not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

My brother’s wife is a partner in a law firm and often talks about how lucky she is to be married to my brother and she is one of a few women she works with who can travel for work without needing to do any household / childcare prep. And that that was exceptionally rare. It’s depressing to start to realise how correct she was.

You need to say no to your sister and explain why. Her DH needs to be able to look after his own children safely. You could offer to be on standby in case their is an actual emergency, eg one of the children needs taking to A and E. But not to go round to wash up and put the children to bed.

This absolutely boils my piss.

He’s not a child. He’s a functioning adult and father of 4. He can keep them alive without bloody safety harnesses like this.

Say yes... for your sister's benefit.. do NOTHING.. then 3 hours before he gets back, put the kids in front of a movie and order him around to actually do some work..

Or.. spend the whole weekend ordering him around.. maybe while holding a child.. BIL.. you need to make lunch.. I've got the kids.. BIL you need to tidy the lounge.. I've got the kids.. then point out to him, at every opportunity, that your SIS does this on her own.. repeatedly saying... while holding one child.. I don't know how she does it.. two of us here and it is bloody hard!!

I would struggle with 4 kids under 8.

Its why I stopped at 2.

Your sis and BIL should have factored in his parenting abilities before having 4 children. Not relied upon the nearest other female.

He’s not a woman.

Why can’t he ask his dad/brother/friend?

Exactly why does he struggle-is he genuinely crap at parenting/tidying his own kids/house? Or does he just prefer to sit on his arse?

Honestly, I would leave him to it.

if she doesn't already know then how stupid can she be?

Absolutely this.

I would leave him to crack on. His choice to have 4 kids, plus he goes away without a 2nd thought! This will do him good.

I think BIL wants to have his own bit of time off while his wife is away and will dump everything on OP if she turns up.

I think that's the plan too. He'll disappear and she'll be stuck.

I despair ... she's enabling this incompetent man she thought was suitable dad/husband material yet clearly isn't.

Because unless she has the IQ of an axolotl, she could obviously see what sort of father he was after the first, second and third child. Pretty sure he didn't offer to take all 3 kids alone either. So by the time you go for a 4th, it's pretty obvious that he won't be able to deal with all of them at once.

You said

“Any woman who decides to have 4 kids obviously knows that it will not be easy for her to take solo trips away while they're small. Where are the grandparents in all this?”

You did not make a comment exclusively to this woman”. You said any woman with 4 kids should know she cannot take solo trips and plinted to the grandparents. Why should any woman know this? Especially when fathers, such as this one, can happily take solo trips when their kids are small?

I know! I might do it for dd17 - make sure there’s easy food in the house - if I was leaving her alone.

I wouldn’t do it for a grown man who is old enough to hold down a job and father children!

He works and runs his own business. He can cope with looking after some children.

I'm willing to bet when they met he wasn't sat naked in a cold dark home, all filthy and starving trying to work out how to wash, dress and feed himself, and keep the home running.... unless he has moved to her straight from his family home with mummy looking after him then he knows how to do look after people other than himself.

A man who couldn't function as a parent without me would really give me the ick, I'd just lose all respect.

The children are quite young (between 2 -8). However, with all the meals prepared and plenty of food, the father will be able to cope. Perhaps your sister should lower her expectations about the house being clean and the father might just slob at home with the kids in front of the TV or whatever, not planning on trips out. Let BIL experience looking after his own children on his own and gain confidence so that DS will in future feel able to have a few days away without anxiety. It might be that BIL will feel a whole new pleasure in being on his own with his children.
OP, if you don't want to take on looking after your nieces / nephews, say No. You can rest assured your BIL will cope

Are you joking?

Hes a grown fucking man. Why would he need meal prepared?

Why would she lower her expectations about cleaning. Why would he slob about?

Fuck me, the bar is so low, it’s in hell.

I have mixed feelings about it. I always did this out of a self imposed view of my husband's incompetence. It is not always male incompetence, after 20 years on MN, i know there is also a huge amount of diminishing of male capability.

@saynooo your sister doesn’t need ‘holiday help’ she needs a fucking divorce from this manchil who is incapable of looking after his own kids and home for a few days.

this kind of thread boils my piss at the shit women are expected to put up with or fix due to their shit men.

fuck no. And fuck no again.

#Iwannaeatapasty
I know, I know! But the DS has actually already prepared meals and stocked the fridge. Of course DS should expect more of her DH, the OP's BIL. But as he's doing this for the first time (I think) and DS is all anxious about it and OP sounds like she doesn't want to step into the breach, it felt like a good compromise - so that DS could go away and BIL could go it alone - to lower expectations about house being tidy. That wouldn't mean that this would always be the case but for the moment so that Dad can Dad, DS can relax and OP can say Thank you but No thank you. I know it's pandering! But as soon as the BIL and DS see he's perfectly capable, DS can stop fussing about everything.

Why should you be put upon to give up your own time to help this useless man?

Seems like he needs to spend more time with the kids on his own so he actually learns how to look after them solo, the lazy sod. And your DSis needs to insist on that.

Maybe I have missed it but does he know she has asked this of you? I think you have said she has asked because she 'knows he will struggle' but sometimes I feel mums think only they can do things or that their way is best. If she is not around to see what goes on then he is likely to find his feet and get on with it without being 'told off' for not doing it the 'right' way.
Also maybe he needs to be put in the situation to know how it feels when he goes off alone. No doubt he has gone off saying he will reciprocate but now doesn't like the reality. I think she needs to be bold and say it would be a shame then if he couldn't go and do his trips any more then.
I certainly wouldn't move in to help him. If generous I would pop in once to check.

I definitely would not be doing this and my husband would be mortified at the idea he couldn't look after his own kids. It will for him good to experience what she does when he goes away. I don't know why you would have 4 children with someone who can't cope on his own with them.

Can you go and stay, but then just sit back and let him do everything? Remind him repeatedly that his wife can run the house by herself.

I picked up my then 15 month old DS from my PIL and he had the worst nappy rash I've ever seen. Blisters all over his poor little bum. I was fuming. I've also spent the day with them when they've had another DGC (toddler) for the weekend and i had to remind them to put suncream on him (28 degrees) and a hat & i also changed his soaking wet nappy. So it's definitely not just dads who can't parent properly when Mum is away.