First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Is a simple thankyou to much to ask. No bowing and scraping required.

Another fucking ignoramus it seems.

OP ignore the people saying you were trying to make a grand gesture or be performative. I think picking up the bill is a lovely gesture, I would be grateful rather than annoyed if someone did this and I would absolutely say thank you!

I think it's incredibly rude not to say thank you to someone who is buying your dinner. My parents often pay for me too and I always make sure to thank them. I sometimes offer to pay too, even though they never let me. I think it's even more rude and inexplicable for your DILs parents to not say thank you. Even if it somehow slipped their minds at the time, they could send you a message afterwards.

I also think it's really sad that (according to some of the responses on this thread) some people interpret attempts to be nice as performative and take offence at them.

Oh dear. I have often paid for friends/family quietly at the bar as a treat and have had it done to me sometimes too and I always thought of it as a really kind gesture but I shan't do it anymore as many seem to think of it as rude. Things you learn on MN! 😀

I made this one comment, why are you attacking me? Paying is only a nice thing if everyone is happy, I wouldn't like someone paying as then I would assume they would expect me to pay next time, which I wouldn't want to do.

In this day and age you can necessarily expect to have to do that or you may not be able to afford to go out.

Phew!😂

Yes absolutely, same here! Certainly not everyone thinks it's rude though, I'm not sure how reflective these threads are of real life. And presumably your friends are people who like you and won't take offence by you doing nice things for them!

WTAF that’s a bit extreme and a harsh way to take it! Cynical much?!

They didn't 'let' you pick up the bill. You took charge and decided to pay the bill without telling anybody and the whined because nobody thanked you. How did they even know you paid. They maybe thought your son and daughter paid. You sound hard work.

In her deleted post, OP called another poster 'a moron' and told them to fuck off. She also said that a poster who didn't think that OP's in-laws had done anything wrong must obviously be a 'leftie'. Until those posts, I was definitely on OP's side and thought that her in-laws were rude and ungrateful.

Did neither of you discuss it either?

I don't mind say, our boss paying for all when the Team is out for a meal, but although the gesture is nice, I would make me feel a little awkward one couple slipping away to pay. If my ds/ddil paid for the meal for everyone in your party, then it would not bother me in the slightest. I can't explain why it would bother me, it just would. Do you think they thought the kids paid, thanked them then were embarrassed to find it was you and the didn't thank you. Either way, in all cases, it's just good manners to say thank you even belatedly.

Your son and dil probably said in advance “oh my parents always like to treat us”.

Not mentioning it or saying thank you makes me think they felt really uncomfortable.

I would much rather someone said before the meal “I’d like this to be our treat” so I can say “that’s very generous - how about we pay for the wine and get something special?” And then the “no no no we insist” can be done, and I can say “well okay but you will have to come to dinner at our house soon so we can say thank you. Do you think a summer barbecue would be nice one weekend if you’re free?”

Oh wow I didn't see this. I can't see what this has to do with being left/right wing. I'm pretty left wing on most things and I don't get offended by people buying me dinner, I appreciate it and say thank you. Even if I didn't particularly like the people who were paying for dinner I'd still say thank you.

And whatever you say - it is a power play. Go and do some reading on sociology and unequal exchange of gifts!

years ago my dad said to me he found it really odd that my boyfriend never thanked him whenever we went out for dinner. my dad never complains about things like this so I did go to my boyfriend and mention it to him. he looked really awkward and said he thought it would be uncomfortable for my dad if he thanked him (as if acknowledging the wealth disparity between a 24 year old student and a businessman would be awkward). I've never know if he was telling the truth particulary as he was a dreadful social climber (he ended up marrying a woman much posher and richer than him and altering his voice and history to fit in).

also even with wealth disparity it's worth making an effort and definitely acknowledging. I have this within my own family - my partners side is wealthier than I am and eats in far more expensive places than I ever would and always leaves huge amounts of food (my kids are scandalised!) - and they always treat . I thank them, bring gifts andmake sure that I periodically take everyone out to dinner so they don't feel taken advantage of...

Considering that you paid before for son and DIL if YOU invited parents they probably thought that you would pay. Some people think like this or they think that as they are visiting - you pay. It’s often cultural.
Do you want to find an explanation or just rant by the way? Either is fine, but you sound quite irritated when people offer you an explanations. It doesn’t mean that people agree with your in-laws, they are just showing you the situation from different sides.

P.S. I would hate the situation like this, I would prefer open conversation about the bill and I would be annoyed that you paid secretly. I would notice that your DH went to the bar, believe me, and I would know why.

It sounds like there's an income disparity.
There's a good chance your sugfestion of restaurant is out of their budget and when they mentioned this to the kids, they told them not to worru about it.
They probably thought you'd sneaked off to bar to take care of it to be gracious and spare their embarassment.
The way you've replied to people on this thread is very telling.

Amazed at some of these replies. I love a secret pay - yes it might be a bit of a performative gesture but who cares? They’re still paying for you and doing something generous. One day I will do it for my table (once my teacher pay increases..!)

rude that they didn’t acknowledge it - forget about it now and next time you eat together sort out the bill as a table and just split per couple.

I don't think it's rude! I'm amazed that anyone would!

I'm sure your family know you're not controlling, rude, whatever else people are claiming on this thread. I imagine they interpret it in the way you intend it, as a nice gesture. I certainly would if any of my friends/family did this.

It depends on who you're with I think. So me and my Dad go out for food every fortnight or so. We take turns to pay and often we'll just do it on the way back from the loo.

That's not a problem obviously, because the agreement is implicit.

On the other hand, we recently met SILs new boyfriend for the first time, and he did it, and it completely rubbed me up the wrong way. It was such a flash-the-cash, billy big balls maneuver to try and curry favour, that it had completely the opposite effect.

Yeah this reply confirmed all my suspicions about the OP.

The reason people think it is performative is because they kept it secret!

They waited until the end of the meal, and still sat there and didn't say anything, paying for someone else's meal is a nice gesture in most cases, but making them guess at the end what is happening is just weird when they know full well it's paid for.

They were always going to pay, they decided before they even went, so why not just say it was their treat from the start, or at least tell them when they got back to the table that they'd covered the bill. Why would you wait for someone to offer, then tell them you're considerably richer than them so you've decided to pay for everybody already.

It's performative and weird to do it that way, more so for people you barely know who are supposed to be your equals.

You said your son picked the restaurant but you haven't said who asked if the others wanted to go for a meal. If your son said to his wife's parents 'My parents would like you to come out for a meal with them ' then some people would assume they were being paid for. Having said that, most people would a) check and b) say thank you. So you aren't being unreasonable op.