AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

if your life and to-do list would be easier without him in it, then you’re doing way too much.

If there is any way you could manufacture a reason to go away for a week, leaving him with DC on his annual leave. Please do it. Make sure you leave a list of all the things you usually get done in the week, and include the odd jobs that need doing (such as the fences). Don’t meal prep in advance or tell him where all the supplies are (such as nappies etc).

The only way these men learn is through having to do it themselves without you there.

I'm sure that when men work from home they don't do any childcare or housework, so do women stick to the same principle? Imagine if they both worked from home - what then - is it the woman that gets allocated the childcare & cleaning duties or do they work together being considerate of each other's needs and sharing the load so it's fair and it works for both of them?

I think in some ways the silver lining is that he is not underfoot to get involved in your schedule at home. I found for me, DH was home a lot when I was on maternity leave and even when I had DC part-time and just found him being in the house quite frustrating. He would come and see why is DC fussing or crying and I felt it was unenjoyable being home in a small space too, feeling a bit like under a microscope.

I think maybe while your DH carries on about the fence and whatever else, I’d just brush him off and keep
on enjoying your own routines and DC while you can.

When I was a sahp with a toddler dh was out the house 6am- 6pm (did gym before work) I’d have his tea ready for when he got home, he would entertain dc while I cleaned kitchen then we would do bedtime together. Dh did his own breakfast /lunches in the week, emptied bins, dud recycling, sorted bills and dud any diy/ gardening.
Weekends we would each get a lay in and dh would cook. He would also empty dishwasher, walk dog and put a wash on. Unless one of us had plans we would both have dc .

id make a list of all the things you do and roughly how many hours it takes. Hours you are looking after toddler solo (minus naps/sleep times) and how much down time you get
Then do same for dh and compare the two with him.

Suggest he has toddler for a day and makes your lunch/ dinner and see how much housework he gets done.

This. Split the cooking chores and childcare 50-50. What did his last slave die of?

When do you get a break?
Like another poster said accurately - sounds like someone whose never had to look after an 18 month old all day..
all of this is just not possible especially his working and hobby hours.

Wow. I’m a SAHP and I do sod all tbh while looking after the kids. When my DH is home we then pretty much do the lot together.

What does “doing the finances” mean in your situation? I’d be wanting to do the finances, discover some flex in the system, save some random money somewhere on a contract, and pay someone else to paint the fence 😂

I was SAH
My advice is if he doesn’t value what you are doing for his child - forget housework and painting fences - then seriously consider going back to work.

And H worked long hours, was gutted if he missed bedtime and would never have had a big hobby one weekend day because he wanted to see his babies.

I get the feeling that men are regressing in seeing the mother of their child as equals.

Sometimes H would come home the house was in uproar, furniture had been moved, he had an inspiring bowl of mash and beans for dinner (now cold) but two happy babies clean, fed who’d had a great day. And that was all that mattered. He trusted me that I worked just as hard as him and could decide what I needed to do in order of priority. That’s was just about it. Just as I trusted he was doing the right thing financially.

Panting fences! Hope you said “are you out of your fucking mind”

If H has barked orders at me I would’ve got a job.

And suggest he paints the fence on his weekend off from his hobby.

1. As others have said, leave him with your child for at least 48 hrs. Also leave a list of everything you would do in those two days - x loads of washing and ironing, tidy and hoover x rooms, etc.
2. Ask him to work out when you get the same amount of time off that he does. If he’s home by 7 and does no cooking or cleaning or laundry, and he’s out at his hobby every weekend, how many hours a week does that equate to? The starting point is that you both get the same amount of time off, and you go from there
3. He’s a selfish prick

He would probably call his mum or sister to come over to help. Happens a lot.

Absolutely you should do the finances. You need to know what’s going on. This is a totally different matter to what you are doing as a sahm. My exdh did all the finances and it was a very sharp learning curve when he left. You need to know exactly what’s going on.

I thought the division of labour seemed pretty fair, until I got to your message about him fucking off on the weekend to do his hobbies.

He needs to be around for his son - if hes out of the house before hes awake and after hes asleep during the week, you'd think he would want time at home with him.

I think he probably doesn’t appreciate what it is like looking after an 18 month old. You say he’s out most of the day and for his hobby at the weekend. I remember this when my DH worked away all week.
As others suggest, arrange some time (like a week) for him to be a stay at home parent and you go on a course or do a weeks work or holiday somewhere.
He will then realise it’s often easier being at work.
Alternatively start planning to return to work

You need to return to work and explain it will then be 50/50 with all things house/garden and child-care related. And no more out most of the weekend. And even if childcare were to be more/a huge chunk of your salary - it should be a shared cost with you both paying equally.

