not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

if she says that to her husband surely he will say, ‘nonsense of course you can go. We will be just fine, you deserve a trip away.’ And if he doesn’t say that….he is the ultimate cockwomble and your sister needs to see him for what he is.

It's a shame you already told her.

I would have been really enthusiastic about seeing them, but arrange to get there after she had left. I'd then go down with a bout of d&v when it was too late for her to change her mind.

The fuckwit dh needs to step up.

It sounds like DH would just call OP's sister and she'd come running back in that case.

I'm torn between thinking 'Yet another useless man' and saying yes,help out so your sister can have her time away.

@saynooo out of interest how does your sister feel about her husband lacking abilities as a parent? Does it not bother her? Genuinely interested.

Not only should you not help, you should tell her this should be a wake up call. It is NOT unreasonable to expect the other parent to do this with notice if they regularly go away themselves. No-one made them have four kids presumably.

Do you leave your two with your DH OP? Perhaps he could give BIL tips 😂.

Ah well, that’s what you get when you choose to have 4children with someone who can’t look after them.

How did the rest of the conversation go? Did you say, ‘oh dear’? Is she pissed off? Does he even know you’ve been asked to help him or that she now may not be going?

Dod you ever say what it is he finds difficult?

I told her by text. I didn't reply.

I don't know if he knows I have been asked to help or what he finds difficult.

this is what I have already said 759384648 million times on here.

nope. She chose a useless man and then had 4 kids with him.

She now feels she cant go away, have you told her how pathetic that sounds!!!!

We were a duo serving military family, one of us was always away for at least a week at.time for courses etc.

He needs to grow a set of balls..... in fact tell him to look at the ones he has that made him father all these children!!!

Bizarre-you are close enough that she thinks you would go and live in her house whilst she goes away, to look after the house and her kids, yet you have no idea if she’d even told him this, or what he struggles with when looking after his children?! How much time do you spend with her?!

Well done, OP. The sooner she confronts this and improves things for herself the better.

She never said go and live in her house.

She asked me to help BIL. I can't go and live in her house. I have my own DH and DC.

OMG, they’re his kids for goodness sake! Step up man!

However if it meant she couldn’t go if he didn’t have a little helper doing all the heavy lifting, I’d say yes. Then when she’s safely away, I’d ring and say I’d put my back out and couldn’t help 😆

Unless he manages on his own and learns what to do, he’ll NEVER understand how bloody hard it is for her every time he’s away. I bet she gets to go once in a while and he goes whenever he wants.

Your OP said she asked you to ‘come and stay’.

I think your sister is the problem tbh, as she's the one who has asked you to help out - perpetuating the myth that men can't cope with their own children.

I agree. It’s almost like she’s trying to find a problem before it happens

I said stay/help in my OP. She did initially ask me to stay but I said no. Then she said you can help BIL.

It might not be the case but could she a bit controlling and she doesn’t trust him? Maybe he’s happy to have the kids? It was her that asked… not him. Just a theory…

No one here can know if she assumes he’s useless when he isn’t, or if he is, in fact, useless. On the law of averages, it’s gonna be the latter.

Hope your sister gets to go away. Well done for standing firm.

So now you can be painted as a villain.

This is why I think you should have said yes them been "sick" .

Hes awful

I love Man Who Has It All. Would enjoy seeing a post from "Frank" or "Jake" along the lines of:

"My brother is married with 4 kids. He's going away for a few days for a rare break, and has asked me to move in while while he's away to help his wife, because she can't cope with looking after the children by herself. In particular, my brother says he's worried the house will be a pigsty when he returns.

The thing is, my sister-in-law goes regularly away on Netball Trips with her gal pals, leaving my brother to look after the kids and house by himself - surely if he can manage it solo, she can too?

I've told my brother I can't help out. Now he's saying he might not be able to go away at all. Am I being unreasonable?"