AIBU to go away on my son's birthday weekend after cancelling

[MumOf4totstoteens]

We have been having serious issues with my son’s behaviour and attendance at school. I have tried everything ( I’ve managed to get him into a collage for the last 2 years so hoping that’s helps) anyway, for the last 2 years we have hired this big bell tent for the garden and he has a sleepover and I take him and his friends out for the day and feed them 3 x a day for 3 days. It’s a lot of stress and costs a lot too. I told him months ago that if he didn’t improve his behaviour and attendance we wouldn’t be doing it this year. I’ve stuck to it because he’s only been in school 2.5 days this week! I want him to know I mean business. Now here’s where I feel bad - it wS our wedding anniversary this week and my husband wanted to go away this weekend. I said absolutely not because it’s my son’s birthday on Sunday and I want to spend the weekend with him regardless. Yesterday when I told them both 100% no party, by husband booked for us to go away for the weekend to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I feel so bad like I’m abandoning my son on his birthday. It’s a lodge with hot tub and has bunk beds for kids so I asked my son if he wanted to come. He said no. He said he’s planned a sleepover at my mums house on Saturday night. So the plan is I’m taking him to this new steak restaurant on Sunday when I’m back. Son seems fine but I feel so bad! I feel like I’m torn between celebrating with my husband or being here for my son even when he has other plans. He’s 14 for context. Came here as I know MN will be truthful so go ahead…

I didn’t say he couldn’t make other plans though. I just said no party at my house/ organised by / paid for by me. My son goes fishing etc so I suggested that to him instead so he knew to make alternative plans

I wouldn’t go away on my sons birthdays ever, my husband wouldnt even suggest it tbh, his late parents, who were wonderful btw, went away for a fortnight when it was his 18th, he has never forgotten it, it really did upset him.

What’s the point in getting angry about something that’s not happening though?!

I think you really DO need to show your DH and your DS some anger though. Remind them you're a human and their collective bullshit is causing YOU nothing but grief and unnecessary drama to sort out.

Nobody else in this scenario is running round like a blue arsed fly trying to make everyone happy.

Fuck me, if my sons were flipping two fingers and arranging their own parties, treating school as optional and expecting no consequences I'd be reading the riot act.
And if DH knowingly went over my express wishes not to do something on a particular weekend for a completely obvious & good reason, I'd be pretty fucked off with him too.

Personally I'd feel like buggering off for a weekend with a hot tub alone, or at least with the people who aren't making my life far harder than necessary.

I am not a gentle parent.

But OP what do YOU want to do? If it were me I would want to go, it sounds like your son has had it all his own way for too long.

Yes this is my worst fear! I think one event like this in childhood can overshadow all the millions of nice/ good things you did for them and I really don’t want that. I make such an effort on their birthdays to make them each feel special and although I know I’m right sticking to my guns this time re the party. There’s no way I’m leaving him on his actual birthday

Honestly, it sounds like you have little control over your own life. How dare your 14 year old rearrange the party at his Gran's when you cancelled it at home.

Your dh should not have booked a weekend away this weekend however it is done now. I would be telling the 14 year old he is going with you - no if or buts. There is no way I would trust him to stay at home for the day and he lost the right to a sleep over in grans by re arranging the party there.

It seems like you’ve decided you’re going. Has your son gone to college today? When he returns I would pack bags and all go BUT come back tomorrow. Then you can have Sunday just for him.

I want to spend my son’s birthday with him that’s my main priority. So either he comes with me or I don’t go, or I go for the night tonight come home the Saturday night.

Until I wrote it here I didn’t think it was a big deal him trying to re arrange a sleepover at my mums but now I’ve thought about it your right. I will be having this conversation with him for sure.

He’s still at school until September. Yes he’s gone to school.

God no. You cannot go away for the weekend on your son's birthday. That's horrible. Like really really nasty.

Not getting an expensive party, reasonable consequence. Cancelling someone birthday, not a reasonable consequence.

In 20 years time that's gonna be a bloke that sulks on his kids birthdays and says "no one gave a shit about my birthday, my parents just left me home alone, and I turned out fine so why should my kids get anything for their birthday."

Agreed but I was never going to leave him on his actual birthday. Just to make that clear again!

I don’t know why you’ve done such huge birthday celebrations in the past, but I certainly wouldn’t feel bad about not doing it this year. Sorry but he sounds spoilt. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences, and responsibilities go both ways. At 14 he can cope. He shouldn’t be allowed to just move the venue of his party!

Incidentally, how is he going to go to a college when he’s only 14? (Unless it’s just a school with a fancy name.)

Your husband needs to cancel he booked this knowing it would cause a problem.

you stay at home with your son he can still have a nice birthday.

Your husband really doesn't like your son does he? Maybe that's where the behaviour issues have come from. Go away, prioritise your DH in his battle to take the attention from your son, and watch the behaviour get worse.

It’s an engineering technical collage they take from year 10

They get on well actually

Oh and for clarification I remember all my shitty Christmases and birthdays. There may have been good ones but the bad ones really stand out.

my son is in his 30s now I don’t ever plan anything that week as I hope to see him. I’ve seen him for every birthday bar one when he postponed as at uni and we went out for lunch the next day so within twelve hours of his birthday.

But he just rearranged what he actually wanted, a sleepover with friends, at your Mum’s! His objective was a sleepover. So your sanction was undermined.

It is unusual for a grandmother to just say yes to a group teen birthday sleepover without communication with you, surely?

So did you marry on your sons birthday?

Would you have booked a weekend away when it was one of his children's birthdays? Even after he said no? Go and book and pay for it anyway to make him feel he had to go?

He's 14. He comes with you. Don't foist him off on others. He needs connection and structure, not being allowed to go to someone else's and then try and rule the roost over there/behind your back. He sounds as if perhaps he's going through a phase of trying to work out where he fits. Hopefully, the college will suit him and he will thrive.

It's true how we remember things - my mum was away on holiday visiting her friend when I got my GCSE results. I suffer from a chronic disease and had done half time school all through secondary so to even get GCSEs was amazing. My dad and sister came with me to get the results but it still upset me. My dad then went on to compare me and my sister's results using a points system. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Then when I got my A Level results they had taken us on a family holiday abroad. I didn't get the results I wanted for my uni offer and had to spend the holiday panicking about clearing and trying to figure out what I was going to do - in the age of no mobile phones and no internet while in a foreign country. I will never forget how stressful and depressing that was.

I know my mum meant no harm but it highlighted to me how she didn't understand me.... she didn't understand that it meant something important to me and never asked me how I felt about it.

Keep the communication open with your son. If you go away, try to find some time to chat with him and do things as a family that connects him to you all.

It’s good he gets on with your DH. Maybe DH is the one to handle this and tell him he’s coming away with his family for the weekend and that’s that.

We got married 3rd his birthday is 7th - it was Covid so we were limited with the dates as it had to be re arranged 3 times. Otherwise wouldn’t have chosen them so close.

Except he literally couldn’t wait to book a weekend away the moment you cancelled the sleepover, even though you said no.