not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

She needs to learn how to address this with her dh rather than asking you to be a substitute wife.

Maybe it’s time for an honest conversation with her about how she needs to reevaluate her life and marriage if she feels she can’t go away and leave her husband and father of her children alone with the kids and house.

My sister wants to start going away more. So I can't say I am 'sick' everytime.

neither should you.

Hold your ground OP.

If your sis doesn't go on the trip that's not your fault. She chose to have children with the useless bloke.

Please don't let them guilt trip you.

That is a shame. But it is not your problem or
responsibility to resolve.
She and/ or her husband should be ashamed of themselves - whichever one thinks he is not capable of parenting his own children. Or has allowed him(self) to get into a position where is incapable.

“Sis, I’m sure he can cope with his own kids for a weekend. What would happen if something happened to you?”.

She needs to be having that awkward conversation. It’s her marriage, her kids, her useless husband. As others said, I’d offer to come round if he wants a helping hand for a few hours but I wouldn’t be taking over. He needs to grow up.

I think I’d say yes but then flake on the day to make sure that he has to step up and not just ask someone else. Or pop right between meal times but disappear any time it looks like you’ll be asked to do wife work.

Your sister had 4 kids. Surely she realised nobody wants to look after that many for her? Het days of going away are a long way off, especially if her partner is so useless.

If they live locally enough to you, I would consider offering to take them somewhere like a park, so that bil can have a couple of hours to sort his own house out.

I would not be staying overnight and/or doing housework.

It’s good that she wants to start going away more. Her husband can get more practice at being an adequate parent. It’s not your job.

God this has really wound me up. Why do we treat men as though looking after a house and kids is either beyond them or beneath them? And a woman should step in and do it, even when they're his children? GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

"She said she might not be able to go away now."

If she feels that his incompetence prevents her from doing ordinary things, that's their relationship problem to sort out.

You are quite right to refuse this request. You'd be drafted in to babysit her husband and kids every time she wants to go away. Ridiculous. Other families don't need this because they just get on with it. Your sister and her dh have to do the same.

Nobody takes them out so she can sort the house out when he goes away.

How could she be happy being married to such a piece of incompetence?

ETA - is he absolutely mortified re his incompetence and that this ‘needs’ to occur; or, is he rubbing his hands with glee as it plays to his plan of being arse lazy?

You could offer to find him the details of a cleaning service so he can pay someone to sort the house out the day before she comes home?

If he's so pathetic he can't sort his own home, he could at least pay to get someone (presumably another woman) to do it.

No reason why they couldn't, my sister has done for me..

To me that's a normal level of help, not staying overnight and doing the housework is all I meant.

I am sure he can google a cleaning service himself.

Do you have four young children that someone is willing to take out so you can clean the house for a couple of hours?

I do appreciate that. He won't though.

What does your husband think of the situation (I'm not suggesting he should help out/encourage you to help, literally wonder if he has an opinion).

I don't have four children admittedly but family have done this for me. Appreciate that four is a lot.

Your sister’s seemingly selfish and incompetent partner is not your issue to resolve.
He can find and pay for whatever kids activity/club/babysitter/ cleaner/deliveroo/ friend/family member/ Disney subscription…

Your sister needs to realise she needs to trust him to do it (and maybe make mistakes) else she will never get away.

Lovely your family has done that for you but it is a lot harder to get someone to take four children out especially if they have 1, 2 or 3 of their own or are elderly.

We have 2 lovely kids. We did think about having a third. The reason we didn’t is because I had doubts over how well I would handle them all on my own. To be honest I think my husband would be better with it, but anyway, we stuck at 2. Did they not go through that thought process?

"My sister wants to start going away more"

That's great but it's not up to you to facilitate.