not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

😆

Hell no. She shouldn’t have to go and clean up after an adult.

So, as usual, women have to find a solution to a man being a feckless cockwomble.

Unless there is a major drip feed, like severe disabilities, or they’re all quadruplet babies, a half competent father can manage a few days alone. He just doesn’t want to.

I’d say no, Op. He will never learn to cope if he’s never in the situation where he needs to, and it will continue being a great excuse for him to stop her having time to herself. She needs to go, and he needs to get a grip. Your sister also needs to deal with her husband and not expect you to chip in as a substitute wife rather than him getting his arse in gear. If she decides not to go, more fool her for marrying an incompetent man child that can’t keep the ship steady for a few days.

There’s helping, and there’s enabling. This is the latter.

I’d offer to sil to come around the morning of the day she returns and do a list of what he needs to clean up before she’s back. Drop around and say to both of them sister doesn’t parent with her vagina and she’s supported you to go away lots so now I know you’re going to step up and support her too. Which includes having the place as tidy on her return as she does for you when you travel. I guess that’s only for if you ever again want to be supported for a week away so up to you.

Assuming it’s just patheticness and lack of practice on his part, rather than her being in an abusive relationship, my advice to her would be that you are absolutely not doing it, and if he fails to parent or do basic housekeeping, then she should consider going away very very often until he has the practice he clearly needs to do normal adult things.

But why?
It's not her children not her family. If sister's husband won't or can do the job he can pay a cleaner.

Say “no, I’d rather help you when you’re left on your own with the DC”.

If he feels he needs help, he can arrange it from his own friends and family. But he won’t learn to cope unless he starts getting used to it.

If you go and stay and help him, I bet it’ll end up as you being the main person doing the childcare, and he will come and go and dip in and out as he pleases.

I especially wouldn’t like the implication that I was in charge of tidying up and not letting the place be a complete tip. Basically cleaning up after him.

Don’t go and enable this pathetic weak behaviour.
He chose to reproduce multiple times on the full understanding that he is responsible for those children. If your sister went into hospital or heaven forbid died, he would be solely responsible for them round the clock.

My post was somewhat tongue in cheek tbf, only posted because @saynooo seemed torn.

I might offer to take the kids out for a bit on that day so that HE can do the cleaning up. I definitely wouldn’t be cleaning up someone else’s house, not for anyone.

Absolutely not, if she can manage alone so can he. I’d maybe offer to take 1 or 2 of the kids out for a day (if they are not at school). It’s not your responsibility to keep the house tidy.

I'd be inclined to have 2 kids at a time for a few hours. Just for a bit of fun like going to the park or getting an ice cream.
That way she can go and not worry to much, but you also set some boundaries.

Staying over would mean you do everything & BIL will be free to do as he pleases.

Um, no way. He made 4 children. He is perfectly capable of looking after them. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with 4 children on my own, but that’s why I only have two. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Doesn’t he have friends or family who can help? Dh solo parents perfectly well without me around, but if he needs some support, he drafts in one of his mates with similar age dc and they get all the kids out for the day. He doesn’t call up the nearest woman and offload the parenting to her.

I'd say I'll pop round when I can, then I wouldn't pop round.
Your sister shouldn't be accommodating his time away if he can't do the same back

What a pathetic man.

This post is everything that is wrong with so many “men” in society these days. Selfish wankers! Don’t do it OP you’re just enabling this shit!

I understand about finding a middle ground to help your sis but coming home to a tip isn’t a big deal. I certainly wouldn’t help with housework. And PLEASE don’t babysit them while her DH goes to the pub or whatever.
Just don’t do much.

Does he not have a brother or a dad who can help if he is incapable of adulting?

Women don't often ask other men.

OP YANBU. It's bloody cheeky.

You mention that you do help out and spend time with the kids suggesting you live close by? If so and you want to help then why do you need to stay over?

Couldn't you offer to maybe take 2 of the children out a couple of times and do something fun rather than being at the house? I would worry that your BiL would be expecting you to do all the drudge stuff whilst he puts his feet up and watches tv.

I'm also assuming you don't have children to look after if your sister has asked you to do this.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

As if a father can't parent his own kids and live like a sensible person in his own home doing his own domestic chores.

He could ask for help?

Not your circus not your monkeys. Any woman who decides to have 4 kids obviously knows that it will not be easy for her to take solo trips away while they're small. Where are the grandparents in all this?

If you agree to this once, they will be taking advantage of your for many years to come.

I might agree to take the kids to the park or cinema for a couple of hours on the last day so that he can tidy/clean. I definitely would not be offering to clean someone else's house!

Makes you despair what men are capable of/not capable of/ but pretending to be this kind of grand human