Even being a SAHM, while both at home everything should be shared and team-work.

Straight away I’d stop doing anything for him - no laundry and definitely no making his packed lunch, etc.

Sorry OP but that's horrendous and he is treated you like shit. Even better that the one thing he does do is wash his car but not yours. I would be telling him to do one. Don't push yourself to far. Enjoy being off with your baby and tell your dh he needs to help. You won't be painting the bloody garden fence and he can cancel his hobby! CF

Is he expecting things show home style? When i was at home with two little ones I did almost all the cleaning and washing but it didn't take up that much time, I would just do a bit each day. It didn't stop me taking the kids out etc.

I don't iron though. Dh does his own shirts & i choose clothes that don't need ironing. I don't iron childrens clothes or bedding unless unusually crumpled.

I find it IMPOSSIBLE to do chores with a toddler, I will clean one end of the house and she will be pulling all her clothes out of her drawers at the other end lol. We have a nanny and she tidies a bit and it’s never “perfect” by BY GOD it’s a good sharp reminder on the day I have the baby how much of a miracle it is that it looks so good when she’s on duty because on my day, it’s like a bomb has hit. We couldn’t manage without our cleaner as well, otherwise I’d spend all my downtime cleaning instead of enjoying my toddler (we both work FT compressed hours).

I truly think the only solution is to leave husband and toddler for a few days and you go somewhere - it’s just not possible for him to realise how hard it is to get anything done otherwise (and this needs to be repeated every few months otherwise he will forget).

It’s also shocking that he’s away all weekend as well - that should be your break time.

If you can afford it, I think you could benefit and definitely deserve some household support, a cleaner for a few hours a week to do the big jobs, and childcare once a week so you can have a day to spend on your own, going to the gym/doing a hobby.

I really hope you manage to advocate for yourself because this sounds like a really unfair set up :(

He doesn't know what taking care of a toddler involves. Leave him to it one day and tell him to do the chores you usually do- that will shut him up.

When I was a SAHM I did what I would have expected my husband to do if the situation was reversed. if I was at work all day yes I would not expect to do much when I got home or too much on weekends

I would go back to work. I did. Theres no way I am going to be a house slavr. Or do what many women do in these circumstances. Get a cleaner, buy food from cook anx present it as your own and get an ironing lady.

Also, is the hobby golf? I know quite a few people, including myself where golf ended up being the deal breaker. It's golf or us. My dh gave it up when I threatened to leave. A friend of mines husband was semi pro and it ended up being a golf or us situation. He chose them thankfully and parked up the clubs for a few years when their kids were small. After all the lies he told about how he must stay for the entire day.. 7am till 7pm all day saturday, he finally did tell me most of the men with young kids have given it up or play early and go straight home by 1pm. Dont be a doormat.

Jesus fucking Christ, what have I just read? Does this mean ever actually see the child he created?

His expectations and behaviour are not reasonable. He's a shitty husband and father.

I don’t understand how people claim to not be able to do anything other than work. What did he do before he was married. Surely he went to work and did all other household tasks around his work. I think if you went back to work you’ll likely still find yourself doing all household tasks as well, but at least you’d be in a better position as he doesn’t sound very considerate or aware of what looking after a child involves.

I've never been a sahp but whilst on maternity leave with the kids our routine was like the following. Dh would do 3 night wake ups a week, so Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would do everything child related, laundry, tidy, hoover and make simple meals. As soon as he got in the door he would take over with the kids so he'd feed at least one of them their dinner. Then one of us would tackle the kitchen and the other would get the kids bathed and ready for bed. He then put one to sleep whilst I sorted the other. I would book the food shop but I ordered online.

At the weekends he would cook and we'd do at least one outing as a family. Often I would hoover in the morning and he'd do it again in the evening. We just tackled stuff together. He missed the kids when at work so was never the type to need to decompress when he got in, he just got stuck in. We have always kept finances separate although bills, mortgage etc come out of a shared account.

As a sahp it might well be useful to be aware of how much is coming in and out so I would take on that role. What I wouldn't do is agree to do everything house and child related. He works long hours yes but what is the point if he doesnt spend anytime caring for his child?