First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Why are you trying to make them the problem, they did a kind thing, it is highly unusual to not enquiring to pay and jist leave and to not say thank you, it is utterly rude, the fact you and others are trying to make the op the issue is shocking,

In fairness, I can understand how people might get annoyed to feel they have been "manoeuvred". I wouldn't, but I can see if you had some issue with the other party that meant you didn't want to feel beholden to them etc etc you might feel "outplayed."

But for me the correct path from there is still a "thank you" - and then make sure you get in first next time.

But in recent years I am noticing people get bitter about all sorts of things that once were just niceties. I think the whole passive aggressive concept, while it has its place, has become over-developed by popular culture to include basic politeness and well-meant gestures. There is a lot that is, at root, a rejection of older societal values.

How did you all part company outside? Didn't anyone say 'thank you for the evening, it was lovely' or similar? That would have acknowledged that they'd been paid for without labouring the point. Or did they just say 'ta-ra then' and wander off into the night?

I agree! We went out with some friends recently and I thanked them for the evening, even though we’d split the bill as they had chosen it and booked it. Very odd all round.

Completely batshit responses on this thread

It’s odd and rude that the payment wasn’t acknowledge but I do have to agree with some posters that as an adult, it’s drives me nuts when another adult decides they’ll pay for something on my behalf.

my in-laws do it all the time and I used to see it as an act of kindness but now realise it’s them either being flash or controlling - very quick to stealth pay in their local pub, in front of all their mates or when choosing a holiday home in a part of the UK they want to visit/not child friendly at all/on the strict dates they have to stick to despite not working anymore (and the backlash we get when we try to politely decline just isn’t worth it). I’d much rather pay our share and get a say in where we go/eat/stay but then they sulk!

Could you ask your son if they spoke to him about the bill or if he paid it himself even? Maybe they have got the impression or been told that you are very rich and pay for everything! Still shockingly bad manners not to thank you though!

It wasn't as you describe, though.

You adding 2 and 2 and getting 5.
We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

I expect the bartender asked if they wanted to settle payment while they were at the bar and they said yes. Otherwise they'd have had to say 'Oh, we need to split it, we'll talk to the guests'.

They were put on the spot and didn't think the MIL etc would ignore the bill.
Most normal people would say 'How do we pay now' or 'Have you paid in which case how much do we owe you?'

The rest of your post about holidays etc is not really to the point.

That’s going a bit far

Balls!

Did the OP ask them if they were ok with lording it over them like lady bountiful? No, she just presumed and expected them to scrape and fawn with thank yous.

If anyone tried that shit with me I wouldn’t thank them either… why would i? They’d have taken the piss by taking liberties… and no one takes liberties with me. I’d just call them a cunt and tell them to fuck off trying to be a posh twat and stop trying to buy my favours. I owe no one nothing and anyone who takes liberties with me can fuck the fuck off.

Maybe they did pay their share although I suppose you would have seen them go up to the bar. Are you sure they didn't. The restaurant coukd have taken the money twice. This has happened to me (I was told I hadn't paid my share gor a mesl but I had!)

Maybe I missed something, but it sounds like they have form for this ? Did they really not contribute to their daughter’s wedding at all?

They didn't contribute to the wedding of their own daughter? 🤔

Oh dear I have done this with big family meals just to avoid complications. Is it rude ?

when choosing a holiday home in a part of the UK they want to visit/not child friendly at all/on the strict dates they have to stick to despite not working anymore

That objection I can grasp. That's using money to control.

But was there really any control issues at play here?

Of course, this thread has one side of the story, and there may be comments and other details the OP has not told us about that would be an "ah-ha" moment for us all.

But, absent that, it is really hard to understand how anyone would think just not mentioning it was ok. Even a "well you ought to have let us contribute but thank you anyway" if they really wanted to signal they would have liked the choice.

scrape and fawn with thank yous.

It's this that I find baffling, the idea that being thankful is somehow scraping and fawning and in some way demeaning. Since when is a plain, simple thank you demeaning to the person saying it? I mean being asked to thank your abuser or similar would be sick, but this was picking up a restaurant tab ...

well look what @Pigeonpoodle would think! 😳

Does anyone remember a while back when there was this attitude to holding open a door or not pushing past someone.

Is it not a tradition for the groom’s family to make a social overture to the bride’s family, such as invite them for dinner? Before the wedding, but it sounds like that didn’t happen. Maybe they thought this was that? But they absolutely should have thanked you.

Well, if there is a next time, and there are a lot of children - maybe suggest McDonald's!
Seriously, though, no point in dwelling on it, you won't get a consensus on MN for any question raised. Just remember this at any the future meals.

Maybe they thought this was that?

This is a good observation.

Maybe you stole THEIR thunder?

Much lolz. People be longing to buy you dinner, innit,

No, it’s really nice.

Mumsnet is awash with trolls pretending they’re furious over things that are normal, it’s on every thread, no matter the topic. If you asked what colour lipstick people are wearing a bunch would turn up to say lipstick is scummy and infuriating. lol.

Well yes, and that's why I said a the end of that paragraph that it was extremely rude not to thank the OP.