I was so tired, but so happy, now i’m just so tired

[Whereisthegrassasgreen]

When Dd was smaller and I was fortunate enough to be with her until school at 5. I just loved the life so much, all the friends meet ups, the days out, the baking and crafts at home, the little shows and sitting cuddled up.
She’s now 7, i’m back at work, life doesn’t have anywhere near the same fulfilment or happiness

Was that the best it could get, I got five years of my perfect life, god I miss it so much

I would hate not to work. I am not sure it's true that 'most people' would enjoy not having to work. For many people, working is about personal satisfaction as much as earning a wage, as important as that is.

Not necessarily "better" but as good. You are looking back with rose tinted glasses but there must have been times when you got no sleep; when your child was sick all over you for the third time in 5 minutes; when they screamed and tantrumed and nothing you did was good enough ? (If nothing like this ever happened, then I will concur with your view that your child had a "magical" first few years).

What you have to look forward to is your child being able to do more without so much help; watching them develop; seeing them share your interests and have some new ones of their own; see them grow as a person and have their own personality; listen them to say "I love you Mum" and know it's not just a form of words; see them grow into independence; see them try things that you never have etc. And prosaically, you will be able to offer them more opportunities with the "more money" from your job.

Would you say to your child that they have nothing to look forward to now they are over 5? If not, then why is it different for you?

I am afraid this post is not doing much for 'my dh, who is the main breadwinner and I work just the same, only he is in his office and I am at home'.

The only problem is that I'm going back to work but she's still my first priority. Not sure how I'll manage the two as I found work stressful enough before her arrival!

How does her father cope?

What else is to come that’s better?

OP, you aren't being unreasonable, as you aren't unreasonable to feel what you feel.

It's wonderful you had a lovely time with your DD, but that stage was never going to last anyway. Having children is all about loss as well as new experiences - every time we say goodbye to one part of their journey with us, we welcome a new stage (and this is true of the bad stuff, as well as the lovely stuff!)

I'm a mum to three teens. It's actually really, really hard (for me, everyone differs). But it's also amazing:

• They are hilarious, even when they are being frustrating or wayward
• They are forming into people in their own right, separate to you but bearing aspects of your personality (as well as their other parent)
• They are great company, you can do adult things together after a while: going to events, concerts, places, running / sports together, movies that you both enjoy - depending on your interests

Like other posters, I wonder if what you are missing is a part of your own life / identity, rather than specifically this stage with DD? This sounds like a really happy time for you and if you are depressed now, you may be associating this stage with happiness, and this may be even more the case as you struggled with fertility.

Can you discuss it with your DH, friends, or GP as relevant? Perhaps there are changes you can make to your own life to get back a sense of joy and lessen the feelings of tiredness?

I promise - every stage with children is filled with both joy and challenges, even when they are seemingly grown up! I would have felt that teenagers wouldn't need as much effort and care when I had small children, I had no idea what teen years would involve.

Would being a foster carer work for you? There’s a shortage of foster parents in this country and you could look after babies/preschool children.

No, it wouldn’t be exactly the same but you’d be doing something amazing by protecting those children from the care system. You’d also get an income and you’d be able to do all the fun activities with them that you enjoyed.

Or - and I doubt this suggestion would work for you but I’ll mention it anyway: home education. My two were in school until they were 10 and then at home because of COVID. We discovered life was so much better that they never went back. (My two are slightly different as I have twins with significant SEN - one was in special school and the other not coping in mainstream but not eligible for special school). We have a huge home education community here and as well as the stuff I do with them, we have lots of activities and meet-ups. A couple of our teens have just started college and a couple of others are doing iGCSEs by studying themselves. It’s an option that’s often scoffed at and there are loads of misconceptions but given the current state of the education system, for many it’s proving a better choice. And it’s fun!!

