not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

So she’s effectively asking you to come and clean for him?

I don't think you should be 'grateful'. This is what a normal parent does, after all. I certainly don't feel grateful for the fact that DH has always been a fully equal parent of DS (14) since he was born -- it's his job, just as it is mine. Gratitude suggests someone doing something above and beyond their job.

Fuck no...!

Ah don’t be mean, OP! Go and stay and do the cooking and cleaning for him. What else would you be doing?

Sorry yes, badly written on my part. More I meant grateful after I read about the poor alternatives at times on here but yes you’re absolutely right and he has always done his bit.

My brother has 4 children on his own full time and manages just fine. Your bil might have a better understanding of all your sister does if he actually has to do it himself!

@saynooo p'haps he could ask is mum, as she helped make him like that?

Or his dad

But what will he actually be doing? What does he want her to do? Sit there and look at them? Entertain them? What? Is he going to pop to the gym as she's there? What!?

But then it will happen every single time. If she doesn’t step in then he manages on his own. Ok maybe she won’t be quite as relaxed, but she’ll come home, hopefully he won’t have lost or injured any kids, and maybe he’ll realise that actually he is capable of being a parent.

Mainly because women facilitate the bullshit.

Glad you're standing your ground OP.

I’m interested in everyone saying OP will be expected to do the cooking and cleaning. I’d hazard a guess BIL would chose to do these things and expect OP to be in charge of the kids. Thats the actual hard bit. We have friends where the DH always seems to be busy with cooking elaborate meals or doing ‘essential’ DIY. I think it’s largely to avoid engaging with the physical and emotional demands of their young DC.

I think it could become an expectation too. I think she feels awfully entitled to your time to expect you to slave for her husband and kids because she picked an incompetent husband and parent. I think you're doing really well not to facilitate her entitlement to your time and work and her misogyny expecting you to slot in as the wife bot.

She can hire a temporary nanny and cleaner.

Isn't this blaming a woman for an adult man's actions?

Fair enough, good for you to make
a stand. What did your sister say when you told her?

She said she might not be able to go away now.

Well that's her own problem. She chose to have four kids with a man who can't look after them. If you help them now you're just enabling it.

Tell her to walk out the door and leave him to it, the same way he does.

Good for you standing your ground OP. It's up to your sister to sort her husband out. It's sad that she might not get to go away, but she needs to sort this out. Perhaps BIL could ask his brother or father to come and help him.

Edit to add that I am typing this from a hotel room while away for a few days without my husband and children. They are absolutely fine without me, they have been eating nice meals and doing all sorts of fun activities. This should be the norm!

His father has died and his brother lives hundreds of miles away.

She's sending you on a guilt trip. Manipulative.

Tell her to hire a nanny and cleaner.

Stick to it. If you don't, you'll be at hers all the time being their maid and sitter.

Oh I'm sorry. That was me being sarcastic, as women are always told to ask their sisters and mothers. I apologise.

Well, that is her decision, and her set of unfortunate consequences to deal with.

Oh dear.

That's her choice though.

Here we go....making you look the bad one.
What does she expect you to do with yoyr own DC while you're at hers?

Then if she can’t go she can't go.

TBH having had DC for the last 7/8 years I'm surprised your DSis hasn't at least gone out for the day, be it shopping, lunch/coffee with friends and left your DH to look after their DC. Reality is most DC love interacting and if you find/have plans in place for activities, even in the home for DC to keep them occupied you're making the looking after even easier.