AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

You poor love, that is a LOT. I am very glad your foster family are supporting you.

Just RTFT (your posts)...my God, you poor thing. I'm so sorry that something that should have been such a happy time has been ruined by these vile scummy people. How dare they look down on you! I'm so glad that you have your wonderful FPs, and that the police are paying attention! Keep looking after yourself and being the awesome mum that you're being.

I'm sending you so much love. It's not easy being a single parent but I speak from experience when I say that it's a million times easier being a single parent than being with someone like your ex (and ex ILs!). My two kids are older now, but we have a wonderful life and surround ourselves with lovely people. I'm happy being single and plan to remain so xx

Agreed. I don't usually get angry at anonymous people on the internet but the fact that there are, presumably women, on this thread saying OP should have bounced back more by now is so disappointing.

Who cares if someone you know was doing cartwheels twenty minutes after their C Section, OP has clearly described how she is feeling, why minimise that?

I speak as someone who has had 2 C sections, one emergency and one planned and both times were totally different.

You are stronger than you think OP, we're all rooting for you x

I've just read your thread. How horrific. I just wanted to say, I hope you and baby are OK and well done for being so strong. I wish you all the best, sincerely.

Bless you sweetheart, you really have been through it with that family of cranks haven't you? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
How strong you are to have left him and stood your ground! It would have been easy to stay, keep quiet and let them walk over you, but you didn't. You are so much tougher than you think.

The assault is absolutely disgusting. I hope you and your foster mum are ok ❤️
Looks like they've ruined their little plan of getting full custody by doing this though!

I don't have any advice for you really, other than stick with your foster family, they sound incredible, I'm so glad you have their support.

My main reason for commenting was really just to send you a huge virtual hug. You are doing a wonderful job of protecting your baby. I'm a stranger but I'm proud of you.

                 🫶

If the message from this woman is true I'd assume your MIL has no idea what the reality of healing post c section is like, and hasn't taken into consideration that anyone who has major surgery under general anaesthetic would be struggling to care for a new born on their own only a few weeks later.

Your husband's unreasonable for not communicating this to his mum.

I don't know what the family celebration was, but if it was important for him to be there, it's his responsibility to make sure there's someone available to support you. I understand you haven't got parents around to help but I've stayed with my single friend when she had a newborn, I spent days and evenings with my sister when my BIL wasn't able to be home to help her in those early days. You need a village and it's OK to ask for help.

He should've been the one to help you find that help though.

The report that the MIL has suggested you "can't cope" and he should apply for "custody" is fucking mental and you need to look into exactly what's happened there. That shit is toxic and needs stomping out. It implies that parenting is about possession NOT nurturing and that she's more concerned about the power her son has than telling him that his role as a father in these early days is to love and SUPPORT, to care and to be the practical help you need to help you heal physically.

Back to my fist sentence, my mate's mum was bitching to me that my mate should be doing more for herself and she was taking the piss by expecting me to do her washing and make her food and whatnot. I very firmly told her mum that her daughter had just had major surgery and wasn't able to lift a heavy wash basket. It is not the same as a vaginal birth. (I was sore after my V births, for well over a month after my first and it was truly shit that my husband had to return to work after a week paternity but that doesn't mean that I was incapable of being a mum forevermore.)

No, he absolutely cannot do that! He has neglected you whilst you are doing your very best in awful circumstances. No one is going to take your baby from you. Please chat to your GP or health visitor ( do they still have them) and put your worries to rest.

Yikes. Post emergency c-section it’s very normal.

I was hospitalised again at 4 and 7 weeks after birth 1 with complications.

A few years later I was in an ambulance 6 weeks post section of birth 2.

It’s horrendous surgery. I recently had shoulder surgery (which was no where near as complicated as a c-section) and was told to lift nothing heavier than a small handbag for 6 months….

OP, the lack of support here by your DH and your MILs behaviour is appalling. Think long and hard about staying. If my DIL had been brought up in care and I knew, I’d be supporting her every step of the way as a new mum to help her feel the best she could be.

Custody?? She’s a joke.

Honestly your MIL is awful for still asking him to go when you have just had a baby (never mind the c section) and he is awful for going to anything beyond a couple of hours. But I guess when you have a baby guys sometimes start to show their true colours. Sorry you are going through this. I would have a serious conversation with him when he comes home.

I've just read your thread op and I'm in awe of how strong you are, you've handled this all so much better than I could have done. Your foster mum sounds like a legend too.

Fwiw I was so crippled after my first c section and could not cope alone for any length of time, my dh took a full 6 months off work and had to be a carer for me as well as look after the baby. I hobbled hunched over for weeks. I barely did anything except breastfeed on the sofa and eat ready meals. You're doing amazingly.

