not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

My siblings would mock my dh mercilessly if anyone suggested they come help with basic parenting. And they are very helpful when in town! But here they’d say hey x this is one of yours? do you know this one’s name? And middle name? Wow what a good dad!
dinnertime mentioned - hey x dinner is something you have to feed your kids every day, has wife explained that one to you?
hey x I was thinking of some bath advice for you as support. Did you know that you take their clothes off and wash them separately?

The ‘go and stay but do nothing’ are absolutely brilliant ideas if you think you can do it.
your sister will be totally happy
you could reframe it to actually enjoying yourself by actually being of zero help, in fact, if you can pull it off, you can make more work for him. So, go, but ask for dinner, leave your plate, go to bed before kids, up early and out, leave breakfast mess, leave super early in the morning before he could possibly go cycling etc to do whatever it is you like to do, pop back and go for a nap etc

Sorry I still Think it’s absolutely pathetic. So what if it would be his fist time with 4 children!? They are his children, it’s his home.

There must have been first time his wife was alone with 4 children, I’m sure she didn’t act like a complete baby over it.

I couldn’t be with a man like that, it’s just laughable.

It’s not about expecting more, it should be a given for a grown man.

Surely the issue is the children not the politics here. Do what you think is right.

I’d say it’s the other way round, personally. The principle is way more important.

Unless you think this man isn’t just an incompetent parent, but a dangerous one, and that the children are actually at risk in his sole care for a few days?

In that case, you could offer to take them out to the park or for an ice cream for 1-2 hours just before she gets back so he can tidy the house for her, then you drop kids home and see your sister too

OP I would be tempted to tell your sister that if he thinks he can't do it alone, get him to ring me and let me know what he thinks he needs from me. Then I don't think I could resist pointing out to him that these are things your sister does alone and you are struggling to get on board with the misogyny of the inequity.

However OTOH I must confess wrangling 4 young children including a 2 year old through 3 meals a day, bedtime & generally keeping alive is a hell of a job and it is only natural that there is some sort of learning curve. A compromise might be that you offer to go round on the first evening to help with dinner and bed, when he does it for the first time. It sticks in my craw but I do think 4 kids are genuinely a challenge solo.

But it would be far preferable if you could "help" instead by whisking your sister out for a leisurely meal & drinks one evening, as a sort of training run, so he can practice doing dinner & bed solo before she goes away properly. This is what sisters are for, surely?

@Iwannaeatapasty
Yes, it's a pretty pathetic situation! But sadly not all that uncommon.

I'd be saying yes to let your sister go away and enjoy herself, and then suddenly get the most horrendous vomiting bug after she has left, which you obviously do not want to pass on to 4 dc under 8 and need to stay home.

win win.

Your sister gets to go away, and her husband gets to lone parent. You? well, sickness can't be helped, can it? You had good intentions, and you dont look guilty or malicious

Nah don't see it like thst at all. Children first. Sorry.

4 kids under 8- no chance in hell I’m going over lol

I agree with this. Your sister will have peace of mind and be able to relax. Unfortunately in life, there are always sounder standards but I would not chose your sisters break to bring this up. There will be other times. If you can help please do for her sake x

That’s what I would offer. I’d take them out for an hour and a half on Saturday just before she’s due to back so he can tidy the house.

Then she and he need to have a discussion going forwards to unpick exactly what these ‘challenges’ of looking after his own house and children appear to be.

what have you decided to do, OP?

Then nothing will ever change and the children will learn that men can’t parent and parenting is all women’s work. Fuck that.

I am not going to help BIL. I could end up being called to help BIL everytime DSis wants to go away.

I don't blame you. I have looked after them on my own before with my own two and it is a nightmare!

Thatcwill hapen in this case whatever the sister decides to do. Won't change anything

Would he make her life difficult if he had no ‘help’ so she’s trying to circumnavigate that?

Bloody hell. I’m so glad I don’t have one of these pathetic husbands. We both go off on separate trips every now and then. When I go, I pack my bag, give them a kiss and a wave and walk out the door. Husband usually plans nice things for them to go together and is capable of meal planning, buying food and cooking (and probably taking them out once). He usually makes a point of having the house pristine for when I get back too. I think he enjoys it. I’m glad you’ve decided not to step in to perform ‘women’s duties’ and I hope your sister has a lovely trip.

It could do but I can't take this on.

Hang on, are they expecting you to leave your own DC with someone to "help" BIL care for his own DC or are you expected to uproot your two DC to care for all 6 in their home? Either way you are best off out of it.

You are right to refuse. What's sad is that some other woman will just get called in after you decline.

DM has refused because the DC are too much for her.

My husband is the same - I really do despair of the amount of women who seem to end up with totally useless men on this site!

I only have one DS (just turned 15) but am very grateful that I have a DH who always considered taking care of his child his job as well as mine: in fact I’m away at the moment and they are home together because he’s also his parent. I get that 3 or 4 kids makes life harder but if she can why can’t he ….