My DC are 16 now (although much younger in their needs/ways because of their SEN). They are funny, interesting, and great company and we have great fun hanging out together. Despite that I still feel a bit of a pang when I see photos of when they were young. I used to think I wanted another child but actually I just wanted my time with them while they were little all over again ❤️

Every person I know loathes having to work. These are all people who did degrees in their passion subjects and have good jobs. From doctors and nurses to bankers and social workers and journalists. Every one of us has said we would stop if we could and dedicate ourselves to what actually brings us joy - children, volunteering, gardening, writing etc.

Same, I also make sure I make the most of the school holidays. I think I prefer mine now they are that bit older as can do more and no nappies and naps to think about.

The tough bit about parenting at any age is that you are preparing them to become more independent, therefore by definition you have to let them go so they can develop into being an independent person. I was so sad to give up breastfeeding, but it brought new freedom for me. I loved being the very centre of their world, but as they grew and started school there was freedom in knowing I had time to myself. I was at home for six years- so my first DC had me full time but I had to go to work when my youngest (of three) was 9 months old due to financial pressures and I hated it. But as they got older I rediscovered me and was glad I resumed a career. I’ve loved all the stages of parenting- I’m now a grandma - and I promise you there is joy in all of it. You maybe just need to discover yourself as you again, rather than just seeing yourself as part of you and her?

That's really interesting @LarksAscending

I would broadly be the opposite - everyone I know really enjoys working, and mostly enjoys their actual role. At different points perhaps not, and certainly in mid-life I have friends who would love to do something different but feel they can't, usually due to kids.

I find my own job challenging and certainly have hard days but I am motivated and interested in it, I can't imagine how hard it would be if I hated it ...

This is lovely! And so true ...

?

It’s quite unusual to read these posts because MN normally advocate returning to work asap “ because pension” but I totally get what the OP and @LarksAscending is saying. Some mothers are desperate to return to work, others love being SAHM and still others would love to spend more time at home with their young children but can’t. Which shows how different we all are.

I loved it so much I became a registered childminder and later moved into group care and education.

My own children are adults and I’m currently planning a trip with one and will be meeting the eldest two in London this weekend, in fact we’ve been planning ( and doing) lots of trips and events and they visit fairly regularly too. The teen years were the hardest with one, the tween years with the other

I sometimes think these years are the most rewarding! But every stage has its challenges and rewards as has been said

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I couldn't believe my two were having whole days apart from me when I returned to work. Experiencing fun, and learning new things, all without me.
20 years later, I took early retirement, and I'm here for them if they need me. Airport runs, laundry dilemmas, minor illnesses, advice - I'm here.

I’m not talking about work?

Yes you’re completely right, it’s all the other ‘Stuff’ it takes the focus away

Some people can't help but see other people's different choices as a personal attack.

But you can still have those special times surely……..cuddling up on the sofa chatting about her day at school? Get involved in a school project that she might be doing at home? Reading together? Crafting together? Teaching her to bake/sew/knit? Tell her about your day? All these things connect you and help shape her future. I’m now a GM and this worked with my DD and DGC.

OP please be reassured that there is so much more to come! I loved being with my young children while I had three years off until the youngest was 16 months. Going back to work was hard but 30 years on, I remember the fun times rather than the stress.

We had days out, shopping, getting involved in homework/projects and having weekly tv programs that were in the diary. Getting them ready for Brownies, fancy dress parties, school trips, family holidays could also be exhausting but satisfying. Now I am in grandparent phase, getting involved by dog walking the grandog, child care for the babies. So rewarding - it is another “best time of my life” phase.

? What do you mean?

I’m glad to hear of another happy granny. I’m living the good life too.

I mean there is no comparison between sahm/sahd labours and those of the office-going partner, literally no comparison. Unless there are disabled children or relatives who are also the responsibility of a sahp - in that case yes, the ones who go out to work are in a better position.

So odd!

That is not what this post is about!

I felt the exact opposite! It was a huge relief to get back to work. But I don't think you're being unreasonable.