AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

Golf?!

You are definitely doing your share.

When, if ever, do you get a huge chunk of time at the weekend for your hobby?

Where does this strange thinking come from that household chores stop when you get home? What would he do if he was single and you weren’t there to do it all? You look after your boy through the day, try do some tasks whilst he’s napping and ensure there’s a cup of tea and a generously buttered crumpet for yourself. When DH gets home you share 50:50 of what’s left (tonight my DH did the rest of the half filled dishwasher, the bins, some house finance and cleared the table, highchair and kitchen away, bedtime routine with our toddler) Yours needs a large helping of SAHPing 🙄 or you get a cleaner and a handyman

wow you do A LOT!! Don't forget to enjoy the time with your little one, that is my priority above all. A super tidy house is not happening. As long as it is reasonably clean. And the finances? Can't be that much surely?

I would do the finances. Not being aware of where money is going or not having access to it is a trap for women who stay at home with DC (hate SAHM). Paint the fence while he does some week-end childcare.

Fucking wow. With baby at 18 months I would be at the come to Jesus talk where I left for at least a weekend and he shopped cooked cared for baby tidied up and painted the fucking fence and I would say condescendingly but I’ll put my own clothes away so you don’t have to worry about that nor do you have to clean my car, Im a big girl and I’ll help my family out by washing my own car.
then when I got back I’d say this is what I’ll be doing every weekend unless you tell me the 2-3 nights a week you’re cooking the meal you planned and you rearrange your hobby because you’ve remembered you have a family and you care about them. Otherwise you’ll have every second weekend to solo parent ds and I doubt you’ll be doing much hobby or painting any fucking fences. I am going to have time out to me every single weekend for quite some time while this new plan settles and you recover your marriage, and at a minimum until my loving husband washes my car instead of just his own.

the only way I’d be painting that fence is if we were divorced and it’s my house now and I had child free weekends because he has actually had to be a parent and I’d tell him that.

So you are both working and he gets to rest at the weekends and in the evenings while you continue to work....

Walk out on Sat morning before he is up and then enjoy a peaceful day....turn your phone off too!

Personally with that division of labour and the fact he does not seem to appreciate what you do I would return to work and make him do his fair share of looking after his child. Men who expect their SAHW to do everything while he gets to come home and put his feet up and be waited on make me sick. At the weekend make him do his fair share and in the evenings. I would be happy to sort out finances as I think you need to make sure you know about this but f*ck fence painting. What are you supposed to do with your child while you are painting fences? Or I tell you what why don't you paint fences at the weekend while he watches his child.

Go away for 3-4 days and don't leave him any meals cooked etc. He just needs to know how intense it is looking after an 18 month old. He is clueless.

You should have roughly the same amount of leisure time each per week. Disappearing off for large chunks of the weekend meaning you have to no time to yourself is not on.

He's taking the piss

When do you do your hobby?

When he comes home, domestic life is 50/50

So the least he can do are the finances

Are you planning on going back to work?

Well if you take over the finances, you could cut his hobby fund and use the money to pay to get the fences to be painted.

Car admin?
What?

He does realise you’re not a SAHM to him right?

Bloody hell you'd be better off as a single parent with him having the baby at weekends at this rate..what you do is madness and him wanting more he never sees his child as it is ..you need to have a conversation with this man seriously and/or think about going back to work to get a life for yourself ..good luck

All saying leave him with the child. Mmm that wouldn’t work cos he’ll get his mum or her mum to do it saying she sodded off and poor me bollocks.

or worse neglect said child and you’d come back to a shit tip

question @TraitorsSandwich has he ever been left with said child

You have plenty on your plate.
However taking over the family finances is a brilliant idea from a strategic point of view. At least then you know what's what, how much savings/expenses is going where. Puts you in a much less vulnerable position.
However he should make his own lunch, don't do that.

Lol, then tell him once you get a big chunk of the weekend off to persue your hobby, then you'll see about painting the fence.

Petrol, yearly service, mot, insurance. Cleaning inside and out x 2 cars

I think it's time that some bright spark developed an app that analysed what each person does during waking hours and whether they're considered to be equal or not.

What was your relationship like before you had your child - how did household chores work then, assume you were working? Did he disappear at weekends before?

Obviously SAHM's don't appear to be pulling their weight, and fathers just carry on doing what they did. What's the answer? I think the majority of men these days think their job is done once the positive pregnancy test is achieved - like I've helped mankind by reproducing, my job is done' 🙄

He thinks you could paint a fence while minding an 18 month old???? he doesn't spend a lot of time alone with his child does he.

Take over the finances.

Think long and hard if this is how you want to live (personally I'd go back to work). As a housekeeper to a rich person you'd be paid for doing what you do and would get weekends off and more respect.

He should be helping at the weekends. It is in your interest to handle the finances as a SAHM. He should wash your car as well as his own and you can't paint fences and supervise a child. Perhaps get a cleaner in exchange for taking on the finances. Doing them will give you some control. I definitely would not resist this.

What worked for us at weekends was one parent having a lie on on Saturday and the other on the Sunday. My DH was useless at general housework but even during the week he was happy to do anything child related such as nappy changing or bath time. YANBU but doing the finances is in your interest as a SAHM. It's advice my own mother gave me.

It still works, because the op gets some downtime then she also gets to say fuck off with your demands, and your dinner’s in the pantry waiting to be cooked, you can’t even look after your child so I’m certainly not looking after our child and also being your slave. You can cook for yourself and look after yourself like the single man you act like you are.

@TraitorsSandwich You absolutely should take over the finances in this situation. As part of getting your ducks in a row and leaving the bastard. Would your life really honestly change that much with him sleeping somewhere else, doesn’t sound like it. Well, you’d have less of his moaning and wouldn’t have to do his washing at least!

And the last time DH walked into another department and told them that they weren’t doing enough, he could give them more work to do and he received a warm welcome was when, exactly? No, that has never, ever happened.

Because that’s what you are - you are another department (or more than one, actually - wife, mother, housekeeper) and he has no idea how your department functions.