AIBU to think DH’s SAHM expectations are too much?

[TraitorsSandwich]

I’m a SAHM to an 18 month old, I love being at home with him but I’m struggling to keep up with DH’s expectations of me being at home and I’m just wondering if he’s expecting too much ?

DH does work long hours in a stressful job so he’s out the house early and back after DS goes to sleep so 100% of the day to day childcare is on me.

I do all the cleaning, laundry, ironing (although DH does put his laundry away), all the tidying, clearing up after dinner etc, running errands, I make DH’s lunch to take into work. Once in a blue moon DH will cook dinner but usually a bbq so I’ve still done everything aside from the meat.

DH does the gardening, washes his car (not mine tho!!) and managing the household finances. I’m sure he would say there are other things he does but on a day to day basis I can’t really think of them off the top of my head.

Anyway, he’s started saying I should also be doing the household finances as he doesn’t have the time during the working day to be sorting it all out. Also things like our garden fences need painting and he thinks I should be doing that too.

i feel like I’m barley keeping on top of what I need to do anyway - I’m lucky that DS does a decent nap in the day but when he’s awake it’s impossible to get anything done unless I stick him in front of the tv which I don’t really want to be doing the whole time. AIBU to think I’m doing more than my fair share ? I feel like DH thinks I’ve got the whole working day to be sorting the house out when in reality it’s full on with our boy.

Well he should also be doing come cooking and housework at the weekends (or whenever he has a day off) as well as sharing child care 50/50 at that point. So I don't see why you need to take on anything else. How much time do the finances need?! Surely this is just sticking the mortgage statement in a folder once a year?
As for painting fences with an 18 month old "helping" - he's off his rocker 😂

Man that’s a lot!! I am a sahm (albeit to 3 small children). I dont wash iron or put away my husbands clothes.

I do all other laundry, no ironing, all cooking and cleaning. He might empty the dishwasher once a fortnight. He mows the lawn, does all car admin and all financials (against my preference I want to do household finances). You are doing a lot! He wants a fence painted - he should pay someone to come and do it.

Book yourself a night away somewhere and leave DH with DS and a list of chores to get done.

I think most of the housework and cooking is fair enough but looking after a toddler is not easy so nobody should be expecting your house to be perfect. Painting a fence while looking after an 18 month old at the same time is something only someone who has never looked after an 18m old alone would suggest

He’s out for a big chunk of the weekend doing his hobby so it that all falls on me still - he might Hoover or empty the dishwasher but rarely !

Get him to take 5 days annual leave, during which you are out of the house all day. Ensure he does everything you are expected to do. Ask him how he found it.

or go back to work. If you don’t and he leaves you, then you have no pension built up, no personal savings.
both work full time. Share everything 50%.

The thing that always gets forgotten is your DH has a job that stops when he comes home and has holidays and weekends. Whereas a SAHP does not get anytime off.

Honestly? He’s an entitled prick with no understanding of what you actually do. I would explain how things need to change to make it fairer on you or go back to work

Another fucking Prince of a man.

Doing his hobby doesn’t count. House and family priorities come before a hobby

my Dh works 12 hour days 5 days a week and still does all the cooking and activity runs for the kids (on the days he’s not working) and he does the bins and bits around the house

He's treating you as free labour rather than a mother and wife.

He spends lots of his weekend at a hobby as well? When does he even see his child? Do you ever get similar time to do things just for you? What does he do then?

He needs a does of reality

You should leave him with your 18mo for a weekend and see how much spare time he has to do all these extra things.

Does long hours in a stressful job equate to being well paid? If so get a cleaner 😂

Painting a fence with an 18mo sounds very difficult (and unsafe) unless you do it during nap times only and it takes weeks.

You’re doing your fair share already, sounds like need to get someone in to paint the fences etc if he’s not got the energy left to do it, get your car washed at the car wash. Fair enough you taking over the household finances. I do it on phone while getting toddler to sleep

Honestly what does he bring to your life? He treats you like his personal staff and never sees his child?

Also what time do you have for hobbies OP? It sounds like your DHs life hasn’t changed at all since having a child.

When does he see your child? Sounds like never. I see my friend's kids more than this.

Yep he needs to be cutting back on his hobby if he can't keep up with his husbandly responsibilities. But honestly? He sounds like a dick and I would be rapidly losing interest in him if I were you.

Go back to work - this will only get worse

I do admit that when I was a sahm I did everything that you do plus the finances and minus painting the fence (wtf?). The difference is my dh didn’t Expect it, ever.

Has he ever had to spend a couple of entire days looking after your son? I mean completely (you away for the weekend for example)? I'd recommend you make that happen ASAP. Not as punishment, but so that he can truly understand what a full day with an 18 month old is like. It will get you on the same page re expectations. E.g the ridiculous fence painting suggestion! Or tell him that yes you can paint the fence and do finance analysis at the weekend if he looks after your child, to enable you to complete those tasks?

I was always in charge of the household finances.

in the early days, I used to put a pound coin in hubbys lunchbox daily, three on Friday as that’s all we had.

As things got easier, all monies were still paid into the current account and direct debited/standing ordered, and we used to get £50 each every Friday in our personal accounts for unaccountable activities with friends etc.

Fruends of mine tell me their husbands would not go to work with lunch and one whole pound coin - but that’s all we had. Will your husband be happy like that?

He can’t know how hard all that is unless he does it himself, some people are like that. I would go away for a weekend and leave him to it, see what he thinks when you get back. I did this and it worked a treat!

Go back to work
unless he’s putting money aside for you in a pension which I doubt
plus when does he actually see his child cos I think it’s never or very very little.

When does your DH see his son if he leaves for work before he wakes up and returns after he's in bed and then spends most of the weekend on his hobby?

Does he even have a relationship with your baby?

He’s a lazy selfish prick.

Bin him off and definitely don’t have more children with him.

Or if you’re feeling more charitable, give him a week in charge of absolutely everything. Every job you do, he does.

Leave him a full list or he’ll conveniently ‘forget’ most jobs.

You go out every day then waltz back in expecting your dinner and slippers like a 50s husband.

Then bin him.

What does ‘doing the finances’ actually involve? Other than sorting out mortgage renewal?

What is the actual point of him anyway? Sounds like he’s never home and never sees his child.