To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

That's an awful answer.

Imagine your DH using that on you about anything, from cleaning to cooking to work to raising DC.

Its a cop out.

People here have said that him asking you is trying to dump the responsibility onto you. This answer is exactly the same in reverse.

It says "i don't like it (stamp) but I'm not adult enough to discuss with you whether I'm being unreasonable or whether you're a scumbag"

It's as awful as that old "well if you don't know what's wrong I'm not going to tell you".

Ffs, have a real conversation between the only two people that matter. Marriages die when people don't communicate.

Someone he barely knows walked into the house and said what’s up with your outfit then he changed and asked her if that looks better? That is really odd, it’s very familiar behaviour.

This is an elite response

Suggest she comes to your house for the haircut

Agree

You're not all men, though.
Some argue that there is a concept of pre-selection, too.
A married man is married therefore another woman thought he was viable as a mate.

Because ultimately a better way to test out someone’s character is to let them have as much freedom as possible and see how they react.

If you constantly put obstacles in their way you are creating resentment, forcing him to lie to you and making yourself look desperate. And none of it will stop it happening.

If you love someone set them free etc.

No.
While there are men who are sex mad, it's my opinion that a lot will do it purely because the opportunity presented itself.
It has nothing to do with their feelings for their wife. Hard to accept but true.

No woman cheats purely because the opportunity presented itself. Her cheating has EVERYTHING to do her feelings ("negative) for her dh.

Honestly, if the genders were reversed here, the dh may as well accept that it's over.

Let me say this, women are more socially savvy and they know full well that changing, their jacket when advised by another man not her dh, admitting she finds him attractive and being alone with him are clear unequivocal indications that she is done.

I'd go as far to say here that if the. genders were reversed here this is a wife that is so done with her dh she's not even hiding it.

Imagine this place if a man wanted to keep a woman on a lead it would be WW111

Nobody who understood about the main differences between why men and women cheat would advocate keeping a woman on a short leash.

For her to want cheat in the first place, she's already done with her dh.

Unless he's a sadistic bastard who enjoys keeping his wife prisoner, he may as well let her go with grace.

'Yes go and have your haircut with this man whose opinion you trust more than mine, who you openly admit to fancying and not even trying to hide it. Absolutely fine. '

Then when she's gone having her hair done he should get onto the divorce lawyer.

I hate this mindset that justifies treating men like sex mad half-wits who need to be controlled in order to remain faithful.

If your husband needs to be treated like a spaniel in order to not fuck other women he isn't worth being married to. If you're "laying down the law" or "nipping it in the bud" or "keeping him on the leash" like a toddler, you've already lost the battle. It's as simple as that.

I don't think it's about ownership.

It's about loyalty and consideration for the person you have made a life commitment to, not to act in a way that would jeopardise that commitment or cause unnecessary pain or distress to the person you love.

If OP's husband is already shagging this woman or is hellbent on doing so, it's already too late. The damage is done and telling him not to go is pointless.

However, if he is committed to his marriage, but feels flattered by the other woman's attentions and/or thinks he can admire her from afar, OP is absolutely right to tell him not to go. He can ignore her and go anyway, but he should concentrate his mind on what is most important to him - his marriage and future happiness, or a sordid scuttle with another woman.

'Let' him? He's not your child. You can't stop him. And if he has had his head turned and is considering cheating then nothing you do or don't 'allow' him to do is going to stop him.

The question here is not the presence of this other woman, it's this: 'do you trust your husband or not?'

If the answer is 'not' then your marriage has no future and this is a fact best faced now. But whichever it is, this is an issue to address within the marriage not beyond it.

Agree too. Bet he’s had more than one conversation with her at the pub when she worked there with possibly flirting going on. And who knows where he’s seen her otherwise. I don’t mean secret meetings but out and about.

This is such a simplistic view of this issue.
It really is.
Men tend to cheat for sexual variety.
It may have nothing to do with how they view their marriage.
They see it as outside of their marriage hence the awful but appropriate expression 'a bit on the side'.
Why, when caught, do they say' she meant nothing to me'. Well to be fair as unsavoury as that may be they're not lying.

To women this may not make sense, but it does to men, so given this, no wife should allow situations to arise like this if she can help it.

Like I said, there's no point a man being all possessive as, unless he keeps her prisoner-which I am not advocating for AT ALL, hell no- she really will cheat if she has a mind to.

Obviously you carry on ignoring the differences. It's not my place to tell a stranger on the Internet how they should think. It's just my view.

Oh and even if he does cheat, many women forgive so presumably he has other qualities that make him 'worth' being married to.

The OP needs to put her foot down and make it clear that should he continue seeing this woman, he can leave. Or she leaves.

If he goes wearing his cowboy boots then you just know what they are up to.

He likes her advice.

When is he booked in for his cut btw?

Sorry but painting all men as sex driven cavemen is so simplistic and insulting. This neat division of motivation between the sexes is absurd: men and women are so much more than their biological hardwiring. There are millions of men who have no desire to cheat and millions of women who do.

Honestly though if you genuinely believe, as your post suggests, that all men are basically little more than dogs on heat who need to be constrained all the time by their wives there is no reason to get married.

The point at which I needed to police the behaviour of my husband to stop him fucking another woman would be the point I left. If you have a scrap of self respect it is one strike and you are out. What on earth is the point of sharing your life, children and finances with someone you have to run around after life a small randy dog?

Have some dignity.

Excellent comeback.

Have edited my post to delete it as I didn’t tag the relevant person and their reply was miles back - ignore!

It is what it is.
We're animals under a thin veneer of civility.
The evolutionary psychologist Dr David Buss is clear that men tend to cheat for sexual variety, while for women it's about emotional dissatisfaction.
I am guessing that you've not studied it like he has.

It's not about dignity, it's about reality.

And, believe me, there are far, far more important reasons to be married than sexual fidelity.

Though if a woman cheats it's tied up with her overall view of her husband so he's better off divorcing her as she doesn't respect him.

It can only get worse for him if she cheats.

In my view, it may be worth trying to fix things if the man cheats, better still, as I advise here, it's even better to nip it in the bud if possible.
Prevention is better than cure.

I’m sorry I couldn’t disagree more with any of this.

There is literally no point to a marriage without fidelity or trust. A person you are legally yoked to who you don’t trust is just toxic baggage and in any situation you will be 100% better off on your own.

And if you really believe this nonsense about men cheating as some predetermined evolutionary destiny you shouldn’t get married at all.

Why spend your adult life in a state of paranoia about something you have no control over?

I voted YABU.

Firstly, I find the questions you asked him odd. If he wasn't with you then why would you care who he asked out? Is it just in case the two of them have an affair then you can say "told you so!"?

Asking if he fancies her? It's quite normal to find people attractive other than our own partner. I'd be quite worried if my DH didn't find other women attractive! It's human nature.

Also, if you have a second person tell you what you're wearing is awful, then it's not a surprise he then went to change. One person commenting then you take on board what they said, but if a second person then says the same thing, you'd act on it! Two people can't be wrong!?

You say you trust your DH, but your spoken words are that of someone who doesn't trust him. Which is it?

If that was my DH, then my reply would have been "if you trust her not to make you look like something out of the 1980s then go for it".

By telling him he cannot go you have now planted the seed of doubt in his head that you don't trust him.