I'm so sorry you were assaulted, I really hope you and the baby are ok... it's kind of good that your ex and his mum have shown their true colours for the police so you can be kept safe. No way they can get custody of the baby now or try to argue you're an unfit mum.

And someone said this already but it sounds like your foster family sound like a perfect supportive family who look out for each other, and it's the ex who has a dysfunctional family.

Oh my goodness OP. I hope though that this makes you 100% clear, in case you were ever wavering, that he is not a good man. You do not need him in your life. In fact, him assaulting you two - though horrific and no doubt emotionally scarring - is more proof for the courts that he can't be trusted with your baby. That at least is an upside.

You need to be remembering that this is not about you. This man and his mother clearly have a desperate need for control and you have taken their power by not begging after him and choosing to leave yourself. They can't bear it. You have proven yourself so far to be an excellent mother, despite poor role modelling from your birth mother, and a strong woman. Don't let him and his horrible family drag you down with them.

What a disgusting creature

@Loopylou5 start your own thread.

@MajorProcrastination please do OP courtesy of reading her posts. Just press 'see all' under her first post.

So sad for you, what a horrible family you got involved with. You and your precious baby will be better off away from them and I hope with all my heart you meet someone who deserves you. Sending you love and strength. x

You're a strong strong woman OP and you will get stronger as you stand up to these lowlifes.

I hope that with the support of your FP you're able to enjoy your baby 🌹

That's awful, stay safe with your FPs.

Thank goodness you have been so brave and strong dealing with this and getting away from him. You're doing an absolutely amazing job.

His true colours were always going to come out and you and your baby could have been trapped with this violent and despicable man.

@RudaRudoRude - thank you so much for the update. I am sorry you have had to go through so much at what should have been a wonderful time for you to bond with your baby. I am so glad you have your wonderful FP looking after you and I hope that your ex did not cause your FM and you lasting damage by his assault. Ultimately, as pp have already said, it may well turn out to be “good” for you as under these circumstances there is no way he and his mother can claim that they are in the least bit eligible for sole custody of your baby. I should imagine if he is allowed to see the baby at all in future, it would be under supervised contact in a contact centre.
Good luck, I hope your baby is also doing better.

I have now. In my defence, there was a lot in the original post so I didn't think I needed to hunt for a drip feed. I know the follow ups aren't drip feeding, it's more and things which happened since the original post.

But from the other more recent responses, I'm not the only one to be only responding to the initial post and question.

OP, I'm so glad to hear that your foster parents are wonderful and a good support for you. I'm sorry about the stress you had with the police visit but I'm glad (and not surprised) that it was obvious that you're doing an amazing job as a loving mum AND that the call they'd received was vindictive harassment. I'm sorry for not fully understanding the whole context when I replied earlier today.

@MajorProcrastination - it also helps if you check to see the date of the first post before replying immediately to it. If there is a sudden flurry of posts over a month later, as with this thread, it will usually be because there has been a more recent update.

What awful behaviour from MIL and your very weak excuse of a husband. All for a wedding anniversary! You have the MIL from hell I am sorry to say. Part of me feels that she wants her son back and with her grandson too. I just hope not. Life is hard enough without a scheming, nasty MIL who has her son under her thumb still and probably always will. This is a big betrayal to you at such a vulnerable time. I feel so sorry for you. You are going to have to learn to stand on your own two feet for you and your baby because he is such a weak man. I really doubt this will be the only time she will cause trouble. Personally I would have been very ashamed of my son if he did this. I hope that he may realise how unkind, unsupportive and useless he has been as a husband and also as a Father. My best wishes to you x

I've RTFT OP and just want to send you so much love - you've been through such an ordeal. So glad you've got the support of your ff. I really hope you can eventually move back home with your little one if it's safe to do so.

I don't know if you've been put in touch with your local domestic abuse services/victim support, but there are services out there that can give you some additional support, if you need it. Happy to give you a few ideas by PM if you need it, but no pressure (I work vaguely in this area, so happy to help if I can).

Thinking of you - I hope you are finding space to enjoy little one and recover well from the birth, through all of this 💐

Yeah - I just saw it popped up on the "trending", read the headline and the post and answered.

Op you are doing so well is such difficult circumstances, pleased you've got FP support to help you through this. Very glad they've been charged and hopefully you can get a restraining order.

You said the MIL is Italian (born in the UK). Consult a solicitor to check if your baby is eligible for Italian citizenship, because with the correct paperwork, your STB ex husband could apply for citizenship and then an Italian passport. Does he himself have Italian citizenship ie passport? Italian authorities consider a child born to an Italian parent automatically Italian themselves. Meloni is changing how many generations back this can go, but I'd work on assumption your MIL is Italian, thus so is your husband.

That said, he'd need your permission to obtain this passport, and also to renew his own passport (once there are children involved, both parents have to authorise).