AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much? **Content Warning - mention of suicide**

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

I do love when men list all they do when it’s things such as the car and the lawn, neither of which is anyway comparable to the daily crap, in fact with our weather the lawn can only be done a few times a year. Every so often I think of stopping everything I do daily to write down what I’m doing- check homework, sign homework, clean out lunchboxes and flasks, make sure uniform is ready etc etc.

And people always say if you go away they’d see what you do when in actuality they’d possibly ignore their child has cooking on such a day and pe on such a day, swimming on a Monday etc etc

Painting a fence! Tell him to paint the fence if he wants it painted!!!

Sevenwondersofthewoo
Go back to work
unless he’s putting money aside for you in a pension which I doubt
plus when does he actually see his child cos I think it’s never or very very little.

Op very seriously I would make sure you put away even a small amount of money a week, not because I think your dh will leave or any of that, it’s just always good to have a small amount of security x

So he doesn't see his child at all during the week and then doesn't see him at weekends because of a hobby. Why are you with him? Why did you have a child together? When he is home next weekend tell him you are going out so he'll have to cancel his hobby and while he's at home he can paint the fence and clean the house while looking after DS. If he thinks it's so easy he can do it.
When he complains about missing his hobby tell him you need time to unwind and he needs to get to know your son.
If he still won't step up then I suppose you have to decide if you want to be a single parent living with another adult or if you want to be a single parent who doesn't have to worry about a lazy arrogant prick.

Why do women constantly put up with this shit? It’s so unequal. Why doesn’t your DH want to help out and be around his child at weekends? Mumsnet is just full of stories of useless ( and also abusive) men. Unbelievable but we are partly to blame for accepting this crap.

When do you get time to do your hobby?

I honestly hear this so much: "dh works all the time and when he's not working he's not spending time helping raise a family, he's off doing his 'hobby'." Women should expect more from their relationships.

Do you plan on going back to work op?

Also, does he pay you an allowance? If so, I'd actually prioritise the finances and drop other things to ensure he's not being financially abusive. Taking more control could actually work in your favour op, if he's also controlling with money as well as how you spend your time (?)

I like painting, so I’d say ‘fine by me, you watch DS on saturday and sunday and I’ll sort that for us’. Also tell him you want him to take the baby out as will be disruptive for your painting work to have them kicking about.

He’s out for a big chunk of the weekend doing his hobby

That's ridiculous. He's opting out of family life and making you his servant. Does his son even know who he is?

Can you book yourself a day out on a weekend so that he has to do the solo parenting for a day- might give him a better idea of just how much you manage!

Or with his wife?!

Honestly why did he want a kid if he's spending the whole day away from him?

My advice is get a job, use funded childcare and encourage him to step back from work a bit and do more at home.

You are not being unreasonable but you have to put your foot down and don't just accept this dynamic

The fundamental issue here is that your DH does not view you as a person entitled to time to yourself and a degree of personal fulfilment, but as some sort of household appliance instead. You have worse working conditions than most nannies tbh (who are paid to do a job). It is acceptable in his eyes that all you do is childcare and household chores and that you never have a moment to yourself. I'd find that very hard to forgive.

I've had periods of being at home with the DC and at the moment I work very part-time, and in all honesty my DH has never, ever dictated to me how I should spend my time (youngest DC does 2 days per week in nursery). I could have coffee with friends, go to gym classes, visit museums and galleries, whatever I liked - and he would not comment, whatever state the house was in, so long as the kids were safe and fed and had what they needed. In exchange, he has Saturday mornings to himself to sleep and goes to the gym Sunday afternoon if we don't have anything else on (as well as a couple of mornings a week) and I don't comment about that - that's his down-time. He'll also look after DC on weekend evenings if I want to go for dinner or out with friends.

If you're not a team and everything is on you, everything becomes 100 times harder. That way lies burnout and discontent. Particularly for me (though I do have ADHD admittedly), being ordered to do stuff and having no time to myself results in me completely shutting down and achieving less, not more, than when my DH and I work cooperatively.

Where are you supposed to plonk the baby for hours on end while you get all these jobs done?

Arrange that you will go out for a day one weekend and when you get back see if he had time to paint the garden fence.

I'd just like to REALLY recommend that you lock down your contraception. It wouldn't be an issue for me as he sounds so awful that I wouldn't sleep with him but...

Honestly I can see that it's frustrating but you have nothing legitimate to 'report' . Hopefully it will settle down.

Imagine doing all you do OP as well as working 4 days per week like a good friend of mine does. 😅 You’d never cope.

Umm what? Do you have a point? That other people have it worse so she should just suck it up that her dh is a selfish tosser who doesn’t contribute? Why don’t you go tell a sick friend to get over themselves while you’re busy spreading the love and making the world a better place.

He's very happy to dictate your time, isn't he? And I can't believe he washes his car and not yours. How mean. He sounds generally awful, but that really stood out for me.

There's something that goes wrong in many relationships once the baby is born and the mother doesn't go back to work or is on maternity leave. It happened to me and I ended our marriage, things just got worse as time went on. DD is 20 now, we left when she was 4.

In hindsight the signs were there 2 years after we got married but I didn't realise what was going on. We were married for 9 years before DD was born & inbetween times we'd had our ups & downs.

I never even thought that DD could have been the worst thing that ever happened to him, I was on cloud 9 and we'd talked things through while I was pregnant.

What I never envisaged was that I'd be the only one who was committed to caring for her & he just wasn't interested.

Not every man can be a father - they're more than happy to donate their 50% contribution to make the baby but that's it.

Another one for treating you as the help not a wife.
If he's that bothered about the fence needing painted he should give his hobby a miss one weekend.
Oh look a flying pig🐖

Oh my word, what a click bait lol 😆

A baby who naps, can be in a playpen while doing basic housework for an hour or so every day, also while they nap.

No one has to hold their baby all day, this is the easy stage, sorry unless a difficult baby!

Indeed a sahm with one baby can manage admin. Most of us actually work and do it.

Can't believe how many comments from people who believe this post amd also angry retort.
Does anyone live in the real world anymore 😔

Get back to work.
You are a single parent and skivvy.
Do not have more children with him.
He sounds absolutely awful.
You do realise that he thinks you are his servant.

Some men have no idea.

Yes this 1000%. The problem with the severe household labor inequality that happens when mothers are on Mat Leave is that for the most part when they go back to work, it doesn't go back to how it was. That was the case for me. I run my own business and work 5 days a week, having Thursday and Sunday off. I do all the cooking (apart from one meal a week, which he makes, which only started 18 months ago after we nearly broke up), washing, putting away, household finances, shopping, other housework and most of the school run. It has eroded my respect for him.

The first thing I would do is go back to work. Then seriously consider an exit strategy. You may not have to use it but it’s good to plan. He expects too much of you and spends most of the weekend at his hobby. You’re not his servant or nanny. This is why being a SAHM isn’t good for most women. He clearly sees himself as vastly superior to you.