AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

What does he think happens in couples where both parents work a decent number of hours? (Which is the case for 95% of all people I know with small children) Genuinely, why does he think he is so insanely busy that he can't manage that when the vast majority of other parents do?

I was a SAHM for nearly 10 years and during that time my husband didn’t dictate to me even once about how I should spend my time nor did he ever complain if things at home didn’t get done. I did what I could and when he got home from work and at the weekend we pitched in together, and we both got child free time if we wanted it. Yes I did the bulk of the home and child related stuff, especially when the kids were at school as I had a lot more free time, but we worked as a team on the whole. And he certainly didn’t bugger off for most of the weekend either, when does this pathetic excuse for a father actually spend time with his kid?

@TraitorsSandwich
Kindly, I did everything because dh had a big job. However, he happily paid for a cleaner and wouldn't have dreamt of expecting me to paint the fucking fence. A man did that.

DH did the bins, the outdoor paintwork and the bills/admin.

DH worked all hours and I did a lot. He didn't take the piss and never questioned one penny of spending. We are equally tight though.

Let me guess… he’s never looked after your child on his own?
He’s treating you like a live in housekeeper rather than a SAHP.

It’s not equal you know that. Are you going back to work? He doesn’t see childcare as a job so to his mind you’re under employed. There’s also an element of treating you like lazy staff. What did you agree when you decided to have a child?

Also as a PP said, when you agreed that you’d stay home, did you discuss ensuring that contributions are made to your pension etc? Have you been compensated for the hit your personal finances are taking due to not working outside of the home?

If you think he’s amenable to discussion, add up your working hours - every moment when you’re not free to do what you want - real free time. Then add up his. Talk to him. If there’s no attempt to meet you halfway and see your point, then you either go back to work full time or part time (and he has to cover the other half of the week (or contribute to childcare costs) and will have to do 50 per cent of all household tasks or a percentage) or you divorce!

What a shit-head OP. His hobby - fuck that

stop doing what you’re doing, then he’ll realise what you actually do day to day.

When does he actually see his child???

I had a part time job 24-28hpw in a role across sites and a commute away) with 3 kids under 7; and ExH used to do a hobby 3 times a week for 6 months of the year. It was easier to do that than stay at home and thankfully I did because we were over within 5 years. He used to claim to want to be the provider but couldn’t/wouldn’t put in the effort to get a job that paid enough.

Please consider this carefully OP - I’m sharing my experience so you can see the importance of having something for yourself.

I am a SAHM with a 2 year old and my partner works full time. He gets up with the toddler and my eldest every morning so I can sleep as they are both terrible sleepers and only want me. He sorts out their breakfast makes me a coffee goes to work come backs and I have done school run laundry cleaning cooking. I make his lunch for work if there are left overs from cooking otherwise he buys food at work. he does the washing up after dinner baths the toddler while I do school work with my eldest then does the bin cleans the kitchen and bathroom while I put the toddler to bed. On weekends Im happy for him to watch football while I do a deep clean and then we do an activity with the kids or make a dinner together. This is what works for us and we are happy with. My eldest is disabled so that takes a lot of my time mentally and physically. If my partner didn't do as much as he did I think id have had a breakdown..

Yeah first you need to go away for a whole weekend. Book it now. When you are away make plans to go back to work? Any man who thinks you can paint a fence with an 18 month old is off his absolute rocker!

He sees you as his subordinate now, not his partner.

People writing how OP going away for a few days being a big 'gotcha!'- men like this would simply neglect the child and leave a huge mess for the woman as punishment.

Why did he want a kid if he doesn't parent and never sees the child?

As PPs have said, get back to employment and consider your future, what you want from life.

This. Make your own money so you no longer need to put up with this shit and you can stop cooking, cleaning and ironing for an entitled bellend who doesn't deserve it.

You take him his lunch? Is the poor thing not capable of making himself a sandwich?
Out all day during the week and out all weekend with his hobbies. What positives does he bring to your life?

Absolutely take hold of the finances, future you will thank you for that one.

When my DH was SAHP, he managed the house during the week and 50/50 at weekends. I just cared that the kids were happy and they were. Occasionally I was resentful, but when he went away for his hobby I realised what a relentless job it was, and how good he was at it. I could have cared less about a fence.

When does he actually do any parenting? Do you have evenings out with friends during the week?

So you’re not a SAHM then?

You’re a NCHALASABUMAAISTF?

(Nanny, chef, housekeeper, accountant, laundrette assistant, shove a broom up my arse and I’ll sweep the floor)

And he’s a cheeky fucker.

Time to go back to work, take a weekend away with friends (and leave nothing prepared for this selfish twat) and take up a hobby that sees you out of the house at least 2 evenings a week.

Nothing wrong with you doing the finances or painting the fence Finances you could do during naps or after bed time and really good to know where you are financially. I do an end of month account every month. I've painted lots of fences in my time just a panel at a time as time allows. What do you do in a day? I know housework and child care but there is lots of time left over broaden your horizons.

OP before reading your full post I came on ready to say that 'yes a SAHP has time to run the home during working hours and do childcare, and do most of the cooking, leaving the family time free for all of you to do things together, and on weekends childcare, washing up etc is shared'. I was about to say you are taking the P, I've been a sahp for 6 years, me and DH now run a business together and do everything else between us when we aren't working, having one parent at home is much easier than having 2 working parents. BUT having read how much you are expected to do all the time with no time off, then I agree he is being unreasonable. Fence painting ia a step too far. To be honest when I was a SAHM I would have done fence painting, but I had the luxury of nursery a day or 2 a week or my PIL on hand to take the LOs out for a few hours so I could crack on. And it was never expected, over the years me and DH have changed our roles but whatever they may be we are a team in everything. He could jot sit watching TV on a weekend while I was cleaning bathrooms with the baby with me in a bouncer for example. And he wouldn't go out all day at the weekend leaving me with a toddler all weekend either. I just know you don't get a single second of child free time to yourself do you? X

Or - if he isn’t amendable to discussion, to treating you with respect and to engaging in being an active spouse amd parent, divorce him and reduce your work accordingly. He thinks his only job is to earn the money and enjoy his activities at weekends. He can do that without you there as his domestic staff and painter .

It may be worth reflecting on the fact that a paid nanny looking after et a young child wouldn’t be expected usually to do all these other jobs and would certainly have spare time.

This

Works long hours during the week, and hobby on the weekends? And, he wants you to do the finances and paint the fence in addition to everything else? The real issue is that instead of your getting enraged, and telling him he's being ridiculous, he's got you questioning whether if you are being unreasonable.

Stop making his lunch and ironing his clothes to start with. This arrangement seems like a 1950s caricature!

Advise him you will be getting a full.time job. He will be paying half of any nursery fees, not to worry though as you're going to keep those costs down by working your hours doing nights (care home, supermarket, you choose) 3x12 hour shifts Friday, Saturday Sunday, so he can have a couple of easy childcare days sat, sun and do all the cooking. Cleaning, finances and shed painting then. You'll continue to cook dinners your non working days and in the evenings of your sham days he can either roll his weight or you'll be doing nothing his said days.

Do not allow this, you working as childcare, housework, chef, personal assistant for him for free and without a break while he does a 9-5. Absolutely not.

Anybody else remember the phrase, "Stick a broom up my arse, I'll sweep the floor as well".

Since when did your DH become king of the fucking universe?