AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

How do the men that behave like this, not understand that they are teaching their wives to be self sufficient single mothers?
He is going to work & doing his hobby at the weekend, when exactly is he parenting? Being a SAHM means caring for your child/ren & fitting in anything else that works in your particular circumstances. It doesn't mean doing everything with no breaks, & him swanning off at the weekends to do as he pleases.
I do the laundry, husband hangs it out before he goes to work, teens take it down, I fold & distribute. He makes his own lunch. He puts the 8 year old to bed every night & gives me some quiet time to myself (she has additional needs). He has long days & a long commute & he gets up early every Saturday mornings to clean the kitchen down. I clean both bathrooms on Fridays. The point is, it's team work, & he doesn't expect me to do absolutely everything, just because I'm at home (carer to a complex needs teen).

What the fuck is even the point of him? He clearly thinks you are staff and can't even be bothered to spend time with his family on the weekend. I would not put up with this. He's lazy and entitled and doesn't value his family

So he is a part-time husband and an absent father? There absolutely has to be a better division of labour. He is being extremely inconsiderate and insensitive. In the meanwhile, can you get a cleaner, so certain tasks are off your list?

Go back to work. Share everything equally.

This.

what is doing finances?

Suggest he work weekends so there is enough money to pay for all the work he wants done

He sounds like an asshole. Why are you making his lunch for him? He washes his car but not yours. That’s all we need to know. You’re his unpaid nanny and cleaner. Now he’s asking for a maintenance woman too.

Why are you ok for him to go out at the weekend all the time? He is walking all over you.

And yes I’d start doing the finances. So I could sort them out for leaving him.

Ffs @TraitorsSandwich, why are you accepting this as your life?!

Your husband does fuck all and it’s unacceptable.

All this ‘big man with the big stressy job’ bullshit is exactly that… bullshit.

So he does nothing all week and then fucks off into his hobby all weekend?

Woman up and get him told. He’s taking the absolute piss out of you.

Take controlof the finances yes
Hire a full time nanny
Go back to work
Stop making dh lunch for a start

You need to do this - he doesn't understand your day to life and challenges - make him understand and then he will backtrack.

I hope you get the same hobby time as him

Do the finances. Also start reading about pensions and saving. Do something like Rebel Finance and start thinking about family but also your finances. This man who is so busy with his big important job and hobbies seems to have missed off the actually import roles of father and husband. Doing the finances would be very sensible and a good strategy so you are clear on all assets and income.

I’ve not read the full thread but does your husband make sure you have time and money for yourself?

If there was time and money for me to have my own self care; hair, beauty treatments, hobbies, clothes I like and feel good in then would be ok with taking on the day to day childcare and household tasks.

However if there wasn’t that time and money there for my things I absolutely wouldn’t be happy.

My husband says he’s “ Doing the finances “ or “ I’m doing my money “
And yes I know when things are up for renewal then it takes a little bit of time to do some research to see if we need to change providers etc but he really makes such a performance .
He also goes on about how he does the garden , which involves mowing the lawn once a week from May to September.
Whereas I do absolutely everything else which is several times a day , every day for some tasks .
And I’m caring for a disabled child which in itself involves extra appointments and admin over and above what is necessary for a mainstream non disabled child .
Dont let him leave you with any more chores than you already have .
in fact he ought to help on weekends with tasks

And outsource the painting, weekly clean, pay for a car wash etc.

And here is the problem with being a sahm - I did it for 7 years until youngest was in year R. Although I enjoyed my time with the children at home I feel I lost my identity a bit and also all the house and kids fell to me - which I understood to a point as my husband worked away alot, but had to delegate strongly when he came home.
I used to say I havent got doormat written across my forehead, I wasn’t when you married me and I’m not about to become one now we’ve had kids and I’m not working. I should say my husband is lovely, just quite thoughtless at times!

Taking over the household finance management is very much in your interest, jump at that one. It’s not hard and you will see what’s going on. DIY is a shared responsibility on weekends or get someone in

He’s being unreasonable. I’m a SAHM and I manage our finances, but we have a cleaner and a gardener and if our fence needed painting I’d hire someone to do it. My DP also does a lot more than your DH (he does all the ironing, for example). I think your DH needs to walk in your shoes for a week and see how he feels.

yes I think he’s incredibly lucky to have you… Wow! You do so much. I’m recently a SAHM to my 3 month old and I barely get a chance to do any of those things. I make dinner / clear up when husband gets back but I’ve been wondering when I’m going to get time to iron? I wish I could do more! Because my babies wake window is just over an hour and he can get fussy if he’s not being constantly entertained so I’m feeling like a useless SAHM but the priority is obviously him and not the laundry at the mo… when were you able to start doing all of those things?

I don’t think making lunch for your husband is bad at all! I used to do it everyday before we just had our baby…

Who the heck voted YABU?

Everyone else has already covered it pretty comprehensively: your DH is a selfish dickhead.

Also, I work but anytime I’m alone in the house with my son it ends up looking worse than it started! So I don’t understand how anyone gets anything done when looking after a child, let alone the insane list of chores you’ve got.

Go away for a whole weekend (Friday through till Sunday evening) and let DH be in sole charge of your baby. No help from anyone else either! Oh and don't forget to give him his daily chores list to include painting the bloody fence..... 🙄🙄

Nope nope nope.
Hes working (let’s say) 50 hours a week. at work. For the family.
You are working 50 hours a week. At homes for the family.

You are also doing, let’s say, 4 hours each evening. Plus 20 hours over the weekend.
You are also doing, let’s say, 6 hours at night time per week.

So actually you are working a lot more hours than him.
I hope he is paying your pension contributions. He should also be giving you money to live and save.

How much would it cost for someone to do 80 hours of domestic help / childcare per week??
if he gives you shit, you give him an invoice for that.

He’s a shit partner. Unfortunately there are many about, and society doesn’t teach women or men, the real value and cost of having children.

Im so so glad you are married!!! This is why women should get married before having children and especially if you are planning on taking on more than 50% of the childcare. Absolutely insist he pays pension contributions for you (the same as his private or company) and mean it. Make sure your NI is up to date so you have full pension contributions for the state pension aswell as a private pension which is paid into from your household budget.

You should absolutely do the finances so you know what's in them. This is a good opportunity to make sure the family money is handled in a way that is fair to you. It is also good exercise for your brain. Looking after small children can be very fulfilling and extremely mind-numbing. Doing the finances will keep you in practice.

However, given that you are already run off your feet doing everything else, I suggest you outsource something. Maybe the ironing?

I doubt your husband will say "yes" to outsourcing anything. The bigger issue here is that it sounds like he thinks you don't do anything all day. He assumes you have free time and can fit in a few more things, which is far from the truth. So, that is what you really have to deal with. You being asked to do the finances is not the problem. Your husband inaccurately judging that you are sitting around all day, and piling even more work on you, is the problem.