stop framing it as being stuck in the middle and not being able to please everyone. Tell your husband he was wrong to book something without your agreement and his slyness will not change the fact that you'll be prioritising your child on his birthday.

You poor thing . Why should you be put in this position ? Can’t you put son and husband in a room and get them to talk it out between them and you’ll go along with whatever they decide. They both made the mess they can sort it out .
also 14 is the age they start pushing the boundaries big time . I have 3 grown up children and have twin grandsons of 21. Been there got the t shirt , there’s nothing I haven’t experienced !
You’ve told your son if he didn’t behave, the consequences of his actions and you must carry them through or else he will try it on every time n issue at home comes up . Stick to your guns .

What your husband did is an issue , but sort that out with him another time , it just adds to your anxiety at the moment .

I can’t understand the mums saying how could you miss your son’s birthday when you have constantly said you ARE there for his birthday . It’s just the fact you are not having his sleepover , which is a result of his bad behaviour .

I really hope you get to have a nice break away and your son goes with you .
Is there not a possibility to have a sleepover the following weekend , if he behaves up until then ?

Thanks. He is coming. Yes my mum has offered a sleepover next week and I’ve been telling him he can earn his party back and do it over the summer holidays if he behaves at school, but I’ve just had to go pick him up because a girl has hit him after he was winding we her up. It’s literally every day there’s some drama at or to do with school. At home he’s a delight! I think that’s another reason I feel so bad.

He hasn’t been behaving badly for years it’s been gradual I’d say last 6months or so

as I’ve explained several times above, I didn’t get to choose the wedding date due to Covid this was the only date in the summer available and it’s usually fine we celebrate on 2 diff dates / weekends with no issue

no he’s not the dad as I’ve said lots of times above. His dad works away, think he’s home this weekend, but they had a big falling out a few weeks ago and haven’t spoken since.