AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

Oh I would definitely do the finances..

But yeah, unless he didn't actually want kids, he's not pulling his weight even remotely, there is more to being part of a team than just going to work each day and expecting everything else to be done for him. When does he actually see his kids?

How would things like meals, laundry, cleaning etc get done if he had no wife at home to do it?

I don’t work. Dh works long hours. My dh still does way more than your dh does. We are renovating. He does the majority. Including landscaping the garden.
I do all childcare, cooking and cleaning. I do all laundry.

also with a young child, some things can slide. Does the fence really have to be painted this year? Or perhaps the two of you could do it together one weekend while your dc naps?

So your jobs is 24 hours a day, but he gets plenty of down time. Nice.

What does he do in the evening? Please don't say you.

Absolutely take on the finances - drop something else. A SAHM should be in control of the finances.

Oh OP. Your job is to parent your 18 month old
to the best of your ability NOT do it all. What an arse.

And do not have any more children with this man!!!

I'm a SAHM to a nearly 2yo and a 5yo who's in school. DH cooks more than 50% of the time. I don't iron. He washes the pots the most. I do most of the washing. He does half of bedtimes. We both do a blitz at the weekend. I'd say it's pretty equal I work while he works and then when we're both home we both work together. Neither of us rests or does our own hobbies while the other works.

You should both have equal rest and hobby time.

When I lived in Germany years ago, the state guidelines attached to the maternity leave payments advised that you were being paid to look after your pre-school child and that was near enough a ft time job and that spouses and partners should expect a cold dinner such as bread, ham and salad in the evening because the sahm wouldn’t have time to cook! 😄

Now while that’s a bit extreme, I do think your dh has expectations from the 1950s Op. As a pp said, his life hasn’t changed much at all since becoming a father. Did you discuss your respective expectations before marriage Op?

You should each be getting a lie in at the weekend and you should be getting at least half a day off and an evening off op.

My dh had a big job, still does, but when I was a sahm, he often did the food shopping, and cooked dinner, he cooked food at weekends for the week ahead, our completely joint finances paid for a cleaner, paid in to my pension fund and for my NI payments.

My dh even got up at night half the time and he took the dc out for a half a day on Saturdays. He gave up his hobby temporarily. There was plenty of time for him to take it up again once the dc were older.

He did this because he took fatherhood seriously and didn’t enter in to it lightly.

I agree with PPS op that you should suddenly invent a family emergency on a Friday, walk out of the door with your suitcase as he walks in and tell him you didn’t have time to write instructions. Stay away for at least four days.

And the minute your dc are old enough to be back in school, head straight back to work Op as serious resentment will have set in by then and you might need to employ a SHL!

I agree that you should be doing the finances. You need to know everything about your finances - getting ready to get your ducks in a row.

I would also be really keen on painting the fence with your child. Let him wear wellies and an apron. People will have to comment on the effect. Casually say “oh DH said I should do it. I had to have DS beside me”.

I agree you should take on the finances, or at least shared access so you can take back some power and see what he’s spending on his hobbies.

I think you should paint the fences. With the tiniest paintbrush in the world, Mr Miyagi style as you master the art. Suggest headphones to drown out the sound of your husband as he finally has to look after his child.

I also suggest you develop IBS and spend lots of time locked in the bathroom.

Can he perhaps work from home too some days to share the reality of looking after a child. My husband is the SAHP and whilst I try to work upstairs, it’s very clear how much supervision is needed.

Is he paying into a pension for you?

Youve fallen prey to the 'i am paying the bills while she doesnt have to work so I expect a maid' husband

Sorry girl - tell him to stop whinging and provide the money for home help like other men can 🙄 since he thinks you arent doing enough x

Does he expect you ready with a pinny and a bow in your hair with a drink, steak and BJ as well. Remind him its no longer the 1920s. What is it with these foul entitled men.

Suggest hiring a cleaner, a childminder and a cook so you have time to paint the fence. His choice.

Expecting you to paint fences with an 18 month old is unrealistic. You should be able to manage finances though, it's mostly online and pretty minimal if you have direct debits set up, probably less time than you would spend on MN. I think it would be good for you to have full knowledge of income and outgoings anyway when you're the SAHP.

I strongly advise you to go back to work. Simply because men with unreasonable expectations about what you should be doing with your time will rarely change them over the longer term, so it’s better to be in work and agree a fair division on an equal basis!

Wtf. 😬
he should paint the fence at the weekend instead of doing his hobbies. The selfishness is unreal. You think women have come so far… then you see posts like this. Its so shit.

You’re doing far too much single-handedly already. I used to go to work for a rest when mine were little.

Taking on the household finances is a very good idea. You need to understand them well and use that knowledge. You can hire people to do the fence, help you around the house when you need etc. Once youre in control of the finances that can be your decision. Make sure you have access to all bank accounts, understand exactly whats coming in and out, where money is invested etc. If he gets worse and you decide you want to leave, that is a good position to be in. Aside from that, start planning how you can get back to work, maybe do some retraining in something that has plenty of well paid jobs. Get a plan together. A husband who'll wash his own car and not yours is not a long term bet.

SAHM dynamic always or usually ends up with this audit of activities. SAHM thinks working parent has it easier and vice versa. I’ve done both and nothing harder than those parents having to cop double duties, paid work outside the home plus unpaid work inside it. Imagine doing all you are and working FT as many have to. You’re working, he’s working and not unreasonable that you sort the family finances when DS sleeping. Single parents often have to do it all, and not that big an ask which makes me think your objection more about wanting your efforts and contributions (already considerable as are his) to be equally valued?

He only does once in a blue moon jobs and you do all day everyday jobs.
just say no and don’t discuss it for the other stuff draw a line.

He has no idea what looking after an 18 month old entails because it sounds like his never done it.

You should book a weekend away and leave him some jobs to do at the same time as keeping your child alive and see how he gets on and what state the house is in when you return.

Is it though? With the fence. I decorated a whole house including painting it single handed and studied when DC not yet a year old, others will have even more amazing tasks to cite…like you say family finances are finite…I’d add the ask is limited, not that taxing, pay rent/mortgage, council tax, utilities and comms, then make sure insurance is updated annually etc. not exactly that time consuming or rocket science. Harder to stay on hold and press a number when on phone for choices when you are at home vs when at paid work.