To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

Surely if he was planning or thought anything was going to happen with this woman he wouldn’t be ‘asking’ you if he could go, he’d have just lied?

Being honest though, I don’t think I’d be happy with this, but my husband is quite selfish so I’d be wondering why he was going out of his way to help someone.
If it was the other way around, I don’t he’d be too impressed.

She could bring her scissors to your home no need for her to go alone to hers

Not a great idea!

You're right, he doesn't need OP's permission, but OP absolutely can tell him not to bothering coming home if he does go.

A big part of being a sensible adult is knowing what is and isn't acceptable in your relationships, without being told. However, sometimes people need it spelt out when it looks like they might do something that is going to tear their family apart.

Assuming he is not already having an affair with this woman, it doesn't do any harm if OP makes it clear what the consequences will be if he does visit this woman on his own. Hopefully, it will concentrate his mind on what is important, before he does something he will regret.

But why make it easy for them while they're doing it?

My partner has thick, curly hair and a colleague who is retraining as a hairdresser asked if she could cut it, as it’s good practice. She’s done it 3-4 times and it takes a couple of hours. I never thought anything of it! Chances are, this woman has zero feelings for your husband and just wants to cut his hair as he has a good type of hair to practice with. You kind of forced him to say she’s attractive, but that doesn’t mean he will cheat. Lots of people are attractive. I’d honestly ‘let’ him go and trust him. If you can’t trust him, the issue is with him/your relationship and not her or whether or not she cuts his hair.

I'm getting really fed up with people online taking some innocuous expression and making out that they're soooooo shocked by it in an attempt to make the PP look bad. 🤣 You're not fooling anyone!

You got that I didn't mean a physical leash, yes?

Anyway, it's true. Married women are far more subject to various kinds of abuse than married men are. And men are just generally worse partners in far greater numbers than women are. Not only that, they don't want to learn how to be better partners.

Many men need a lot of training and reinforcement to be good partners.

In fact, a new relationship is a great time to get a new puppy. You can train them together! 🤭🤣🤣 Probably can't put an actual collar and leash on the partner though, which is a great pity.

You can Air Tag him though. 😈

Alone at her house after he'd confessed he found her attractive and would ask her out if he wasn't with you? Let's not leave out the context here.

Rubbing her fingers on his head … he thinks she’s attractive, her opinion matters over yours (jacket). He wants to go to her home. She can’t cut hair but wants to cut his hair. Perhaps she can shave his legs and other areas whilst he takes his clothes off and tries on clothes she has bought him.

You've gone into some kind of weird fantasy there.

Very odd

I’m not saying just because she’s single she’d flirt or try it on with your DH but she might. If he finds her attractive though then she may well find him attractive too.

This. This needs to be on a poster. This is how you don’t cheat. All this nonsense when cheating ‘just happens’.

I’d say trust your instincts here. She was pushing it giving your husband fashion advice - have they spoke about his dress sense previously? It sounds like they have. She’s overstepping and too familiar.

I'm male, married for 40 years. There's no way I would have even thought about going to her house for a trim and would have totally declined the invitation ..... Unless I had an ulterior motive.

I’d be sending a DM not to message my husband again!

The jacket situation may have been that two people had said the exact same thing in a short amount of time. I wouldn’t have taken in personally. The reaching out on social media for a haircut is odd. Most trainee hairdressers would advertise generally for training needs. I think she is overstepping and your husband sounds a bit oblivious to it. It was a dangerous question to ask about whether he found her attractive. Generalisation but most men I know are not as particular as women about who/what they find attractive in a person.

You have a gut for a reason..it’s been there, instinct, to protect you since man crawled from the primordial soup, so to speak. Never ignore your gut

Could you handle allowing her to give you a haircut or at least some treatment, so you could go together but it doesn't look like you are there to chaperone your DH? I know she probably has lots of women to practice with and wants a man, but it could be a compromise that you (as a couple) offer to her?

Me too! Or words to that effect. She'd have known I was onto her, anyway.

I agree. The wird to not let him go,apply to a child. You are not his keeper.
Tell him it upsets you and you would prefer him not to go. Ask him not to go. If he respects you ,he will do as you wish.
Not a big deal about jacket. First you say it and then someone else commented. He got the message. Awful jacket.
She seems a bit rude commenting on other 's clothing choices

Yes. Like this.

However, if he's asking for your approval, don't give it.

Its not up to you to allow it or not.

however, if he does it, how you deal with it is another matter

At the risk of sounding incredibly dull compared to some great responses (on both sides)..
I always side with the view that (even though many male friends have tried it on etc once rebuffed remained friends and several have never tried etc) that men and women can be friends. And I absolutely think not letting (as it were) someone do something (I mean obviously there are limits - I’m not going to let my husband drink drive or mow down a cyclist etc) is wrong usually .. there is more to the OP than just that aspect.
The DH already knows the woman - he didn’t just meet her at jacket-gate. He sees her in the pub. That’s relevant because she felt comfortable enough to contact him on social media.
A recent situation for me (I adored my “DH” now hate him - that’s only vaguely relevant)… we have a mutual female friend who was in a relationship with a mutual male friend, they split years ago. He moved away. She stayed etc. about 2 years ago she and DH “discovered” a mutual interest. That meant we spent more time together (us plus others) doing said interests and on other social occasions. I loved her deeply as the closest friend I’d had in years.
He suddenly developed menonitis. He told her about him having a health scare within minutes of finding out,.he completely failed to tell her about a HUGE diagnosis for our child etc etc.
Suddenly he got obsessed with wanting to go to her house alone to do said interests. I was fine with it. Then I heard him pester her to do this. She texted me to ask if it was ok. That was when I knew it wasn’t.
I didn’t say you aren’t allowed or you can’t. I finally said, I am not okay with this. All you do is text her and talk about her and invite her over and it’s nauseous behaviour. You can be with her. But that’s it for us.
there was a period of me refusing to back down- he made me. He actually got me to “explain” to her and apologise. I did!!
This week I’ve seen the light - she told him everything I’d ever told her in confidence from 14 years of stuff. She told him I “dump” on her too much and was planning to leave him (not true - I would but severely disabled child etc) - now it’s the ultimate standoff. I refuse to ever see her again. He’s like a forlorn romantic hero.
OP - and anyone else who finds themselves in this scenario. My long winded story can e a cautionary tale. It’s not about “nipping something in the bud”.
You can’t.
If they want to they will. If they have the “courage”.
On an aside but relatedly, I was aggressively pursued fairly recently by a married man whose wife has just had a baby. I did nothing to warrant that. But if someone decides they want to try something there are many ways - the denials of “just a friend” (ie let’s see where this goes), the “it just happened” to the I don’t care I’m doing this anyway.
I wish there was something useful I could say.. but if you shut it down you will have another problem anyway - he will resent you.

You don’t get equality by subjugating someone else.

OMG really? 🙈🙈🙈

If she wants to sleep with him, it is a good way to encourage something to happen as well because you will look unhinged and she may even carry it further to annoy you.

I agree with other posters that he is your husband, not a toddler. If he wants to cheat, he will find a way and either he will do so or he will resent you and that could be the end of your marriage anyway.