First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Why do you think they didn’t know you had paid. You went up to the bar you left the table they probably saw you pay.

I completely agree with that poster op. It’s infantilising. A special occasion maybe, or when you’ve been hosted and you pay for a meal out in return.

but then as I said in my other post, I have a mother who would never dream of offering to pay.

so yes this couple were bloody rude but if you were doing this a lot I’d think you were either showing off or conversely I’ve known people who ha e not had money who get a kick out of being generous, over compensating- my dad used to do it.

Stop dancing around excuses for this, i.e. it maybe this and maybe that. Every one of them, son, DIL, other parents were massively out of line here. There's no other way to say it.

I'd be livid, hurt, bemused, angry at their total lack of manners, first of all to check to see how bill is being sorted, and secondly to thank you and DH for generously paying for all of you.

No excuses, no shyness, no money worries (WTH?), nothing excuses them, just pure bad manners IMV.

I'd forget my CC if there is ever a next time out with them all.

Very bad mannered.
They come over as socially inept.

Some families simply have no manners.

I do think your son could have set an example though and said something like 'We'll go halves with you on this Mum and Dad'. or 'Let me buy the wine'.

Someone needed to talk about payment before the bill arrived.

There is just one small point though- if your son invited the in laws they may have expected not to pay. But that's very myopic of them and they ought to have at least offered to pay their share.

Why would doing it often be 'showing off'?

I don't think anyone would do it often as it's patronising to take another adult couple out for dinner and not expect a contribution (with the exception of immediate family- not in laws.)

No one is that dim, surely.

Are you considerably more wealthy than they are . Unless they just do not have the money to pay it’s really rude and entitled.If the daughter suggests a meal in future they can pick up the next bill.

Some of these comments are weird - they were rude simple as that! Someone paying for your lunch is a lovely gesture and going to the bar is not sneaky - some of you have very strange values!

If we go out and someone else pays the bill without telling me, I just think ‘That’s kind of them’ , say thank you v much, and make a mental note that it’s our turn next time.

I think that may be part of the problem though, the hosts this time had already decided to secretly make a grand gesture of paying for everyone's meals, and then made it awkward by not saying anything or giving a cue for people to acknowledge it.

How can the other parents compete with that? They couldn't contribute to the wedding in any meaningful way, and were most likely perfectly happy to pay for themselves when all meeting up as equals, but that option to contribute has been taken away from them, the precedent has also now been set that if they meet up again it will be up to them to pay for 6 grown adults food and drinks bill if they wanted to 'make it right'.. they can't compete with OP and shouldn't be made to feel inferior.

Not everyone pays for their adult children when they go out, OP thinks nothing of doing that, fair enough, but don't make that decision for your "supposed" equals at the table.

Bottom line is, she didn't treat them like equals and was upset that they didn't doff their hat in gratitude.

I'd have found the whole secret paying/not saying anything condescending and uncomfortable to be honest.

But these people aren’t valued friends are they, they have no real connections to the op other than being parents of the woman (or man) her son has sex with . It’s something you’d do with people you knew and liked.

Gosh that’s awful. The restaurant should never have given him that note. They should have spoken to you about it.

Well the good thing is that usually parents of a married couple hardly ever socialise (in my experience of 2 marriages) so this may be the only time you have to do it!

Absolutely. Who on earth goes out for lunch, orders what they wish, eats their fill and then stands up and walks out without checking how it’s paid, if it’s paid, what they owe and say thank you if appropriate. Other than children.

I suspect they were embarassed as they couldn’t afford to pay for the table, so didn’t want to say anything, but it does not excuse the son and his wife, for doing the same.

the fact both the op and hee husband went to the bar, would indicate to me they realised it was paid at that point. As much as the bar was behind the parents, someone will have been facing it, and it’s likely the son or someone said my parents are paying the bill, but you’d still fucking say, did you pay thank you, not just walk out.

Me too! I've stopped reading this thread - too depressing! Complete lack of grace and manners.

Do your son and DIL NEVER pay when you go out? Or offer to?

I'd let them know you can't do another runner from that particular restaurant and will have to try another place next time - text them and plan - see what the response is?

This is not the first time they have done this “selfless” good deed, slinking up to the bar to pay, waiting for the “ahaaah!” moment when someone else asks for the bill. It’s really bizarre behaviour when the rest of us just say “dinner is on us, enjoy!”. I’ve been out with these people before, I know the type, their son will have seen it before. If it were done quietly for the completely altruistic reason of her wanting to pay for dinner, OP wouldn’t be here whining about the lack of acknowledgment. She has made an assumption about the in-laws, it is probably based on some prior judgement of them (“they never paid a thing for the wedding”) and wants us to pile on to confirm her thoughts.

I say again, no normal functioning adult simply gets up from a table in a restaurant assuming their food has been paid for unless that expectation has been set for them somehow. Why would they? If they just walked out without having some idea the bill has been paid, they would have staff running after them for payment and nobody would put themselves in that position. Perhaps the son said “they will pay for dinner because they don’t want a fuss” or he might have said “they will be looking for you to gush with thanks, don’t give in to it” or whatever. Too easy to assume the evil in-laws have done something terrible.

Some of these posts are just so crazy! Op, your in-laws are soooo rude. It's as simple as that.

All the other adults were rude including your child. How will you deal with this in the future?

Yep. Even if they “had their back to the bar”, was OP watching them like a hawk to see if they turned their heads around to see? Or maybe son was looking and said “oh ho - that’s the Rockerfellers up there paying the bill for everyone” whilst they both went up there (because it’s a two person job…) to pay the bill.

Yes, but because OP did it without a word to them people are saying they might not know who to thanks. Silence breeds crossed wires! Doing it upfront means everyone can act politely because they know wtf is going on.

But their son wasn’t?

This is rude. They should’ve said thank you. The only time I accept someone paying for me is if they say and I accept. Some people I know insist on paying for me. But I definitely thank them afterwards.

@50sandFabulous
I have experienced instances where individuals paid for an entire group meal as a lovely surprise and a genuine gesture of goodwill. In these moments, we all felt deeply grateful, recognizing that the act was sincere and came with no strings attached.
Conversely, I have also seen group meals paid for as an entirely performative power move. In such cases, the individual seeks to show off their wealth and curated "kindness." Such people often use these instances for years to come as evidence of their supposed generosity, or perhaps as a social debt they expect to be repaid in influence.
The fundamental difference between these two scenarios lies in the personality of the benefactor: one is an expression of true warmth, while the other is merely a hollow affectation.
Which one are you OP?

See this is an excellent and hilarious solution

Perhaps the son said “they will pay for dinner because they don’t want a fuss” or he might have said “they will be looking for you to gush with thanks, don’t give in to it” or whatever.

Perhaps he did. They should still have said thank you. It’s basic good manners.