AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

Make sure it coincides with in laws holidays / busy times so he can’t be bailed out.

Maybe he should also leave for the week and let OP deal with all he has to at work? See if she too can sink or swim? Both are contributing but OPs contribution is no more no less… swings both ways. Work is not a jolly either.

There is a big difference between being a sahm to a toddler and a school aged child. With the latter, yes something like painting the fences isn’t unrealistic and you’d expect the sahp to be sorting pretty much of the household tasks. With the former, I imagine you’re running around trying to get everything else done during nap time and adding in DIY is going to be too much. With a child that age, you’re there to look after them.

I think you basically need him to try and look after the toddler during a weekend while painting a fence and see how that goes for him. Be very careful having a second if he already has it in mind that you need to do everything and he doesn’t engage with the one child you have.

You have an 18 month old - that’s a full time job!

I’d bet my mortgage he still wouldn’t share the load and he’d expect OP to pay for nursery.

I hope you get time to do your hobby!!

it sounds like he haven’t looked after his kid for a whole day, let alone a whole week!! Ask him to book AL then during that time to and book yourself a nice break for your “hobby”

Does he even want a family?? Sounds like he doesn’t see his kid or you much.

Can I just ask, how many hours a week do you get to pursue your hobbies?

You need to have a discussion with him about working hours and free time. He needs to be stepping up more at the weekends and giving you some free time.

He's entirely unreasonable. I'm a SAHM and do far less than you. My partner pulls his weight and understands that looking after a toddler is a job in itself, especially when they no longer nap. It would be another story if your child was at school or nursery all day.

Put your LO in nursery and get yourself a job with the equivalent hours your DH does, then you can tell your DH that he'll be doing 50/50 of the parenting and chores at home.

an overnight trip for you, so he can spend some time with his child that he clearly barely sees. And he should of course make sure house is sparkling and finances sorted when you return.

Start employing people
Cleaner/Ironer
Gardener
Odd job man for fence painting and similar jobs
If H objects go on strike!

And does he have down time built into his long working day? Like a time to have a cup of coffee, lunch away from his desk, conversation with other adults, f going to the toilet on his own? Or does he like you do as soon as there is a quiet moment in the day immediately pick up another job that needs doing.

He might work hard, but your job is both hard and RELENTLESS. Has he ever looked after your child all day, on his own, without a wing man hovering? Has he ever tried to do something that needs concentration with a small human dogging his moves, asking questions, standing right behind him, asking more questions, crashing into the back of his legs, wanting a poo NOW Daddy, wanting to be picked up,wanting to help, crying for no reason, needing a drink, wanting a cuddle, asking more questions……

Who does he think he is delegating you tasks whilst he's out enjoying his hobby at the weekend. Honestly, the actually audacity of him. Entitled fuck

Go back to work. Why would you want to be financially dependent on another person who shows your such little respect?

It would be doable with a baby Under 1. An 18 month toddler is completely different. Mine were anyway, happily entertained themselves with a play mat and some sensory toys until they could walk, then it felt like a full time job stopping them seriously harming themselves and they needed a lot more attention and stimulation.

So do you get a reciprocal big chunk of childfree time at the weekend for you ? If not then this is very unfair.
he has crazy demands and no idea about toddler mom life.
Your child’s sleep needs will only drop as they grow, then they drop daytime napping so you won’t even have their nap time to get things done.

presumably if he’s working a stressful busy job he gets well paid- time to get a cleaner and definitely someone in to do painting work. You cannot do it all.

I think washing his own car but not yours shows what a petty twat he is. Imagine if you only cooked for yourself and not him? Because that's what's doing.

So hes at work for 5 days and then spends two days doing his hobby ?

When do you get to do yours?

Many moons ago, I became a stay at home wife ( Breakdown ) no children, yes I did the shopping, cooking washing, cleaning and ironing. I did take over the paper work , but I didnt have children. DH also came home and did his bit as well, maybe not a weekday, but the weekend, he would be working on the garden, cleaning the car, mowing the lawn - and painting the fences

Now we are both part time, I still do the washing , cooking, ironing, but Ill be dammed if I do all the cleaning and DH is still the one who does the majority of the garden work and does all house maintenance . DH cant cook - seriously Id rather not eat, but he can load, switch on and unload both the dishwasher and washing machine. He knows how to vacuum, clean windows, reaches the bits
Id need a step for . Most Saturdays I have commitments early morning and can get home to find hes run the vac over, made the kitchen sparkle and the beds have been stripped

You are your Childs mother, not his. You are his wife, therefore an equal partner . Two adults in the house, two adults responsible for the upkeep and running of it

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you op. I get what it’s like to have a husband who works long hours, mine is the same insofar as he’s gone before the children are awake and back long (long!!) after they’re asleep this time of year (a few months in the winter it’s more like a 6-7pm finish, what a treat 😂) and he doesn’t have many weekends at home either so everything falls to me, BUT he’s working at the weekends too, not having leisure time, so it’s not exactly the same. Such is agriculture unfortunately, but the biggest difference is that he doesn’t expect anything, is endlessly grateful and appreciative of what I do get done, complimentary about how I am doing as a mum and he certainly isn’t whinging that I should do more.
Honestly I struggle to see what the point of your husband is at the moment, other than financial, he’s being quite awful really. Suggestions of fucking off for a weekend are good, but would it last? Anyway, it’s one thing to do a weekend and quite another to do it every single day without fail for months which roll into years. I’d be having a fairly hard chat I think. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

I'm a SAHM. My husband does the laundry.

Go back to work
And have a hobby for yourself

At the end of mat leave my friend took a lovely weekend off, stayed solo in a hotel and left her DH struggle. I'm sure his mum helped. He was horrendous when she was home with the baby. Needless to say she does this once every few months now as a reminder. Plan a girls weekend, plan a solo weekend, just make him remember that he is actually a dad, not a part time dad.

I guess here is another question. Are you doing his washing? If you are, stop it immediately.

Time to look at nurseries and get back to work.
Even if it is just a threat.

I would be wanting him to look after dc and paint a fence. I would like him to explain how you did that whilst looking after an 18month child who if they are anything like mine were at that age are into everything.

The fact that he isn’t around even during the weekend says a lot.
He hasn’t a clue.

You are a SAHM when is your hobby time. When do you get to clock off.
Even if it is a temporary job I do think that he needs to see the reality of looking after his child.

I used to go out every day because it meant the house was easier to clean in the evening when they were in bed. (Now exh worked away 3 weeks in every 4)

I did do the household finances purely because I had the time to compare comparison sites and cash back sites and voucher codes etc to make the money go further and see where every penny was going.

I would consider divorce and given 50/50 is the starting point (this would include all pensions, savings, investments, businesses, equity in the matrimonial home etc) you might be able to keep the home as a trade off for him keeping his pension etc

Wish I had divorced exh years before as we were living separate lives and when he finally looked up from his work and hobbies and wanted to live as a “proper family” we were effectively strangers and dc and I had made our own lives without him

The relationship is unbalanced, he earns all the money you do the household chores. It seems to work for some folk but not everybody.