First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

This. Op made a power play and is upset no one acknowledged it. Now you know to just discuss splitting the bill next time or to be upfront if you want a song and dance.

Totally! They’d know that the bill needed paying and I’m surprised no one was like ‘oh let me get the bill’ or when they realised thanked you… because obviously you can’t walk out of a restaurant without paying so they inevitably would’ve known you paid. That’s rather quite rude of them!

I think maybe the difference is if it’s done with the intention of being quiet and happy or as something to hold over peoples heads while silently fuming.

Really rude of them to not even say thank you. I'd think twice about doing it again

I don’t think it’s a power play at all. It’s a just a kind gesture. Why can’t people be kind without it having some ulterior motive? I’ve been to the bar multiple times to pay for a tab amongst friends and family. So have other people for me and I’ve always thanked them and I’ve never thought that they’re demonstrating some sort of power. It takes nothing to say thank you

I still don't follow why your son didn't mention the bill..I know the in-laws should also say something so they aren't excused either. The whole situation is strange IMO..

Wow, why don't you graciously accept and offer to pay next time? I am so saddened by this thread. Kindness and generosity as a 'power move' - I've heard it all now.

It doesn't matter whether you feel uncomfortable about someone else picking up the bill or not. It is ridiculously rude to not say "thank you" if someone has paid for you.....whether you mean it or not, whether it has made you uncomfortable or not....you have some basic manners and say thanks.

To not do so is the mark of an entitled twat, and I include OP's son here since he also didn't say thank you.

People's lack of manners and good grace never fail to amaze me nowadays.

100%! maybe they thanked the son and he hadn’t passed on the message to his parents?

I think sneaking up and paying without offering a chance for them to pay could be taken in the wrong way. Like you assumed they can not pay, didn't even ask if they wanted to and took over the situation. I know a lot of people who would be offended by this. I think you should have said at the time of the bill that you would cover it and also let them have a chance to offer and pay. Maybe they were going to pay as a gesture seeing as you pajd for the wedding. They probably think yoh think they are poor.

Maybe they also paid - could have done it online, as they came in etc.
This happened with me and my dad, we both paid the bill, didn't mention it until the next day to eachother! Then had trouble getting a refund 😕

@50sandFabulous Why did you not tell them you were paying the bill when you sat down.

we had this exact same scenario. Me, DH, In-laws and young couple.

DH and I had decided to pay the bill. We sat down ordered drinks, looked at menu and I said we are paying the bill.

There followed all of the usual pleasantries, “no we couldn’t” “yes I insist” “oh thank you…next
time it’s on us”.

Simple!

I think your son may have told his wife that you were paying the bill. Things couples talk about.

It is astonishing not to even say thank you.

In Chinese culture it’s an honour to pay the bill and I have seen many shenanigans where people sneak to pay. At my nieces big 3 day wedding, my much older brother would be paying. The performative arguing between him and his friends and other senior family members was next level, I sat in the comfort knowing I would not be allowed to pay. I’m at the age and stage now where it is sometimes us that pays. It’s mainly older generation now but it earns you face (status).

We met DS GF parents last year, her Father snuck off and paid. I had a lot of good natured ribbing with him asking him if he was really Chinese, he is actually a farmer from Yorkshire. I insisted I would only accept if he let me pay for dinner next time and it also meant he would be forced to see me and DH again. I did indeed pay next time.

They were all rude not to say thank you.

If you want performative…. On DS3 14 th birthday my abusive ex husband was subject to bail conditions meaning he could not contact or approach me, my children were subject to a CPO that was partly in place to ensure I did not harm them further by having any relationship with him

i went out for dinner with my family for the birthday, my ex not only paid for the meal over the phone, but he then asked the restaurant to give the receipt to DS3, with a note saying how much he loves him and how sad he was not to be there, but it’s because of mummy. DS3 burst in to tears at the table

I then had
a 14 year old screaming and crying at me all night, saying it was all my fault

They must have known you paid. But yes they should have absolutely thanked you!

Did your son and daughter-in-law arrange the lunch?

It is not unusual for a couple to pay when they invite both sets of parents to lunch. Did her parents assume that your son and daughter-in-law would pay?

Your son, daughter-in-law, and her parents did not pay for lunch and did not say thank you. It is strange that neither couple acknowledged the restaurant bill was paid.

super rude but not uncommon. my in laws stopped paying for themselves when we go out and never treated us as we used to alternate. husband thinks its ok. its not about the money but about the entitled attitude.

at our wedding (fully paid by DH and me) MiL went to order a ‘special’ champagne which was not on our wedding menu (we had a different one available) without even questioning who’d pay for it (of course, it was us). this is shocking to me as my parents are the exact opposite..

Your generosity was totally overlooked and taken advantage of.

You absolutely deserved, at the very least, a big thank you but I would have also tried to insist on trying pay half. You're not being unreasonable at all.

I suspect they are just going to quietly ignore paying for anything as they don't need to, because you've proved you'll do it! Hate people like that!

Maybe they did the same thing, discreetly paid the bill

This sounds like a test they were set up to fail.

If their expectation was that you’d pay, they weren’t wrong - that’s exactly what you did. If they are normal adult humans, that expectation could have come from anywhere. Perhaps your son told them that’s what you’d do. No normal adult leaves a meal expecting someone else to pay unless that expectation is based on some sort of reality. I agree with PP, you just wanted them to fall at your feet and you’re sore they didn’t play the game.

Rude behaviour.

What am I reading, her son didn’t know they’d pay, she’s been clear on that, and it is utterly rude to not say thank you. They were not set up to fail, and clearly the op didn’t expect them to fall at her feet.

whats wrong with people on here.

A bit this really. I think two things can be true, really odd of them not to say Dave have you paid we were going to split it but you also did it for a reason - why was that?

it made you feel good I assume , and that’s fine but if I was the other couple ( me I mean not the tight weirdos you were with ) I’d be really irritated.

I have exactly the same with my mum, she never queries how the bill is paid or if she should contribute just eats and leaves before everyone else or if we are driving her announces she’s ready to go. I pay out of duty though , duty in that it’s easier to see her out of the house not because it feels good !

The fact that your DS and DIL didn't say 'thank you' makes me suspect that they took the glory for paying. It's very odd otherwise.

The only other thing I can think is that the in-laws were confused because your son/DIL didn't say anything, and the moment passed.